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While the tears run down my face, I can't believe it has been ten years since I have sat in a church . I don't know why I am here. I contemplate leaving, but something holds me back as the memories rain down on me. I have often thought of coming back, but the thoughts of being a bible thumper doesn't elicit thoughts of wild adventures. Even though I know something is missing in my life, I can't help but remember the hurts that have come from the church. Though there were great times growing up in the church there also was pain and hurts. And I can't understand why there would be both when there is a God that is all loving and all knowing.
I think back to the times when we went to Sunday school and were carted off to summer camp every year. I love those innocent days. We would run everywhere, play games and definitely make sure that we wouldn't talk to any girls. Even though Michelle was the prettiest thing I had ever seen, there was no way in heck I was going to tell her. I remember one time in church; I placed a tack on my singing friend's seat and how he screamed out in pain when he sat down. It was hilarious. I can easily visualize the time when I accepted Jesus into my life and how much peace I felt. Or the times that our family would take the youth out and we would go water-skiing or snow skiing. They were great times.
Yet things started to shift to the bad. I was about eleven when my mom pulled me aside to tell me how we wouldn't be celebrating Christmas or Easter anymore. And how we wouldn't be eating certain foods. That the church we were now going to attend had strict rules on how we were supposed to live life and our old church was a lie. We had to ensure a certain standard of religiosity to make Heaven, or else we would receive eternal damnation.
Meetings in this church consisted of going to people's homes to talk about the days of judgment and how the world was coming to an end. The meetings would consist of condemning others for not following our sect. After a few years of this, I was quickly becoming a casual observer, and approaching a place of leaving. The cross roads came when the church leader approached me and told me I wasn't a strong enough believer and needed to get more into the bible. Than, in a couple of weeks I would find out that he had sexually abused all his children. Being sexually abused myself and seeing my mother's family being sexual abused by priests, I had a hatred for this behavior and never went back. Besides I had other things to do, sports, education, girls and work were to entertaining and exciting to be held back by a bunch of religious fanatics.
I entered university and starting living the dream. Life was great. Girls, school, sports and entertainment. What more could a person want? I was occasionally going to church, but made sure it didn't interfere with my life. Church was more of a place to meet people than actually listening to those hypocrites in the pulpits. And besides, all those solemn, boring sermons and church gatherings. Why? Who wants to hear about judgment day and when it is coming, I thought it also said don't worry about tomorrow? So, I always was curious to why there was the hypocrisy in the church, but yet people would still go. Especially very intelligent people.
My friend Regine was brilliant. She aced all her tests in genetics, plant biology and organic chem. and could have had a prestigious career in whatever, but she chose teaching. And not only teaching, but that she could become a mom. I thought she was wasting her life. Another friend, who was brilliant in pretty much every field, and was the director in a major corporation, would walk in such a peace, I couldn't understand it. And would have some sort of power that would give him advantage. What the heck? Even though they walked in a powerful grace, I couldn't understand why they wouldn't confront a society on the edge of its demise. The answer was always standard, "God has it and that's the way it has to be." I couldn't accept that. I couldn't accept a God that wouldn't want his people to rise up and stand for justice. Why would God allow millions of children to die of poverty and war and millions of others to die of AIDS and so forth? So was it God's judgments or was the church not walking in the full authority that it has or was there even a God? Evolution sure showed otherwise.
My town was becoming much too small for me and so I left for the world of America. Hoping that I could understand the injustices that were occurring in the world and also make some real money. My job was in the tech sector and enabled me to travel all over the states to install and maintain different types of manufacturing, environmental equipment. Sometimes, I would be able to go to New York to party with my stockbroker friends. Eventually, I thought that this would lead into greater things. I had hoped we could connect the environmental/science to the business world and bring about sustainability in a spiritual order. That if these issues were brought to the table, than people would recognize the implications of reactive living.
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Writer Profile
Andrew Lauman
I find writing to be so opposite to whom I am. I did miserably at English as any of my proof readers or profs could tell you. My thoughts of sitting in one place for periods of time do not give me chills of excitement. However, I have found great satisfaction in allowing my thoughts to be found in the release of writing. I have been able to share some of my deeper emotions through my poems and this has been a wonderful creative process for me! Thanks to TIG for the opportunity.
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Comments
enternity is real Okorocha Michael | Sep 16th, 2003
thank God you may your way back to Him ( God ) the fact is many will not have a second change to trace the right track , bcos the devil will so entice them to an illusion that will always bring emotiness to live...
those that observe lying vanities always forsake their mercies Jonah 2:8
but we have a solcae in Him
there is no great love than this that in spte of our sins he still pen wide his arms of love to us ......
the greastest thing that touch God is neglect ...
neglect of his voice calling in the street for us to coome
neglect to his saving grace , He has finished and paid for all our penalities only to see man deny his effort ..
and he is not able to do any further than to weep when he sees men dies out of their ignorance....
My people perish for lack of Knowledge
Many are still waiting ....
Ps 82 say they are gods but they will die as mere men ...
that is not our portion
you must reign bcos KINGS REIGN WITH WISDOM .....
enternity is real . (contd....) Okorocha Michael | Sep 16th, 2003
A man that is on honour that knows not is like a beast that perishes ...
It is Honour that Jesus will die for us
it is honour that He wakes us up morning by morning
it is Honour that that He lets you see the beauty of hos creature that you can comments ( being able to speak)
Yet many will say nothing about enternity
the world we see started from enternity past and will end but the one The BIG MAN behind the Big creation remains ....
and that is Who determmines what happens in the eternity future ....
that is why he can't be questioned......
EVERYTHING WILL PAST (including aour life on this earth)BUT HE WILL REMAIN ....
HE IS THE ANCIENT OF DAYS
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