TIGblogs - Cherrie's TIGBlog

Minute Choices

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 04:10:00 EDT

Ok OK. OOOKK!!!

Each moment - I will make the happy choice.

Even if it's the harder one.

Do it.

Technorati Tags : Cherrieland, Happiness

From cherrieland.blogspot.com

Rock Hard

Sat, 04 Jul 2009 06:07:00 EDT

If you're ever feeling down, rock hard like this kid:

Technorati Tags : Cherrieland, Spreading Happiness, Video

Bluepill Redpill

Tue, 09 Jun 2009 05:06:00 EDT

Hmm, so last Thurs MC kindly suggested that I should take a chill pill at least one day per week (DC reiterates this point, as does everyone who knows me, I'm sure). Well, I'm embarrassed that I still have to be told this sort of thing - I'm a grown woman!! IV thought this last phrase was hilarious... =(

Well, I don't want to be the stresser or the sad one, or generally show any weakness, because history has shown that our lab does not take 'weakness' lightly. No, in all fairness the lab is very supportive and understanding, but it's just scary to watch people drop out of a PhD or not get offered one. It's scary shit. I guess that in general, people prefer extroverted, witty, clever/skilled at many things, humble, easy-going, deep, involved, logical and compassionate types - just like von Neumann.

I know about von Neumann from Chapter 5 of "Who Got Einstein's Office?", which talks about people who have been through the Institute of Advanced Study in (not of) Princeton. I read that chapter last night. And Chapter 4 the night before, 3 the night before and 2 the night before that... Yes, you're quite right, I was offered this book at the meeting with MC. I can look at brief biographies of people like von Neumann in three main ways: (1) a goal I can never attain; (2) a goal; (3) a goal I used to achieve. Depends on the day, I guess.

Chapter 4 was about fractals (see also) and set theory. I am fascinated by fractals, simply because I don't really understand them and I cannot imagine these extra dimensions in my mind. In fact, I couldn't get to sleep because I was probably thinking about transcendental numbers and I couldn't stay asleep for very long so I could look them up online in the morning. I hate that. The subconscious OCD-ness, despite conscious self-discipline... most of the time.

Chapter 1 was boring - about the Institute's beginnings and Flexnor, the guy who visioned and ran it for a while. Chapter 2 was on Einstein I think and it was disappointingly scarce on detail. 3 was on Godel and I found it sad that he thought he had not given enough to the Institute, the world, nor God. The writer goes on tangents sometimes, it's a bit weird and ever so slightly annoying.

Well, since Chapter 4 (and installing bloody CS3, which took 5x more time than what I allocated) gave me only 3.5 hours of sleep on Sun night, I think all of the new information from various people in my life was teetering me like a Jenga tower and I got horrendously upset last night and in fact, this morning. Don't get me wrong, I feel privileged to be in the know, but I guess there are many things to think about now and my brain bled some tears. It's also why I'm not talking to people, because there's a traffic jam into the Broca's. Hm... I know I don't have any control over the family worries, but at least I can offer my ears and money. I guess.

Well, I made a worry pie. I won't make a happy pie, simply because too many things make me happy and I'm easily amused, anyway. It's sort of funny that IJ's worry is over whether or not he wants to stay in science, moreso than whether or not he has the ability to do well, whereas I am definitely the other way around.

12 months from now, 7 people in my life are expected to no longer be in "reachable" distance. Well, why not.

Technorati Tags : Book, Cherrieland, Life, PhD

From cherrieland.blogspot.com

Microsoft Regional Innovative Students' Forum 2009

Mon, 01 Jun 2009 08:06:00 EDT

It's over, it's over. :(
Luckily, I still have my reflections before I pop this bubble
and breathe reality's air again.

Disclaimer: ~ 5 hrs sleep for ~ 7 consecutive nights didn't lend to real-time blogging, as I intended. But you know I'm more of a retro-blogger... Anyway, you have been warned: (1) This is long; (2) I am crazy; (3) Pick and mix - the bits you skip won't cry - I promise; (4) the Boxes are tangents. Hell, I feel like a tangent at times. :P

BACKGROUND

This was the 5th Asia-Pacific Microsoft Regional Innovative Teachers’ Conference, with participants from New Zealand, Philippines, Korea, Vietnam, Singapore, Indonesia and Malaysia, to name a few. It was sponsored by Microsoft Corporation, with support from the Ministry of Education Malaysia, UNESCO and TakingITGlobal.org (TIG), to bring together teachers from Asia-Pacific to showcase innovative approaches to teaching that involve technology. The teacher attendees were chosen within their own countries as the best (don't ask me about this process, I don't know) and presented posters throughout the short Teachers' Forum (2 days) to each other and to a panel of judges who graded using the following criteria: level of innovation, effect on student participation and involvement, extent of student autonomy, relevant use of technology, in the context of available resources (e.g. funds, equipment, skill and connectivity). One winner from each country will have the privilege of competing at the global Teachers’ Forum in Brazil in November.

This year is the first time that Student Voices have been present at this region’s forum. Though it may seem like an obvious idea, its acceptance requires a leap from many educators, particularly in areas where education is still highly disciplinary and learning is assumed with teaching. TIG played a key role in finding and engaging students who would best represent the student body of the Asia-Pacific region. Students were invited to participate in online discussions over a period of ~ 3 weeks to discuss the state of education in their countries, as well as ideas about what the ideal or the future of education may look like (cf. Student Voices 2005¹). 15 students were chosen to attend a ‘Student Forum’ (ISF09) that occurred alongside and at the same venue (Le Meridien) as the Teachers' Forum, immersing the students in ~ 4 days of intense development and voice.

THE ISF09 PROGRAMME included:

discussion with local students about education: 57 students from a local KL school (who had to write an exam immediately following the meeting!) met with the student delegates and answered questions about education in groups for about 2 hours - I thought this was a good idea, at least to get more students thinking about their education and for them to know that this sort of work goes on "behind the scenes"
brainstorming workshop by Bernise Ang and Shaun Koh of Syinc.org: a session to help the students think more deeply about issues surrounding education and what they can do to help inspire change - I thought this was timely, especially since all of the student delegates had already talked a lot about their ideas online and it was a great time to explore them a bit more deeply and to think about their ideas in more realistic terms
presentation by Joel Neoh on entrepreneurship: he shares his experiences and thoughts after winning Malaysia's version of The Apprentice, 'The Firm', modelling and co-founding YouthSays.com, Malaysia's largest for-profit network of youth opinion - sort of like what 18tracker was, bu obviously better model since they have a larger contact base and also hold real events to retain and attract new members) - I think his "for-profit" model turned a lot of the students off, but nevertheless I thought it was very clever of him to harness the power of a contact list - he is obviously a very resourceful person and pragmatic about what he wants.
presentation and personal help by Brian Lariche on project management: Brian shares his experiences as a teacher/tutor, working with NGOs and life in general! He generously gave up his time to come back and give priceless one-on-one advice and support to the students' projects - Brian is a very interesting person, who is generous with his time and opinions - I would have liked to battle some of the topics that were raisedt if I had not felt that I might have overshadowed the students' opportunity.
student projects: students were given time and mentorship to brainstorm and present their ideas for improving an aspect of education through use of technology. The aim was to submit these projects for a chance to receive funding from a pool of USD5000, provided by Microsoft. These 'Micro-Grants' are intended to give the students a taste of what it takes to develop, plan and execute projects on a small scale and more importantly, provides an opportunity for their models to be tested before application for further funding and expansion. On top of this prize pool, there was also the opportunity to win free enrolment into TIG's e-course 'Sprout' for youth professional development - I think these projects were the most enjoyable part of the forum for the students - they felt like they were contributing something. However, with perspective, these will just be small stepping stones and I hope the students will remember lessons from side-conversations in years to come, as I will, no doubt.
student-teacher interaction: a formal session for students to address teachers was provided, as well as informal gatherings during poster presentations and breaks - to be frank, I don't think there was enough opportunity for the students and teachers to talk. Even at the Gala Dinner, I felt that the student presence was being side-lined. However, I realise that this is the first time students has been at this forum and I think it was a good first effort. Hopefully, it will continue to grow in creative ways in the future.
mentors and TIG staff: to help enable Student Voices on the ground, Michael Furdyk (co-founder and Director of Technology of TIG), Kat Walraven (Education Program Manager, TIG), along with 3 mentors, Bernise Ang, Shaun Koh and I basically tailed the students at every waking hour. :P Although the 3 mentors were initially designated 3 groups of students, I found that we all got along so well, it was basically one big happy group - I very much enjoyed observing and learning from this interesting group of people, with amazing skills and ideas. I only wish that I had more time with each of them to talk about our thoughts and experiences!!! I think at this age, it is difficult to find people who you connect with because everyone is moving in their own directions so rapidly. I thought we all got along extremely well.

PERSONAL OBSERVATIONS

Projects and Hope

In my opinion, the one theme that resonates with all of the student project ideas is equality. The students wanted others to receive the same opportunities they had/have, regardless of their socio-economic status, locality, teacher/school system or temporal-residency. I made this last term up to describe some students’ focus on sustainable development and ecological preservation, which in essence ensures that future generations have the same opportunities as we do.

Observing young people of diverse background/opportunity share a unified desire for equality makes me think about all of the families, teachers and communities that are successfully teaching (instructing and demonstrating) compassion. I think that the ability to place ourselves in others' shoes is a fundamental ingredient in achieving sustainability. However, teaching compassion is not easy, particularly when basic selfishness is confused with greed, and when young people are difficult to reach. I imagine thin golden threads wavering from a small child’s inner eye, attracted to and caught by larger threads that are coloured and tarnished from experience. Each cable can spark a connection that transfers love, understanding and knowledge. Together, all of the cables caress and shape this child's potential. However, the ability to spark is contextual and each community needs to establish and understand its own values and find its own way in engaging its youth and citizens. Without this, no community or society has a positive future (Box 1).

Box 1:

Building Communities

Of course, not only are cultural behaviours important, societies must also reconsider its behaviours that are biologically suicidal. For example, if we continue to pummel through our limited resources, then we are essentially killing our chances of survival. I don't really want to go into all of the arguments about 'climate change', but I think the basic idea of sustainable development makes sense. See, perhaps, Jared Diamond's Collapse: How Societies Choose To Fail Or Succeed. I have yet to read this, but have heard Diamond talk about it when he visited the University of Auckland a few years ago.

Society is More than The Sum of the Individuals

I was staring at the night-scape of Kuala Lumpur, marvelling at the lights when I suddenly saw that we can solve everything by understanding each other, so that we are able to unite our individual efforts. The problem is engagement and one can only spark passion in others by first understanding the way they view the world. For example, it would be ideal to reduce the number of city lights turned on at night to reduce power consumption. However, lighting is considered important for safety (though the validity of this is disputed in some places), so basically, we need to reduce crime. To stop raising criminals, we need equal distribution of resources and responsible communities that work to raise children together. We need more holistic/inclusive thinking/planning, for example, using ramps instead of short escalators, adjustable thermostats, smarter water cycling. The narrow thinking evident in various facets of society may be a result of an education system where the world is arbitrarily segregated and consumed in a well-pre-processed manner. Where are our integrators? Where are our high NA lenses with large fields of view?

Youth

I have learned a lot from each individual of our 20-strong crew. Every person was interesting, with their own talents, idiosyncracies, ways of thinking, stories and passions. I think one characteristic that defines youthfulness is agility. They are open-minded and open-hearted. They are eager to learn and unafraid to be optimistic.

I enjoyed observing: their faces light up at the chance to talk about their passions, at the making of new friends, at the seeding and germination of new ideas; their features break into smiles and laughter at wit, irony and fun; their eyebrows furrow at difficult concepts, tight deadlines and lack of sleep. I watched the TIG team work: listening to the students and offering insightful/motivating suggestions and stories when necessary, while I tried to do the same. I was inspired by everyone’s dedication and rapid connection with each other - TIG continues to catalyse precipitation of like-minded youths. =P

My favourite moments were the one-on-one conversations. I hope I imparted some useful "wisdom", but at the same time clear that I am learning, too - I don't claim to know everything, if anything! If only I had more time to get to know everyone and learn about their stories and ideas, not just about education.

"Night,
Field of stars above us.
You pick one, we frame it with our fingers intertwined.
Seeds, of every generation, between our hands and
I promise to teach you the little I have learned,
So far..."
Seeds, Brooke Fraser

I am so excited about what these young people may experience. Many of them are moving through school and entering college and indeed, the world, with a lot of hope. They will face challenges and disappointments and I would like to be a source of support and friendship, if they will let me. But already, I feel that this experience has been a privilege, for I am young, too. I am excited about my future, too.

Box 2:

West Vs. East

There may be an interesting and not necessarily sharp contrast between students schooled in Eastern and Western countries. Of course, this is not surprising if you listen to stereotypes, but it should surprising if you consider that most, if not all, of the education systems and curricula in South-East Asia are based on Western (e.g. Cambridge) systems. This leads me to yet another rant about community values (Box 1), where the culture of school and wider communities (including upbringing), more than the school system itself, shapes a child's attitudes towards formal education. No doubt, the lack of formal credit towards non-academic endeavours will also play a role in student motivation, but this are also reflect community values. I am always ranting about values, simply because I don't think many people know what their own are and why.

As a group, I was impressed with their diligence, aptitude and dedication in listening and completing tasks to a high standard. But they also giggled and whispered during boring presentations and you knew when they lost respect for someone. I would really like to dispel the myth that all Asian students possess an academic advantage. In all of the students that perform well, I think the common theme is that education is held in high esteem. They have been taught that only a sound education will allow them to get ahead, get out of poverty, realise their dreams, in life. Not just a pass or a piece of paper, but a good education. It is not just the family unit either, it is the entire nation - yes, I am actually saying that NZ does not value intellect as a nation. It doesn't. It seems like even intellectual people put themselves down or try to prove themselves by excelling in a lot of other areas. Do the same pressures fall on sports people? I think the tell-tale sign is to ask children what they think are cool or worthwhile - they are the values of that society, hmm?

Honesty

Most of the teachers and students at these conferences have English as their second language. Though it is a barrier for participation, I think it enables honesty. I guess it is a balance between being able to express yourself and being able to spin your expression. I am profoundly attracted to honesty.

Teachers and Students

Students wanted their teachers to listen to them and respect their questions and suggestions. Students wanted mentors, not instructors - guided autonomy? Students liked teachers who are able to admit their mistakes/weakneses and try to improve them. Most students already have information at their fingertips - they need help digesting it. Students have lots of ideas - they need help formulating it against existing knowledge and presenting it in a logical manner.

OTHER 'FIRSTS' AND NOTES

La

Malaysians and Singaporeans end their sentences with 'la', a lot. It is interesting as a rapport-creating rhetorical device, blah blah blah - but you know what is MORE interesting about it? It is the perfect platform to launch into song, e.g. "Don't worry, la... la la la la la la....l-l-l-l-la x 2.... LA..LA..LA...heee taught me hooooow toooo waaash...." (Oh Happy Day, Sister Act)

Icecream Teppanyaki

Icecream + toppings + chopping = good, nutritious meal. Video here (2x speed).

Fish on Feet

Dr. Fish were in the house (Central Markets) and for NZD2.5, they entertained me for 10 mins. I think they enjoyed it, too (see image - that is one content fish). YouTube video (warning: squealing).

Serama - Smallest Chickens in the World

A tiny chicken, it's true! OK, at first I was sad (because they had strange posture and vocals, see video), but they are a naturally-occurring species, which means they are less likely to have problems associated with breeding (e.g. pure-bred dogs).

Batik Painting

(1) Pencil; (2) wax; (3) water-colour; (4) remove wax. Stoked I got to try it. Trying is always a win.

Movies On Planes

Last Chance Harvey: bad script + good actors = still bad movie.
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button: interesting idea - creativity = moving Brad Pitt gallery = still boring.
I Am Sam: interesting story + great acting (except Michelle Pfeiffer's dramatic scene) = balling eyes out on the plane = good. Being moved is always a win.

Flying

Saw another plane flying by while in our Boeing... first time EVER!!! Wow, it was so fast - I knew but never grasped visually how fast it was until now. And for the first time, I noticed our plane's shadow and enjoyed watching us meeting it on the ground and seeing how fast our land speed was (ignoring the movement of the sun and our approach to the ground, etc.). Image shows tail of the other plane (bright streak) - I was too slow to capture the plane itself - and video shows the shadow.

Things in a Box/Game of Things

Great game that we played after a night at the pool. Great introduction by Kat! Will remember for the future. Also thought of a PostSecret game we could have played. Oh well, next time.

The Circle

So at the beginning of this trip, I was pondering about the self. I think Brian Lariche sums it up very well:

If you will think about what you ought to do for other people, your character will take care of itself. Character is a by-product, and any man who devotes himself to its cultivation in his own case will become a selfish person.

I suppose things like this are supposed to be transient. The precipitate is created and then shaken into solution again to maximise the surface area for reaction.

Technorati Tags : Cherrieland, Education, ICT, ISF09, Kuala Lumpur, Student Voices, Youth

Bound for Kuala Lumpur

Mon, 25 May 2009 06:05:00 EDT

10:30 Pacific Time 26.05.09 Auckland Airport

I am waiting for my 12:50 flight and thinking about what I need to be to be a good mentor for Student Voices and person in general.

I need to listen.

I need to be more intellectually and emotionally flexible so that I can live more in the moment (i.e. be available). I need to move from quick understanding (passive) to quick debating (active). I need to be emotional agility to better respond to others. That is, discard any emotional baggage, so that I am not living in my head, so that I can look people in the eye and receive a compliment, notice and respond when somebody needs me and listen to and consider criticism to ask questions right there.

I’ve slowly come to realise that this availability is required for me to understand where I stand with people. That is, if I gauge the meaning of a relationship on an absolute scale, I will fall short of a correct measurement. I need to compare how people treat me versus how they treat others to gauge how they regard me, if not at a similar time (best comparison), then over a longer observation period to try remove the confounding day-to-day variation. In other words, I need to consider my relationships with people (simplistically 3 entities: me, the other and the connection) in a context of a network. That is, whatever they feel towards me has to be viewed simultaneously with their other connections, because they are constantly being pulled in those other directions.

I say this because I worry a lot about what others’ (whom I respect) think of me, but have little idea, because I am good at explaining away any positive signs of respect or affection. And with this sort of "weakness" in mind, I want to formulate a way to examine the world for feedback without imposing my need and without becoming self-centered or naive about the idea of self-improvement.

I can't wait to meet these students. I can't wait to meet the other mentors and the 'new' TIG Education programme manager and I can't wait to see Mike again! I worry about my relevance. I worry about my social skills, given my current passion/obsession is not really a topic that anybody else has an interest in. But - get on with it! Just do it!

Technorati Tags : Cherrieland, Education, ICT, ISF09, Kuala Lumpur, Student Voices, Youth

From cherrieland.blogspot.com

New Country, New Segment

Mon, 25 May 2009 04:05:00 EDT

The Country Thing

Am going to Kuala Lumpur in Malaysia in just over 4 hours. The flight will cover ~ 8713 km in ~ 12.5 hours ¹. I am going for the Microsoft Regional Innovation Teachers' Conference 2009 (Twitter #isf09) with MF and other TakingITGlobal.org members - I should probably try to remember that before I get there. I'm excited, but nervous!!! More about that later if I have time. I have spent too much time doing data analysis as opposed to preparing for this. Still - 12.5 hrs left to prepare...

The Segment Thing

Maybe I will try record at least one interesting and/or entertaining conversation from each day, along with one photograph/video depending on how good the internet is.

1 http://flights.idealo.co.uk/route/Auckland-AKL/Kuala-Lumpur-KUL/

Technorati Tags : Cherrieland, Conference, Kuala Lumpur, #isf09

From cherrieland.blogspot.com

An Oyster Doesn't Know It's Creating Pearls From A Grain of Sand

Wed, 13 May 2009 04:05:00 EDT

Is waiting for questions that will allow me to view my life in new light.

In other notable and possibly related news,

"So... have you got a boyfriend, yet?" - YKJ, at AM's dinner.

Me + boyfriend? Isn't that one of the signs of the apocalypse?

But god I almost had a heart attack from the mixture of emotions:

shock at her blunt approach
embarrassment at the audience
shame at my innocence
relief that finally someone has brought up one of my major torments that I think needs to be talked through
fear that if we started talking about it, I would just break down and resulting 2) and 3)

But in the end, I just muttered a quiet "no," and that was that.

But hey, it's OK. I wasn't born, I was made a robot.

~~Yes I am aware there are multiple interpretations of that sentence.~~ Correction, PJC just told me about Cherry 2000. Ew!

Article: What Makes Us Happy?

Technorati Tags : Cherrieland, Life, Thoughtlet

An Oyster Doesn't Know It's Creating Pearls From Grains of Sand

Wed, 13 May 2009 04:05:00 EDT

Is waiting for questions that will allow me to view my life in new light.

In other notable and possibly related news,

"So... have you got a boyfriend, yet?" - YKJ, at AM's dinner.

Me + boyfriend? Isn't that one of the signs of the apocalypse?

But god I almost had a heart attack from the mixture of emotions:

shock at her blunt approach
embarrassment at the audience
shame at my innocence
relief that finally someone has brought up one of my major torments that I think needs to be talked through
fear that if we started talking about it, I would just break down and resulting 2) and 3)

Article: What Makes Us Happy?

Technorati Tags : Cherrieland, Life, Thoughtlet

From cherrieland.blogspot.com

People Are Sad! :(

Fri, 08 May 2009 06:05:00 EDT

There are people around me who are sad/stressed.

Are you?

This is the point where I wish it was OK to hug you without it being weird.

But in the mean time, I can listen and try to make you feel better. I'm good at it! I guess you have to ask my conf... what do you call people confiding to a confidant? ... In all honesty, it's a relative thing. :P

But - it'll be OK!

Hope this makes you smile, like it made me smile:

But it sort of just occurred to me that while I consider that many of my bad feelings can be alleviated with a hug, it might be the same for other people, too! I always sort of assumed that other people only got bothered with real problems, whose resultant bad feelings cannot be alleviated with a hug.

Technorati Tags : Cherrieland, Life, Spreading Happiness

This Is About Trust

Wed, 06 May 2009 07:05:00 EDT

The End of the World

OK, I watched Large Impact Simulation (1) and you know how I reacted? I thought, no, I felt that if the world is to be destroyed tomorrow, _we_ will be together. The strength of this feeling was such that I am still in shock and I can retrieve it at any time. But _we_ don't and cannot exist. Maybe I just want to someone trust like that. Maybe I want to be bold and take what I want like that.

Power Trips

I really refuse to participate in the power games that some people seem to play. It's not about dominance at all - it's about trust and being comfortable with yourself, isn't it? Or should I learn to play the game, too?

Evidence that Effort Influences Outcome

Danny MacAskill shows in Inspired Bicycles (2) that determination can bring about stunning results. Further, he shows he can innovate while respecting current norms.

This is motivating, because a lot of the time I feel as if no amount of effort can make up for my deficiencies in characteristics necessary to a good academic (problem-solving, networking information, perseverance, teaching, people management) or to handle 'politics' or withstand inevitable betrayal of my trust (diplomacy, cleverness, boldness, strength).

A Quickie

Wed, 29 Apr 2009 05:04:00 EDT

Hey all. Still alive, yes, yes. CQ Reunion at Auckland Zoo on the weekend. Spent a solid 3 -4 hours painting people's faces. Loved studying their contours and applying colour. Loved asking the kids what they wanted to be and enabling it. Love playing with kids. Loved seeing AP, who is turning 12 next month.

I turned 23 today. So much gratitude for my friends and family. So many kind words from far and wide, from unexpected corners. Thank you so so so much. Every word, every action, every smile and hug. Everything. So much impact on me right now. I needed this right now. I only hope I can be a source of light, too.

Found this a couple of weeks ago when answering a questionnaire about the quality of PhD supervision. It asked me how confident I was in the items below:

Train and supervise research assistants
Perform research procedures to collect data
Identify and report limitations of a study
Attend to all relevant details of data collection
Effectively edit your writing to make it logical and succinct
Analyze research data
Synthesize results with regard to current literature
Write method and results section for a research article or similar publication
Ensure data collection is reliable across trial, raters and/or equipment
Effectively write a research article or similar publication on your own
Organize your proposed research ideas in writing
Write an introduction and literature review for a research article or similar publication
Choose appropriate data analysis techniques
Identify implications for future research
Incorporate feedback to improve your research design or write-up
Develop a logical rationale for your research idea
Generate researchable questions
Interpret and understand data analyses
Synthesize current literature
Choose an appropriate research design
Identify areas of needed research, based on reading the literature
Utilize criticism from reviews of your ideas
Write a discussion section for a research article or similar publication
Obtain approval to pursue research (e.g., approval from appropriate Ethics Committee)

Holy fudging crap cakes. But damn that's me in the intermediate-future. I hope.

Meanwhile, V addiction is creeping up on me. So, none of that tomorrow.

Songs of late: Something's Missing and Split Screen Sadness. Both by John Mayer:

Eurgh I can't check their quality for you, because Telecom is being a floater.

Technorati Tags : Cherrieland, Life

If Could Be Wrong, I Could Be Ready

Wed, 15 Apr 2009 05:04:00 EDT

I've been listening a lot to Coldplay and John Mayer lately. I like listening to people talk about things they care about, I suppose that's why I like listening to songwriters sing their songs*. It's the same and almost guarantees honesty.

In Repair
John Mayer

Bigger Than My Body
John Mayer

I know I enjoy the present, I don't want to go back to the past - I'm just seeking confidence. I am finding signs that people believe in my abilities, e.g. if they are willing to have open-minded, informative discussions with me about controversial topics and if they are willing to talk to me and seek advice. I may not have all the solutions, especially regarding serious issues like schizophrenia and abuse, but I'll do my best and what I think is most appropriate.

I am reminded to be grateful that these two issues are not closer than they already are.

*also art and composers, etc.

Technorati Tags : Cherrieland, Coldplay, Life, John Mayer

From cherrieland.blogspot.com

A PhD Is Not A Gold Standard

Tue, 24 Mar 2009 05:03:00 EDT

Two things today annoyed me (apart from finding I had bought mouldy carrots and caterpillar-enriched lettuce):

ONE

X: hey how's it going...what are you doing these days, a PhD?
Me: yep
X: just started?
Me: no, almost one year now...
X: oh really? have you secured your funding? how is your project?
Me: Yeah I have funding. Not quite sure about what I'm doing though, but I'll keep going... just doing my lit. review while I try to figure it out
X: Lit. review? Wait, are you doing your honours? Masters?
Me: PhD.
X: Why are you doing a lit. review? I never did a lit. review.
Me: It's a first year goal to finish a substantial piece of writing, so though I don't technically have to, I might as well write as a I read...
X: Pfft (that's ridiculous)?!

TWO

Me: I want MC to get back so he can help me. I don't know what I should do.
X: You really should try to think about it yourself.

BOTH of them involve someone else trying to tell me I don't know what I'm doing/that I'm inferior. What is with that? Am I not thinking enough? If I am not, how do I think more effectively? If I am thinking enough, does it mean I'm not good enough for a PhD? What does that even mean? Having a PhD is not a gold standard.

Everybody has an opinion, but few want to listen. To one person I'm too arrogant to ask for help, to another I'm not independent enough. Too hard to get, too easy. Too organised, too dreamy. Too energetic, too pessimistic. Too nothing.

I just want to talk with people I can trust and who won't try to 'win' at every opportunity. I don't want to talk to anyone else anymore. - leave me alone.

Also, I'm not going to let these comments get to me - I'm only going to listen to people I respect. You know I respect you, right? Maybe you don't. Sometimes I feel so incredibly defeated in every aspect I said I'd try to achieve. I just wanted to help you.

Technorati Tags : Cherrieland, Life, PhD

From cherrieland.blogspot.com

Endures Forever

Sat, 21 Feb 2009 08:02:00 EST

22 Feb

Last entry for a while, ok!! BECAUSE? BECAUSE I am going back to the lab tomorrow!!!

21 Feb

Tonight I am watching Brooke Fraser perform at the Starlight Symphony. She radiates extraordinary beauty and talent. It is as if while most of us aren't even looking or aware we need to look, she has found the seeds within her and nurtured them. I let her music catch me with a very strong feeling that I could never reach her or people like her - I'm not the same as them. I will still try to do my best, but no matter how near I want to be, I can never reach them. It's almost the same as how I felt last year when I heard Butterfly Kisses (though notably, minus the sobbing and tears) : I feel like I owe an apology because I can't get any control over it. Regardless, I still have a naive hope.

Mystery - Brooke Fraser

I want to get your words stuck in my head
I want to touch your soul with mine
I want to always be, be by your lead - always

I want to know that you hung the stars in the sky
So on lonely nights I would know your presence
I want to feel your love under my skin, down in my bones

Your love endures forever
Your love changes me
Your love makes me whole, makes me better
Your love endures

I want to feel the wind and know that you're near me,
See in the seasons your mystery
I want to feel your love flow through my veins, pound in my heart

Your love endures forever
Your love changes me
Your love makes me whole, makes me better

And I want to know how this could be
Yet your love remains a mystery
That's woven all the way,
That's woven all the way,
That's woven all the way
Through me

Your love endures forever
Your love, it changes me
Your love makes me whole, makes me better
Your love endures

Technorati Tags : Brooke Fraser, Cherrieland, Auckland Starlight Symphony

From cherrieland.blogspot.com

I Never Think You Notice, But You Notice

Wed, 18 Feb 2009 02:02:00 EST

Feb 15

I'm almost 100% certain that all my feeble mind does is revolve around the same, pathetic themes. In contrast, I am not at all certain whether my fat, grotesque physique can run 10 km anymore, let alone 21. But on the bright side, this bronchitis has given me an opportunity to listen where interactions have permitted. Nevertheless, I feel fatigued and monotonous, like the water cycle, (condensation-evaporation-)_n in a humid climate...

Of course, all of this water in the air didn't leave a lot of room for love (but when did Valentine's Day leave room for love?). However, someone did have time to make this (thanks, ZF).

Meanwhile, these trains are inspiring. Last Friday, I saw Jenny Shipley fundraising for the NZ Heart Foundation, whose collection days are always disappointingly quiet.

I read Memoirs of a Geisha by Arthur Golden (sleep is really erratic). I was drawn in by the writing style, but was disappointed with the lack of depth in character development and creativity in plot (chick flick in disguise) given the intricate history already given to him. Still, I extracted some nice quotes,

"Hopes are like hair ornaments. Girls want to wear too many of them. When they become old women they look silly wearing even one." p344

"Adversity is like a strong wind... it holds us back from places we might otherwise go (and) it tears away from us all but things that cannot be torn, so that afterward we see ourselves as we really are, and not merely as might like to be." p405

"How strange... that the same woman who looked me so frankly in the eye as a girl, many years ago, can't bring herself to do it now." p485

"How curious it is, what the future brings us. You must take care... never to expect too much." p409

"Sometimes... I think the things I remember are more real than the things I see." p497

It reminded me of Raise the Red Lantern, a film about a young Chinese girl who becomes one of four wives/concubines in a wealthy man's household. I don't like reading about these young girls who, though clever, have naive hopes of love/romance/friendship/security only to find (at some point) that her life/future is at the mercy of either men who regard her as little more than an object of beauty and pleasure (plaything) or women who regard her with competition instead of sisterhood.

Some may say that personifying beauty and pleasure (and having such influence) is a respectable position and it may well be, but I think that power is only an illusion, as the beholder can take his affections away as his attention span pleases. I don't know that it is a feminist or humanist issue - these characters are desperate for love/security and naively think they will attain it from their focus of desire (desperation?). Maybe men and women's ideas of love differ? Maybe it is an individualistic thing? Is the bottom line that desiring a relationship places the source of their happiness external to themselves? Though these films were set some decades ago, isn't it the same now? Aren't we still the same creatures?

Perception (Feb 12)

Those who are in love with practice without knowledge are like the sailor who gets into a ship without rudder or compass and who never can be certain whether he is going. Practice must always be founded on sound theory, and to this Perspective is the guide and the gateway; and without this nothing can be done well in the matter of drawing.
The Notebooks of Leonardo Da Vinci, Translated by Jean Paul Richter

Recently, my status read, "Let's have more meaningful conversations, yeah?" To which two responses were received,

"I like poos," the irony of which makes me wonder - what makes a meaningful conversation? Maybe in how much it is informative, descriptive and/or interpretative (note continuum of objectivity to subjectivity), depending on its purpose (though I dare say some appear to lack purpose). Maybe meaningful conversations can be qualified by the extent it allows us to receive the lower frequencies - the main point(s), feeling(s), personality(ies) - usually through verbalisation of higher ones.
"Let's talk about the meaning of life," which I got annoyed with because I couldn't be sure whether they were mocking me or being serious. I would respect the former because it is cliche. For the record, I believe the meaning of life is what each individual makes of it, it is self-realisation (though some folks mistake that with self-indulgence), it is change, it is disequilibrium. Done. Sure, I want to know and understand your meaning of life and how you came to your (likely temporary) conclusion, but that's not what you said. Also, I like considering the implications life meanings, i.e. meaning of the meaning of life, e.g. my meaning of life basically makes any supreme 'being' irrelevant. Lots of people ask me what the meaning of life is - am I being mocked? A lot people also think I'm Christian. Weird aye.

Anyway, it's actually more than because it is cliche. It's because since I see (mostly?) everything as relative, there is no objective answer to that question (i.e. truth is practically a consensus or social construct, though theoretically I don't object to true reality being a basis for our interpretation), or rather, one cannot ever proove whether or not a 'real' reality exists, because we are always bound by our interpretation (unless we build some sort of self-serving machine... I'm not sure about this logic, but I will not digress here). Anyway, the POINT IS, I am interested in people's perception and in particular, perception of self. It's important because self-perception has a huge role in determining your self-confidence/motivation, relationships with others and success in the work-place, i.e. control of your life. Though it is often reported that people generally have a positive psychology/mentality (e.g. Dunning-Krueger effect - "unskilled and unaware of it"; Downing effect - people with lower IQs overestimate their own intelligence and underestimate others', while people with higher IQ can better estimate their own and others' IQs or even underestimate their own), I find that it is more than just positive/negative cognitive bias. I think people have quite deluded self-image(s)! In aspects of personality, talents and/or relationships, people can drastically misjudge their quality!

I want to know how people perceive themselves and how they come to their conclusions.
I want to be able to get an idea of how confused the population is - i.e. how aware they are of their perceptions and of any discrepancies between that and reality.
I want to know whether people have best friends or close relationships because this helps reduce the judgement error.
I want to know if telling people of their error will help them improve their judgement or whether the error is a mechanism that has an evolutionary advantage (?).

Of course, I don't think I will ever know, even if I wanted to devise some sort of experiment (I don't). I, too, am bound by the limits of my perception. It's a stupid question, but, WHY, MAN, WHY?!

But actually, I don't know if perception of self has much to do with perception in general, as perception of non-self involves less data collection (just simply because you are with yourself all the time, no other observation period can ever beat that). Do you think less information is better or not? Is it like the human condition of being overwhelmed by information (e.g. choices) and not being able to come to a conclusion (e.g. decision)? I don't know, it's that bandwidth issue again and the whole life as a lens thing again. I told you my thoughts go around in circles. But I don't know what this means for reductionist approaches to science. I don't think it matters. It's like information/knowledge theory or whatever - wasn't there that 5 week discussion with NZ teachers about that sort of thing years ago and I was astroturfing. I think these thoughts are my weakness.

What I can't figure out is people tend to hide their perceived weaknesses, particularly from those they seek to gain respect from. One of my biggest insecurities is my intelligence (or lack thereof; the other is the lack of abilities to lead a meaningful/worthy life) and yet I write about my thoughts here. What if my most revered idols read this and realise I have the IQ of a wilted cabbage? But then again, I reread posts sometimes and I am certain I'm a wilted cabbage. I guess I never want to pretend to be what I'm not. I don't even know what that means coz we can always try to change for what we think is better.

Efficiency (Feb 17)

I'm sort of panicking over here, because I've been sick for three weeks and only one of those weeks has been spent in the lab. You do know that there are only 52 weeks in a year, right? It brings to mind my old school-day schedule, which consisted of 6 x 50-minute classes during school hours and quite easily 10-11 hours of study or extracurricular activities. I don't know if I am getting old, things are just getting more difficult or (the worst thing) something is lacking in my motivation.

Of course, now I'm thinking about the lab and lab stuff (because I've been shoo-ed) and I just remembered that almost two years ago, MC gave me a little file named 'sp**k', then flew away. I avoided it for a week, then stared at it for another week and sort of freaked. I didn't even know how to call the routine. Then I realised I only had one week left so I went and tried to decipher every line and went through the tutorials (for the second time, since I obviously didn't grasp the relevance the first time in 2nd year) and eventually realised I couldn't do what I wanted with it (can't remember what) because the equation gave one -NaN value. I can't believe I actually like programming... no, you're right, it totally fits the description of things I'm likely to like. Actually, I don't know if that timeline is right because another time he went away I spent forever trying to measure the height of you-know and making that silly piezo-electric you-know. Which reminds me I had a new idea for that that I wasn't sure if it was a new idea or not.

You know, I never ask for help unless I'm really stuck or have no idea how to proceed? I feel like a complete cop-out if I feel that I haven't tried hard enough to solve something before I ask for help. You know, sometimes that's bad because you can waste a lot of time trying to reinvent the wheel. So it is a bit of a balance, but I feel that you might as well go home if you're going to ask for help even before you've given any real attempt. I know for sure that some people think I'm a stubborn, proud know-it-all because of it. I know because they've told me. I hope they know now it's not true after all this time in the lab.

When Can I Go Back? (Feb 18)

Of course, the deal is that when I have solitude for a period of time, I regress back to my unvarnished self. It's sort of like, where have my fortresses gone?

Anyway, I went and borrowed A Clockwork Orange (coz DC recommended it ages ago), A Scarlet Letter (trying to up my classic count) and some trashy book yesterday so I would have something to do in between sleeps... which reminds me I should have borrowed Salt: A World History. Anyway, I read 15 pages of Orange, as the Preface suggests, to get used to the language, but my heart's not in it. As for Letter, I could not get past the first chapter - I don't know why the author would spend a good deal of tree and ink describing his affections for a town. And the trashy book became too trashy. But you know what I've read a few chapters of now? The red book. I feel better that I'm doing something useful between sleeps because I'm getting really anxious that I'm achieving anything at all.

And I'm also scared if I post this, people might yell at me for not resting. I am sleeping when I'm sleepy!!! My arms hurt from all the sleeping (I sleep on my side, sometimes with my arm underneath my 'waist'/the lack of space where there should be space)!!!

You know what, also (coz I just realised I tag every post with PhD and Life, because they are almost the same thing these days)? DB said (after last year's little misty-eyed confession of uncertainties over my aptitude as a scientist/person with brains) that I should diversify, which is the right thing to say in risk management, but actually if you want something really badly in life, like it's your passion, then giving it your 100% is the only choice you've got. But then, truth matters, too. Yes it does. But anyway, I don't know why we're not friends anymore. It's like CP. You think people are really close friends and all of a sudden, they just disappear off the face of the Earth. You keep trying for a (long) while, but eventually you get the message.

Technorati Tags : Cherrieland, Friendship, Life As A Lens, Life, PhD

From cherrieland.blogspot.com

Still Sick and Going a Bit Crazy

Sat, 07 Feb 2009 01:02:00 EST

07.01.09 5:46 pm

I'm have 2 more Coldagin left (of 30 I was prescribed) and have just bought 48 Panadeine (basically the same thing), 48 Nurofen, 20 paracetamol, 60 Gaviscon (it was on special) and 1 bottle of Robitussin. Apparently codeine is one of the best cough supressors (antitussive, an expectorant breaks down mucus) known.

I feel nauseous.
I feel hot.
I feel nervous.
There's no-one to talk to about interesting things.
I can't speak without coughing.

I really really really feel like throwing up.
I feel a little frantic.

Why am I sick in summer. Why am I still sick? KV is moving in tomorrow, MB wants to pick his stuff up, 3 separate groups of people want to go to the Lantern Festival. I don't care, I don't care - I want to throw up.

Berocca Original tastes like shit.

I have a long list of analysis to do, of which I have done half. I want to do the other half, pull it all together and then show it on Monday... as well as throw up. How many f*ing Ca2+ ions are in the dyad? Why does Langer and Peskoff says it gets as high as 600 uM? I want to throw up. I don't understand. Why does NCX have to be there to confound everything. I want to throw up.

I should not have gone to PC's birthday bash (for 3 hours) yesterday. I should not have removed myself from the flat (for another 3 hours - KEIC, solitary dinner reading Elements of Biophysics) because my flatmate was having a day-long date in the lounge. I should have stayed in bed and iPoded out any scary sounds.

7:32 pm - I'm going to bed.

Annoyed

I hate it when people put apostrophes in the wrong place or use poor grammar, for example, photo's.
I hate it when people "can't" do simple addition/subtraction in their heads.
I hate it when people sound like the neighbourhood gossip, which a lot of people do. Shut up.

Racism

I was at the pharmacy and this old lady asked the pharmacist where she could find herbal tea. He pointed her across the road and she said, "Oh wonderful! As long as it's not Chinese - you never know what they'll give you." I went and hid in the next aisle.

Dreams Of Blood and War

Last Night

We are at a birthday party. I don't know the birthday girl (BG), but she is rich and beautiful. Her housing complex includes several fast-food restaurants. I order food for me and my friend (who knows BG) and we are about to sit, when BG takes over and begins to eat with her smaller group. We are shocked and I uncharacteristically react by knocking her (our) food off the table and walking out. As I move through the front gates (that resemble those of ancient China), I realise it is the early, darkest hours and I am scared.

I begin to walk and soon find a group of backpackers. I ask them where I could use a phone and an American girl tells me to stick with them, it'll be ok. We stop at a van nestled between two abandoned caravans and she says, "This is us for the night." She climbs into the driver's seat and the other 6 clamber in the back. I sit in the passenger's seat and am grateful for a place to sleep when she starts the engine to look for parties. I feel tired and slightly alarmed, so when we near the city, I ask to be let off and I begin to walk the rest of the way home. I remember thinking that I didn't want to be dropped right outside since I didn't want them to stay.

Snap, I'm trying to walk home. I'm in an army uniform and there is a line of similar people behind me. All around us are other lines of about 10 people moving toward a similar destination. We continue on our planned route to base camp, when all of a sudden we see the other lines turning around. An officer is turning everyone away, saying the path is removed from service. We wince because it means going back down and around the mountain, along the more treacherous route. However, as we begin to turn, our leader shouts from behind to continue. I sense that something is not right, but follow instructions, as we had been walking for days and the fastest route to shelter seemed the best in my mind.

We are almost at the base (an old school building, which was apparently my old school in my dream) and although we couldn't quite see it, we could see many lines of soldiers converging. We are told by kitted aides standing by to go down through these grassy hills. My friend (MC) and I walk and begin to run. The hundreds of troops running beside us seem to feel the same numb urgency. We look about us and the landscape is now covered in belongings. We ask an aide whether these were ours stuff and she shouts, "No, no! Just keep going!" So we do, but almost instantly I see a pile of clear plastic folders enclosing letters and stationary. I shout, "MC, that's our stuff!" She sees it too and throws me a puzzled, helpless look that says, "are you sure? Why is it all over the ground?" They are letters of secrets we were told to write to ourselves and were supposed to be transported back to base in guarded army trucks. Now, every 5 metres or so there would be another 10 m wide mound of people's belongings. We hastily pick up our stuff (for some reason I had three small bags instead of one and I swore at myself for being such a hoard), glanced at the other bags and wondered where the others were, then continued to run. People were sprinting now, though their footsteps are drowned by the sound of helicopters.

We finally reach the complex and it is empty. We have no idea where anybody else is and we cannot hear any clues. It is a convent school, where most corridors are naturally lit by narrow, dusty windows. On this day, the light is white and blinding but seemingly unale to penetrate the thick atmosphere of the school. A white-haired woman in a teacher's dress and cardigan finds us creeping up the staircase and motions for us to follow her. We soon recognise her as my old form-teacher. She smiles and explains that she has been told to lead us to safety. She walks steadily with correct posture and her head held high. We think everything is going to be ok and smile at NO (my actual stats teacher from highschool) who hustles towards us with a no-nonsense expression. She nods and is gone. I wonder why she is going in the opposite direction from us as we walk along a right-hand-railed path that now seems to be in an underground carpark. It leads to a little office in the middle that looks exactly like a Schroff's Office, but sometimes a reception and the path is wooden instead of concrete.

The teacher walks down the path as it bends left and the three of us follow in a line. I am last. I can hear the shoes clap against the concrete/wood and suddenly I sense extreme danger, scream "NO!" and dodge to the right. I have just run three steps when I hear a silenced-shot and see blood splattered on the concrete wall in front of me. I can smell it. My friend, MC has run at smaller angle and has blood on her. I follow her - I don't want to be alone. So I get blood on me, too, as the shots continue. I turn to see the first bullet had gone went straight through the teacher's head and thereafter through her torso. Her body hangs in midair as the bullets pellet through her like a pillow. The blood is setting on us and the expression her face is set as one of inevitability, as if she knew her death. But why did she lead us here? Did NO know? I look in the office and there is nothing there. Everything is still.

Somewhere in my dream I want to cry, but I don't.

Cut. I am in a hotel complex with Japanese decor. The lighting makes the room look pink and warm in a sickly sort of way. I am wearing a baby pink singlet with rose pink satin shorts. The room I am sleeping in barely fits the three single beds in there and they barely fit the 7 of us. I look up from the middle bed and find my makeup accessories on top of our duvet. I think it is strange, but daren't touch them in case it wakes up the others. I manage to get out to try find a bathroom, but our en suite is being used. I go next door where some members of my lab are staying. Luckily, the bathroom is free. The door doesn't slide close all the way, but I risk it. I need to change my sanitary pad and I do, but when I look I need to change it again. I am confused, but try to hurry as I can hear voices. I peer out and it is MC2 and PC whispering intensely. MC2 is saying that the danger is too great, we need to leave. He starts to walk over to the bathroom door. I am done, I look over at the waste basket and see it is overflowing with used napkins and blood. He doesn't notice and tells me we have to get out. Today. It's 2 am, we have to get ready, we have to leave now.

I take my clear plastic bag (with letter and stationary) and am ready to go.

Two Weeks Ago

I am observing over her shoulder. I was her. I am not her. I don't exist. She sits in a group of friends, one of whom is her boyfriend. They are in love. They are laughing. They sit in on stone seats and the stone ground, next to a square stone table. It is the central courtyard of the ancient Chinese house with doors facing East, West and South. The boyfriend goes to get a glass bottle of milk (with the golden foil on the top) from the fridge and drops it. Everybody laughs and she offers to get some from the local store. She leaves by the Southern doors with a basket on her bike, smiling contently. She doesn't come back. The war has started and the local village is bombed by the Japanese. The friends and the boyfriend mourn, however he is conversed by a priestess and he can turn back time.

He goes back to the second before he drops the milk and doesn't drop it. He saves her because she doesn't go to the store. Their friends are as before and he is happy because he knows he changed the future for the better. Later, their friends decide they want a barbecue so they all go to the supermarket. They're having a good time choosing things and the girl and the boy are pushing the trolley together. Suddenly, there's a Japanese soldier at the end of the aisle and they can't leave. She is raped and killed in the aisle flanked by Japanese wine in green bottles on one side, and fresh milk in glass bottles with the golden tops.

He turns back time and they don't want a barbecue. He suggests they go to the park. They have a great time and he thinks his future has changed for the better. They all bicycle/walk back home. I see them approaching the Southern doors. The next moment, I look inside and there are bodies all over the courtyard. The youth are lying everywhere, in positions conveying struggle, with bullet wounds in foreheads and torsos and disembodied limbs. The boy and girl are metres apart. The wooden furniture is broken and everything looted. The war has begun. I hear music and the notes are played on machine guns.

Learning

I was browsing Artichoke's latest entry, when this statement jumped out at me,

"Effective teaching and learning occur when both my students and I can tell you; what we are doing, how well it is going, and what we need to do next."

And my immediate reaction was, "hah. I don't know what I'm doing and I'll bet you that my perception of progress is much different from my teacher," and it struck me - my teacher. I keep thinking progress, three years, becoming the best scientist I can be... and yet I have forgotten to remember I can't learn by myself. I have to learn from my teacher(s), not supervisor(s) - oh hell the horrible misinformation that comes out of that name - supervisor, supervisor - as if I was on some manufacturing line with a set task and my performance is overseen by my supervisor... as if I tick off how many caps I've put on today and put it on my record and if my productivity is in the 99th percentile, I can show my supervisor and he'll reward me by putting me in front of the line.

I'm a student and every student needs a teacher... and yes, a more concrete one than the "cosmos". Stop needing to prove you belong here.

Technorati Tags : Cherrieland, Dream, Life

From cherrieland.blogspot.com

Why Do You Buiild Me Up, Buttercup?

Tue, 03 Feb 2009 06:02:00 EST

1) Thoughtlet of the Day:

And all this time, I thought macaca was parrot poop.

2) Longer yarn from a previous (03.02.09) delirious afternoon:

Everytime you make a bold statement like,

"I'm going to take control of my life!"
(see previous post, how presumptuous)

the cosmos inevitably retorts an Edna Krabappelian, "HAH!" and despatches several viral particles that fly straight into your laughing, naive mouth.

Several days later, your body is manically trying to cough its own lungs out, while your brain is incessantly hurling itself against the wall of your cranial cavity (which decidedly feels a lot more cavity than cranial) to regain the centre of attention. Then it gets hot, like sweating, tingling, shivering hot... yes, cold.

You drag yourself to a doctor, because hey, you might as well take advantage of these public services and in all truthiness, you are a little worried because you haven't had such cannibalistic headaches in a while and you need to put your baby back to #1. You note that the doctor is doing the meningitis checks (e.g. "is this blinding light I'm flashing into your eyes causing you any problems? Hmmm??"). She gives you Coldagin, which is 500 mg paracetamol, 8 mg codeine phosphate per tablet and you can take up to 8 per day...

... in conjunction with Nurofen Plus, which has 200 mg ibuprofen and 12.5 mg codeine phosphate per tablet. You think,

"Cosmos, you're such a joker."

And of course, 8 Nurofen Plus, 4 paracetamol (down with Panadol!) , 16 Codalgin and 2 new thermometers (don't ask) later, you do find it pretty funny... no wait, you've run OUT of Nurofen Plus, which makes your p.o. dose of codeine phosphate 16 mg, which is an excruciating 43.63% reduction... aaaaaaah *wails like a young woman whose millionaire husband just died* (dramatic, pathetic and socially unacceptable). [also, screw ibuprofen because I heart my stomach lining]

And following the advice of Glaxosmithkline (dammit, I did have a Panadol packet), "if symptoms persist, please see your doctor," tonight I will studiously take my temperature before I go to bed. If it is 29 C or above, I shall consult my dear Dr. SC (who I've seen three times in the past 7 days) once more.

Well, what did you learn, kiddos:

when Cherrie hasn't spoken for 3 days, she starts to sound like a gossip columnist*

*confounded by analgesic intake... actually it does say not to operate heavy machinery - that's my brain!! haha. Sucker. Ooooh.

Technorati Tags : Cherrieland, Sick, Thoughtlet

From cherrieland.blogspot.com

How Hot Is This

Thu, 15 Jan 2009 03:01:00 EST

Dimensions

Discovered from Ze Frank
Technorati Tags : Cherrieland, Dimensions, Mathematics, Media

From cherrieland.blogspot.com

111

Sun, 11 Jan 2009 05:01:00 EST

Commitment

ND and HH got married on Sunday! Wow, how awesome it is to see a great friend go for lifelong happiness, what honour it is to see human beings make a lifelong commitment to each other and how humbling it is to see them expressing their appreciation for the people around them. I am watching mortals push time forward. It is breathtaking, as if people attempt to dissolve space-time, such that they create everything and eternity. It is like your intellect tells you everything is finite, but you allow yourself to be foolish enough to believe otherwise and you are happy for it.

I will say right now I don't know if I have the capacity to do any of those things, quite aside from my thoughts on institutionalised marriage. They spoke of love and I drew a blank. You know it scares me and seeing them give up certain freedoms for love made me feel a bit like a coward. Meh. Not something to bother with now, methinks.

Botany Danske Mobler Coffee and Pakuranga Bus Ride

Had long-awaited catch-up with SY, VM and ML. Honestly, why is it that I see my friends ~twice a year? Choices. Anyway, interesting people and interesting conversations. Exploring Botany was also exciting.

On the bus ride back, I was 90c short and this guy offered to pay the rest for me. He was quite friendly and we ended up going to have a beer?? In hindsight, it was not a responsible thing to do. Hm. But now IV, ID and LR joke about me picking up strangers on public transport. :S

Camp Quality 2009 [www.campqualitynz.org.nz]

What an unusual experience to spend 7 days in constant company of people, with 6 of those days with an 11 year old 'camper' for 24 hrs a day.

I was initially worried, but my camper was an extremely responsible and considerate person whom I just adore. Although she is a bit shy, she is willing to give things a good go given a bit of encouragement. She has her own opinions and preferences, but is passive assertive with her expression. She became friends with a girl who is a year younger than her and extremely extrovert (on most occassions). They were an extremely good match and I think that despite their apparent differences, they were actually quite similar. They both had their shy moments and they both gave support to each other. I thought it was great how they gained confidence in each others' presence and also (humbly) in mine. My temper did not go beyond the first degree and the hardest part was battling the fatigue of endless activities (v. little sleep due to snoring symphonies :P). I actually lost 2kg despite eating dessert and other things (e.g. biscuits) that I don't usually eat.

I also got to experience a lot of things that children do that I hadn't actually done before (or very much), including going to Rainbow's End (first time in bumper cars!), jumping in a bouncy castle (first!), playing on a floating obstacle course at the pools (first!), dancing/doing the limbo/macarena at a dress-up disco. I saw the moon and venus through (two) telescopes for the first time ever!!! It is so amazing to appreciate what we were able to see. It was funny, my camper asked something like, "Can you see Saturn?" to which a 5 year old enthusiast piped in, "Can you see Russia?!" There was a singalong one night with goodies like All My Life and Lean On Me with two guitars. Oh I can play about 7 chords, two scales and strum now. In a crappy sort of way.

I think when I was little (and now) I was/am like my camper. Even if I wanted to sit in front of a cool racecar or go on a ride, I would let it go if someone else was more assertive or I wasn't encouraged a little bit, so I missed out on quite a lot of opportunities. But this time, because these kids were around I felt I had to be assertive for their sake and it was easier to be braver.

The kids went on hot air balloon rides, helicopter rides and we also went to MOTAT. What amazing inventions. I must go on them before the end.

Flight Back And Other Things

Wellington domestic has a new awesome way to check in. You don't need to talk to anyone. Just machines and you chuck the bag onto the conveyor belt yourself. It is sweet. ND picked me up from the airport. It is a bit unsettling to realise what a gaping hole there will be when ND goes to Adelaide. And SY to [somewhere between Melbourne and Canberra]. Exodist to Australia, huh.

IV and I went to the Tamaki Campus gym yesterday and it was awesome doing the Kick Fit class and then weights afterward. We harnessed tyres to ourselves and ran around the field. I won't tell you what it's supposed to be good for. ;) I am so grateful that IV takes me so many places. She and her family are extremely generous and kind-hearted. She knows so much more about life than I do.

Summary

I feel very good about this year. It is only the 13th day and already I have sensed, felt and processed so many new things. I really need to accomplish more, push myself more and learn to show more appreciation. God, I just know so little, you know? Thankfully people at the lab and my family/friends are always looking out for me. Everytime I think I might forfeit effort, I remember how MC took me to the trains/planes and talked to me when I didn't know what to say. I glimpsed a little bit into how hard that is by spending the past week with a shy, yet wonderful kid. I just wanted her to just go for it and just shine, but she needed encouragement and she was so realistic with her outlook. It is eye-opening to now know the helplessness I felt. But also the determination I also felt. Oh, at Wesley College (for CQ), I saw a poster that said, "A teacher's goal is to help you reach yours", which is not quite the same as helping you reach your potential, is it? I just thought that was sort of interesting.

I am very excited to be back in the lab and I am not going to let silly worries (e.g. putting too much time into science and ending up not being very good at it and realising that I'm alone) and things silly people say (e.g. I'm undesirable) get to me so much. Eh.

I still need to get more sleep and stop drinking coffee. Stooommacch. :(

Image Sources : www.samedaymarriage.com, www.welcome2manukau.com, www.bravemain.com
Technorati Tags : Cherrieland, Life

Wellington Christmas

Fri, 26 Dec 2008 07:12:00 EST

Boxing Day

Yay, M amp; D are home! Something about my parents is security. They are familiar, I know them.

Not that I consider security a grand master, for is not safety the flip-side of settling? Either settling down or settling for less is sedimentation or equilibration, which is what happens to things that are not alive. In a way, that is saying complexity is at least as beautiful as simplicity.

But then again, I spent today solitarily pounding the Quay trying to find wedding attire and observing people purchasing things that make their lives more complicated in superfluous ways,

"Oh I shouldn't... but I don't have this in brown and I will need it in the future."

Given that such words are associated with frustration and guilt, or even a little naughtiness knowing they perhaps did not deserve that reward, perhaps we should manufacture a machine that will report the average feeling of mankind in the world. Perhaps that would be a good feeling to reference our own problems and feelings.

Maybe not - can you imagine the skyrocketing depression and subsequent skew of the meter?

Christmas Day

Christmas was spent doing nothing with my sis at home. It was good. Our novelty "whitenised Christmas dinner" included steaks, roast vegetables and apple crumble in front of the TV.

Being that TK is constantly at work, I spent the bulk of my time learning to play the guitar.

I wonder if many people think about the origins of Christmas?

The Overlander [www.railnewzealand.com]

So I had planned to use this trip to read and think, but I ended up hanging out with BK, whose friendliness took me by surprise. It meant I didn't have any time to absorb my surroundings, but it was actually good to have someone to go to the observation deck to scream at fields, in tunnels and over bridges. I'm shocked I could chat with a complete stranger for 12 hrs and he still wants to keep in touch. Go figure.

The scenery of Mt. Ruapehu is spectacular and the 30 min stopover at 'National Park' was refreshing. I would definitely recommend it, although the train carriage atmosphere should be improved if they want to differentiate themselves from the cramped spaces of aeroplanes. Given that trains cannot surpass planes in neither speed nor convenience, they need to capitalise on people's willingness to pay for a 'unique' experience. I for one was disappointed about the lack of table.

Another peculiar thing was that the train had a little bar with sandwiches/salads supplied by Wishbone, which was a pleasant surprise (although their EFTPOS is on the mobile network, so bring cash). There were two periods during the trip where all sandwiches were half price for 15 mins. It is funny that urgency triggers larger total revenue than constantly low prices.

We passed several power stations, which was awesome to see. I am a little appalled at myself for not knowing more about the generation and distribution grid considering where I worked for 3 months. At least I knew that when we passed Otahuhu, they looked like and were supposed to be coal plants. :(

We also went up the Raurimu Spiral, which apparently was an engineering feat including one complete circle and three horseshoe turns. I don't know why I committed that to memory. :|

Oh, there were 14 bridges on the journey and I think something like 11 tunnels. See how I remembered 14 due to its tabular format and not 11 very well because it was embedded in a paragraph. VISUAL people, VISUAL! Most of these tunnels are within the national park (as you would expect) and like, 4 of the tunnels are between Kapiti and Wellington. The longest tunnel is the second to last one approaching Wellington. It is 4.2 km, which is pretty cool.

I also didn't know that Ruapehu is the tallest, with Ngauruhoe and Tongariro following. Apparently Ngauruhoe is geologically a vent of Tongariro... this part I got off Wikipedia. Speaking of sketchiness, the sentence structure of the Overlander commentary is weird. They really need someone to proofread their scripts to remove the... tautology. By the way, that's the nice way of saying verbal diarrhoea. But then who am I to judge...:P

Hm. Always good to end the Christmas blog with diarrhoea.

Merry Christmas!

Image Sources : upload.wikimedia.org, farm3.static.flickr.com
Technorati Tags : Cherrieland, Christmas, Overlander, Settling, Train, Wellington

2008 Part 1

Mon, 22 Dec 2008 03:12:00 EST

2008 has been a strange year.

It started off with hope and excitement: a manuscript, a new job, an overseas scientific conference and my first graduation ceremony. I had a naive hope that all of these new movements (like increasing the temperature of a reaction mixture) would let me meet an interesting boy/person. My plan for the year was simple: get my restricted driver's license, get a boy, read, paint, try new things, start a PhD well, run a half-marathon. My life was a bloom.

Dragon-boating, rock-climbing, dancing, flying, drinking, oil-painting, reading new books, new conversations, new people and yet I feel like I haven't learned very much. I feel that my sphere has grown smaller. Yet I know I must have learned something because I feel so different.

I'm disappointed because I feel like other people are achieving objectives that I am ignorant of. People my age have such diverse lifestyles, I wonder how any of us really know if we're doing OK. What I'm trying to say is, I think I have learned a lot about how other people operate and I have seen more of how our society operates, but I still don't understand any more about me. Am I doing OK? Maybe further analysis and understanding requires somebody else.

I probably just need a moment of stillness to figure out what lessons are at the edge of my consciousness. I feel like a little bird trying to fly, afraid that I might be afraid of heights. Ridiculous, you know? Yet, there is still this resilient ember that continues to glow, telling me everything will be fine. Everything will be great. This train ride is the stillness that I need to fan this ember. The result shall be Part II.

Also, this seems obvious in hindsight, but I've realised how subjective advice is. People tend to speak from experience, which can be irrelevant to me. I used to take it all so seriously and consider every piece for its applicability and value. I need to make it a habit to step back and think - where is this person coming from, instead of always getting horrified that they might perhaps be right (e.g. it's all my fault that people are shit-scared of me or that a PhD is ruining my life). However, the intellectual and emotional rollercoaster of considering all possibilities with equal weighting will still be worthwhile, methinks.

I guess that even if every experience feels like almost the same thing with similar ongoing themes, I should (if I want to be better) still try to find new meaning. It's like what they say in design - the first 100 ideas/concepts are usually unoriginal. It's only once you break through that 100-mark that you really think anew - but the closer you get to that mark, the harder it is to think of more.

If I had to write down the one feeling that dominated 2008, it would be encapsulated by the following song. But I already feel that I am rising out of this 2008 haze. It'll be ok. Because of everyone who has been so kind to me. I don't know how I deserve it.

Talk - Coldplay

Oh brother I can't, I can't get through
I've been trying hard to reach you, cause I don't know what to do
Oh brother I can't believe it's true
I'm so scared about the future and I wanna talk to you
Oh I wanna talk to you
You can take a picture of something you see
In the future where will I be?
You can climb a ladder up to the sun
Or write a song nobody has sung
Or do something that's never been done

Are you lost or incomplete?
Do you feel like a puzzle, you can't find your missing piece?
Tell me how do you feel?
Well I feel like they're talking in a language I don't speak
And they're talking it to me

So you take a picture of something you see
In the future where will I be?
You can climb a ladder up to the sun
Or a write a song nobody has sung
Or do something that's never been done
Do something that's never been done

So you don't know were you're going, and you wanna talk
And you feel like you're going where you've been before
You tell anyone who'll listen but you feel ignored
Nothing's really making any sense at all
Let's talk, let's talk
Let's talk, let's talk

On a lighter note, www.thinkgeek.com has the most AWESOME R/C toys. Am honing in on that car that can go on walls. But for the price of that thing + shipping, I could probably get some pretty clothes. Coz apparently I don't dress up enough. Split. Will go to a toy store first I think. If it can't carry stuff then it's no good driving on walls, is it? Maybe a helicopter or plane is still better then. Who knows. Also, sometimes dressing up makes me feel like an object. Regardless of other people's reactions.

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From cherrieland.blogspot.com

...And today was a good day.

Tue, 16 Dec 2008 02:12:00 EST

It was!

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From cherrieland.blogspot.com

Resolute

Wed, 10 Dec 2008 12:12:00 EST

No more letting insecurities get the better of me (to feed themselves)
Hugs/affection (the key)

Your Song - Elton John

It's a little bit funny this feeling inside
I'm not one of those who can easily hide
I don't have much money but boy if I did
I'd buy a big house where we both could live

If I was a sculptor, but then again, no
Or a man who makes potions in a travelling show
I know it's not much but its the best I can do
My gift is my song and this one's for you

And you can tell everybody this is your song
It may be quite simple but now that it's done
I hope you don't mind
I hope you don't mind that I put down in words
How wonderful life is while you're in the world

I sat on the roof and kicked off the moss
Well a few of the verses well they've got me quite cross
But the sun's been quite kind while I wrote this song
It's for people like you that keep it turned on

So excuse me forgetting, but these things I do
You see I've forgotten if they're green or they're blue
Anyway the thing is what I really mean
Yours are the sweetest eyes I've ever seen

And you can tell everybody this is your song
It may be quite simple but now that it's done
I hope you don't mind
I hope you don't mind that I put down in words
How wonderful life is while you're in the world

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From cherrieland.blogspot.com

Short List

Tue, 21 Oct 2008 05:10:00 EDT

Item	Status
Paintball	Rocked socks
Unnamed JOURNAL won't add my supplemental that took ~2 months to build	Awesome (sarcasm)
Shower	Fixed
Fortnightly cooking	Complete
Tidy room	Complete
Bills/budget	Pending
Iron clothes, new load	Pending
Half-marathon	Pending
Marking	Complete
Data analysis	Almost
Reading	Never ends

You know what I miss? Going hard at a game, like tag. At school (pre-7th form stress), we used to play tag and dutch (and other games whose names I cannot remember) and try as hard as we could. It didn't matter we got exhausted. Everything else left in the day was relatively unimportant and/or easily completed without 100% focus. I want to chase my friends until I'm exhausted, skin-burnt, dehydrated and hungry... maybe not skin-burnt.

In a week, it'll be SIX MONTHS!!! SIX MONTHS!!!!

Technorati Tags : Cherrieland, Life, Paintball, PhD

From cherrieland.blogspot.com

Let's Start At The Very Beginning...

Fri, 17 Oct 2008 07:10:00 EDT

What I can't grasp is how come doing this PhD makes me feel helpless and unsteady. Am I not supposed to feel empowered through the very possibility of growth? Instead, I feel as if the journey thus far has simply been learning about my weaknesses and accepting that I can never be as smart or as creative or as practical or as good a communicator or xyz.

It is stressful and tiring, considering I am most comfortable (and happy) when productive and efficient and I think it is pretty safe to say that my output underweighs my input significantly. People often tell me that PhD students may fall into trouble if they don't have a good relationship with their supervisor(s) and/or they lack self-discipline/motivation. I think my self-discipline is ok. But all this work getting nowhere just means I'm trying and failing. Of course, I can simply try another way, but I'm not sure that I know how to do that - engage in different modes of thought, where appropriate. I think my supervision is pretty good, too, despite what other people say - but regardless, am I not supposed to develop into an independent researcher? Should I not be able to problem-solve and answer questions in a scientific manner but also identify them as well? And know which questions can be formulated into viable hypotheses? Am I not supposed to be able to teach and enthuse others on ideas and processes of science?

I am unsure whether these concerns are part of a Fid so that I should just suck it in and keep going. There's an element of faith in it - that trying in whatever way you know how will lead you to become the person you want to be. That's actually a pretty big gamble if you think about it. But that's what I've been trying to do (what are our other choices?). Nevertheless, I should find out whether crying 1-2 a week on average is part of it or whether I should seek further advice. I don't want to be f*king depressed, ok. It'd be like having a broken shower or microwave, just inconvenient. (Oh, the microwave actually fixed itself, thank you and I temporarily fixed the shower) I don't know if any of this is real or just a clever way to procrastinate from really truly thinking about my project. I feel as if I should be more forthcoming with ideas in topics, problem-solving and teaching, but my performance has been below the bar.

But the elephant in the room is I never want to do anything anymore, apart from think about my project and my development. In the short-term, I never want to go out to dinner, the movies, or any other event with my friends. But I do it anyway because I know that's normal and they seem to go well. I am grateful for their patience (and their existence - because people matter most). But I always feel like there is the me sitting in my body, being unnoticeably different (unless you know me very well) and the essence of me is floating somewhere above, keeping an eye on my body, but really, thinking about my project and my development... and on occasion, the US election, the NZ election, the financial crisis and other news tidbits.

In the long-term, I have lost interest in developing romantic/meaningful relationships and other life skills. Nevertheless, I make myself learn/try new things and have goals separate to my project, like running and rockclimbing, but any achievements there feel like nothing. Just like how I enjoy spending time with people, but it feels hollow unless I consciously force all thoughts of work out of my head. I want to work and work until I get somewhere. But I just get tired.

I can't help but think that in thinking that I had "the meaning of life" sussed early on, I really missed solving a big problem that obstructs our happiness - that is, the fulfilment of meaning. If defining the meaning of life defines its perimeters, the how of life fills its middle. I am having trouble reconciling all my wants into a cohesive life. Why can't I be better? I wasn't lying when I said I was completely sold on this academic path. I want it so badly, I just wish I was better at it.

And for f*k's sake, I don't want people to worry - that's why I stopped writing here. These are only thoughts and feelings. I just want to understand them and know what they mean... but I just don't know who to talk to about it.

Just yet another thing unknown to me.

That's wonderful in a way. One thing I can never fear is knowing everything - which would be fearsome indeed.

The Sound Of Music - Oscar Hammerstein II and Richard Rogers

My day in the hills has come to an end, I know
A star has come out, to tell me it's time to go
But deep in the dark green shadows
Are voices that urge me to stay
So I stop and I wait and I listen
For one more sound, for one more lovely thing
that the hills might say
The hills are alive with the sound of music
The songs they have sung for a thousand years
The hills fill my heart with the sound of music
My heart wants to sing every song it hears
My heart wants to beat like the wings of the birds
That rise from the lake to the trees
My heart wants to sigh like the chimes
That flies from a church on a breeze
To laugh like a brook when it trips
And falls over stone on its way
To sing through the night
Like a lark who is learning to pray
I'll go to the hills when my heart is lonely
I know I will hear what I've heard before
My heart will be blessed with the sound of music
And I'll sing once more

Image Sources : www.edexcel-international.org

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From cherrieland.blogspot.com