The decline in Theresa’s self-esteem obviously began when she married Stanley (not real name) whom she would always describe in superlative terms. Theresa affirmed that Stanley was a wonderful man, handsome, witty and dynamic, who used to do little things for her, including cooking.
However, she mildly said that the only thing that really bothered her about him was the frequency he flies off the handle and that he also puts her down a lot especially in their home. She said that her husband has this hellish attitude of yelling, threatening and making lots of noise when angry. He had often put her down even in front of people that she felt like sinking into the ground. She could hardly eat for days. He uses all sorts of negative adjectives to qualify her. He complains about everything Theresa does. If she corrects this aspect of her life, he quickly finds another fault to be corrected. It is like a vicious cycle. Theresa is pining away by day and her strong spiritual/cultural belief will not allow her to act otherwise. Verbal violence is a form of marital violence where the man makes negative comments and uses abusive language on the wife like Theresa's case.
There are many women like Theresa out there in the married world. Women are suffering in silence because the society has implied that women are subservient to their husbands and do not have anyone to speak out for them. There have been cases of women whose husbands bathed them with acid simply because they refused his immediate sexual advances. A woman might have several genuine reasons to postpone an immediate biological relationship with the husband. Should she die or made to suffer bodily harm because of a temporal refusal. Some other women have been beaten black and blue because they did not prepare their husbands dinner at the normal time. The husband would not entertain any excuse, rather, the poor wife must be taught a lesson in a hard way so that his dinner would not arrive late again. Some men see women as senior house help. The women go to the farm, fetch firewood, fetch water, prepare meals, and take care of the children while their husbands converge at drinking joints to discuss the latest gossip in town. Other women are forced to become housewives even with their master’s degrees because their husbands are afraid other men will admire them. Some women are holding their careers, attending part time studies, doing school runs, prepare meals and take care of the home while house helps are not allowed into the home. These women toil and labour all through their lives until the children are grown.
Women whose husbands brutalize them should be able to protect themselves in certain ways. In the worse case, the woman can leave the marriage. If a man wants to kill the wife, it is better for her to leave the marriage so that she can be alive to train her children and also live her life. These husbands should be reported to the social welfare department, where they would be invited and cautioned about their behaviours. They can also be reported to their pastors since many of these men claim to belong to one church or the other. Their pastors would caution them as well instead of their pretending to be gentlemen in public while they are devils at home. Women can also stand up to these husbands to let them know that they are also human beings. Every human personality demands respect. A woman whose husband does not treat her well must find ways of protecting herself. She should not allow herself to be used as a door mat. God has also deposited some self defensive mechanisms in her that she can leverage on.
In order to prevent this situation from the side of husbands, churches and other organizations should regularly organize marriage seminars for these men to teach them how to treat and honour their wives. The Social welfare department should also put in place stringent punitive measures against acts of marital violence. Any reported case should be thoroughly investigated and punishment meted to the culprit. Women should also be informed to report cases of marital violence to the appropriate authorities. This will at least deter some men from engaging in the act. As it is now, no one seems to blink an eyelid over it and so culprits keep getting away with their action.
With these actions in place, I believe there will be a decrease in the rate of marital violence.
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