Things changed; and yes, I still want to get into Princeton, but for a slightly different purpose.
I think about him - my beloved MITer - and his actions and motivation are no longer inexplicable to me. That was since I realized that although he doesn't need quantum physics or advanced calculus to change the world, he'll probably needs a PhD degree to have the means to make a sustainable difference.
So, once his reasoning is clear to me, it has also proven to be a better motivation for my current and future efforts. But I'm very aware of the difference between thinking of changing the world and actually doing it. I know that to want to change the world is not saying " I want to change the world", and to change the world is not claiming " I will change the world".
So, what have I learned? Everybody knows about "I have a dream" and what it means, but how many people actually know how it feels like? Just two hours ago, I ran into a poster with the familiar face of Martin Luther King, with his familiar and well-known statement.
I have a dream.
So, what had I realized, you asked? I had realized what my beloved MITer had done one year before I did: that when you want to change the world not because you want to be somebody who changes the world, but because you want the world to be changed, maybe one day you can really do it.
That's why I said his struggles and efforts were inexplicable to me. I used to feel like I was wasting my time and my mind in high school, dealing with stuffs I would never use and running after the college rat race. For me, once I have realized what it means to want to dedicate myself for making a positive difference, I no longer need or want any credit, reputation, luxuriant comforts, whatsoever. But time has taught me something.
Think about Kurtz in Heart of Darkness. He was someone who refused to be in the system, but wanted to influence the system. And we, what do we mean by "making a difference" ? Isn't a part of it to give people the education and knowledge they require so that they can function in the system? Isn't it all about getting them into the system? Well, it seems like we have to be in the system ourselves.
But the system is not to be blamed. It's needed. People criticized the system, but didn't think of the chaos without it. The aim is not to abominate the system, but to create a better one.
It's not that I don't know that the world is unfair. On the contrary, I know it very well. When the Mexican guy told me it was unfair that I had the music room key and thus I could play the piano anytime while the others couldn't, I laughed. Though i didn't say it to him, I thought : since when has "it" been fair? And furthermore, since when has the world been fair for those who only complain but do nothing for the fairness? One thing he'll never know, that's how it took me two weeks going after Ken to persuade him that I can hold the responsibility of having the key. One more thing he won't know, that's all the responsibilities to be in charge of the piano and keyboards. He who comes 5 minutes before his performance and says goodbye 5 minutes after the performance doesn't know what goes on behind the stage. He who takes things for granted doesn't know the difficulties of setting things up. it doesn't mean that I meant to be unfair to him. Although the world is, in some aspects, unfair to me, I'm well aware that it's more unfair to them - the majority of the population who don't have what I do because of the also unfair random probability. That the world is unfair, however, doesn't mean that I should be as well. On the contrary, it's exactly the reason why I should act fairly.
I remember a picture from "the journey to the heart of darkness" , in which the UN ran away after leaving the people in Sudan a nice drafted resolution on their situation. People laughed bitterly, and I was among them. But just some hours later, I found myself filling the UN youth volunteer form. I thought about it, and it became clear to me that the same principle applied: that the UN is not functioning efficiently as it should be is exactly why I should support and lend a hand to improve it. What's the point of criticizing if it doesn't bring about any change?
So, in a recent English class, Melody said: "Although UWC hasn't lived up to my expectation, I will lie about it, because it's the vision which I want to retain." It really touched me , indeed. I recognized that it was exactly what I have been acting according to, even though I couldn't express it in words like her.
Coming back to the Mexican guy. He once told me how he thought the music room should be always left open , and how that would be an act of trust in the community. He gave an example of how his roommate stole his money, and said it didn't mean that he should keep his money from him. He called it trust; I called it naive. He didn't learn enough; school didn't teach him what he needs to know. Arrogance, complacence, hostility, self-centered, egoism... all are also different kind of naive.
However, that doesn't mean that I have learned enough to be in a position to justify. I have learned more than him, maybe. But my father always has to remind me of how cruel the world is, and my mother always warns me not to get into any sexual activity with that beloved MITer of mine. It's not that they don't trust me, it's just... they know that I haven't learned enough.
So what have I not learned? Well, if I knew, then I would have already learned it. As far as my knowledge allows, I realized that I should be grateful for everything I have and every moment of my life. And I really, really mean it. I know that the difference between me and some 17 year old housewife in Sudan is essentially just where we were born into. The unfair randomness. So, why bother nagging about not having good food, not having a big room, not having nicer clothes, when I have food to eat, a place to live in, and clothes to wear?
I know, I know, it sounds theoretical. But there is a real difference between persuading yourself that you're lucky and actually understanding how lucky you are. I can't say that actually, since I have never experienced extremes. But still, when I say " i appreciate everything", I know I really mean it. I know, in person, a little girl who loves piano but can't afford even the cheapest keyboard, and so she draws keys on the ground and moves her fingers on them. And so, when I played the old, "terrible" keyboard in my residence, i was glad that I had a keyboard to play. When there is a blackout, I often worry about the assignment due the next day, but instead of cursing the situation, I always find myself lying on the grass looking at the stars relaxingly or playing music in the dark - the piano, the acoustic guitar, or the flute. Oh - the flute - it's really a great invention of our ancestors. Someone says music is the global language, and that's so true. Although I'm best at and love piano, there are times that the piano becomes a luxury to me, because of it so-called nobility. I do perform and love concerto music; however, I still think that music is more about universal. That's why I'd like to have my bamboo flutes and my harmonica with me anytime. I'm so bad at them, but actually, who cares, as long as with them I can play music and easily show others how to do.
Oh, and when I say "appreciate everything", it includes also nature and events/ opportunities. I guess that's how I learned to care about environment and the mutuality of relationships. Talking about that, those who don't care to maintain the mutuality of relationships are naive by my definition, since they haven't learn the precious value of it. And that's what I called arrogance, complacence, hostility, self-centered, egoism. I remember some one on BBC saying : you don't have to insult others to be frank. Well, my comment is, at this point, clear.
But, it's really a nice feeling, everyday you wake up and say thank you for everything, smile with everything you receive in your life, and demand no more than what you need to get. Once you've learned to love your life as it is, you'll be happy. It's just how you see life.
And once you've learned to appreciate your random luckiness, you'll feel no need for luxuries. Well, I don't know actually, maybe it's just me. Anyways, I think the simpler I take it, the more joy I'll have and the more I know I have to do, can do and willing to do. The more I do, the more I'll change. To change the world, you have to first change yourself.
But, OK, it's not a matter of knowledge, it's a matter of belief. By knowledge, I know very well how ugly the world is... well, maybe I don't, but I do know that the world is either as ugly as or more ugly than I know it is. But by belief, I believe I have the rights and responsibility to appreciate it, and I'm indeed very happy to do so. It will be a lie if I say that I strongly believe I will change the world. However, I do believe that I'll never change anything if I don't try.
Well, I don't know why I'm writing this at 2 am the day I'm having my English year 1 exam. But I'm feeling really good now... and I do believe in myself and our - my and his - desire to make a difference. Thanks for reading :)
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