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Why do I feel so tired? Why does nobody see how hard I work? Project after project... pressure after pressure I cannot breathe... Why does nobody hear me scream for understanding? Why do I always have to smile and cannot express the way I really feel? Why does everyone want me to smile though I feel absolutely not like it? God, what a shiny world. There is no energy anymore and I want to be on my own. I don't speak anymore to people... And why are there people I try to work for and make their life as comfortable as possible, hate me so much? I probably will never understand it. Something has gone out of track a long time ago. Just I did not realize. My body reacted I did not listen, were I to busy to work day after day.
The left side of my face starts to sleep while having holiday. It took almost a week until it went a way. During lunchtime I feel too tired to talk to people, just want to be alone. Suddenly I am so exhausted that I cannot recover from a weekend rest or a holiday. I start to take medicine for headache and tiredness. My stomach starts to hurt and I feel all the time sick. God, why did I not take notice.
Project after project, fight after fight, no understanding after the other. So much unfairness to hide and endless pressure, sleepless nights and days of complete exhaustion finally brought me one night to the hospital.
Not being able to breathe nor move - the diagnoses was a burn out. Screams of not being able to take a rest - I need to work and an injection to calm down were the beginning of realizing how tired and burned out I was. Terrible weeks of depression, not being able to move my body and only a speech of monotony was the result. Were I not to have a family and a beloved husband on my side, I don't know how would I have dealt with this illness.
I fight and work to be better day after day, week after week. How can I forget business? At present I can only do little things such as homework very slow. I need to look in front, have quit my job and don't know what the future brings but I am happy that the pressure has gone out of my body. Start to eat healthy, take up a little bit of sports as best as my body lets me.
There will still be a few weeks to go until I am completely fit but one thing I learned and I want to tell everyone: Please enjoy life and remember you work for a living and not for your life. Find something you enjoy working for. Go to the nature and enjoy the beauty of the greenery- may be you see a deer, write to a dear friend you have not kept in touch with for long. Enjoy whatever hobby you have got. Take care of yourself and why don't you make somebody happy everyday with a small gesture? Don't expect to get something back in return because you do it because of love. Happiness is more important than any academic title in this world or no matter what people think of you. Just remember: Everyone is worthwhile and unique as long as you are happy. Live for yourself and not for the others.
You are great the way you are!
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CM
I came across a few outstanding people in my life from various nationalities:
An Ethiopian guy who only wanted to learn as much as possible from all over the world to help his country to have a better standard of living. My eyes were always on his lips to learn all about the interesting things he has explored.
A Japanese guy who got one of my best friends. A very different culture than ours, yet so close to ours. I really love this guy and his wife so much.
On our honeymoon we made a world trip and the poem "East vs. West" was actually what I felt while visiting Vietnam and Cambodia.
"Impression on Mind and Heart" is just a life experience. I came across a Swiss guy with whom I always refused to dance Salsa until the day we met in a Restaurant. A great dancer indeed and a wonderul person.
One of my greatest experience is my dear friend from iceland. I love her and her family with all my heart. My best friend. In honor to her wedding as a bride maid, I wrote the poem "Switzerland calls Iceland"
Last but not least, I want to mention my husban. The essential part of my life. I love him with all my heart, he is the air I breath in and my everything I live for. No poem on this toppic - too private:-)
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