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Is it something I did
Is it something I did not do
Was there something I was expected to do
Why else then, would I be a pinball if I was wanted
I wonder
Sometimes I wonder, alone, in silence
During these episodes, it gets dark
Too dark to see
I can not tell where I get the strength to move on
I tried to look everywhere for the tiniest affection
I looked in your eyes
Only a cold stare met me
I looked in your smile
It was tight as always
I searched desperately
There was nothing for me
Desperate I called you 'mama'
I thought it would do the trick
It only made me loathe myself
For you denied me out rightly
I never gave up
I hoped that one day
You would come for me
Say I am sorry
And say you loved me
In the meantime
I held on to my God given mother (my grandmother)
She gave me strength, love, understanding
And almost every time
Made me forget with her hearty laughter
Time fled by, and I still wondered
Is it something I did
You had not changed
I have never received a birthday card, letter, or a success card
Nothing
Christmas came and went, but nothing
I waited for a phone call
Thought you would call and ask how tall I was
Whether I have grown those thin hairs or not
Am still waiting
Then I thought
Is it something I did
Were you raped
Was it in-consensual
Was I a mistake
Am I paying for what happened
Would I have done something to stop it
In darkness, I still am
Through rumours though
I have a sketch
Of who he was and is
For you refused to tell, even to your mother
You refused to tell me who he is
So I channeled my energy in studies
My mother (grandmother) saw me through high school
On completion, I qualified to go to University
But my mother (grandmother) was wearing out
She and I thought you would lend a hand
But you were unshaken
So I stayed home
And it got darker and darker to see
A man came along and promised a future
I fell for it
And reaped what I sow
A child
A beautiful child
I have waited patiently
For your support and guidance on this
I constantly watched my door
Thought that the thought of a grandchild would snap you
I was wrong
Dead wrong
I cannot believe that you have not
And do not intend to set your eyes on her
Whatever your reasons
God is the Judge
When the sun sets
I pray it sets with me
So I don’t get to see sunrise
Somehow, I have managed to see sunrise
My beautiful child has become my sunrise
I live for her
I tell myself, she is not a mistake
I tell myself, she was begotten with love
And I always tell her that I will always be there for her
In poor and in richness
I tell her I love her
I wonder
Do you know what you are missing
You then decided to rub the sketch I had
You produced another sketch
One that makes him a past tense
Which one is which
Doesn’t it ever get to be enough
I hear you are a Christian
A holly one indeed
Am told you chair many committees in church
Am told you have participated fully to build your church
And I wonder
No teaching snaps you
You must be a rock
It’s now twenty four years
Twenty four years of loneliness and longing
Twenty four years of yearning for acceptance
If at all I am twenty four
If at all May 17 is my birthday
For you have never told me
All I have is a sketch
A sketch of who I am
Makes me wonder
Who chose the names for me
Was it him, you or my mother
Now, finally, after a long wait, I give up
Officially, I resign
But before I do that
There is a picture of how I live
I live in a donated garage
My garage has no window
It consists of a bed
And old bits of stuff
All donated
My beautiful girl is called Hearty
For I love her from my heart
She is taller for her age - she is three
Staggeringly, she goes to Trinity pre-school
She loves reading, enjoys singing and dancing
She is very playful & beautiful
I teach her values and the greatest value-LOVE
She does not own a room
She has neither bed nor bedding
We share the little we have
Despite the dingy surroundings
She has a beautiful chocolate skin without rashes
She and I brush our teeth in the bucket
For the bathrooms is just a mess
She uses a jug of cold water for a full bath
I use two jugs of cold water
For I buy water daily
And I cannot afford a full basin of bathing
I traded all the valuables I had
And bought a 14-inch Toshiba television for my daughter
I don’t work
For I do not have sufficient education
Basically - I survive - if you know what I mean
I doubt you can have a glass of water in my garage - it’s too dingy.
I thought it was the end of the road for me
When my mother (grandmother) passed
But there was sunshine at the end of the tunnel
Just so you know, I have dreams
I dream of being a pre-school teacher
And do fashion designing at home
I believe I will get there, just like you did
I have continuously lived in your spell
Finally
I break free, it is time to shine and shine
May you enjoy all the luxuries the world can offer
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pride of africa
Humbleness, is a gift that's worth diamonds, to have a gift of writing, is exceptional, to be an inspirational writer, you have to be able to feel emotionally what you are writing about, i feel alot about anything that degrades humakind, i have reduced everything to one thing LOVE, love alittle bit more today......please
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