she lost control over her body

it had a brain of its own mdash; was not hers

felt like a programmed machine

able to figure things out mdash; even in doubt

she trusted her body

and all she could do

was watch what was happening

Make, move, make, move, make, move mdash; nothing needs you for too long unless you are in love and/or have kids, and even then, you can still make and move. Help as many people as you can by providing service. But when I say too long, I mean stop when yoursquo;re full. By full I donrsquo;t mean your hopes and dreams mdash; I mean pride and acceptance. By that I donrsquo;t mean give up mdash; I mean stop and think about longevity and sutainability. By lasting I donrsquo;t mean doing what yoursquo;re told to survive  ndash; I mean keep your spirit alive. By spirit I donrsquo;t mean God mdash; I mean your self.

Train yourself to be creative because if you donrsquo;t, yoursquo;ll just miss out on reality. Itrsquo;s all moving mdash; just catch it when it comes and roll with it baby (yes, you are a baby). The only home you got is in your heart and the only thing that distinguishes you is your creativity. Practice moving around. By that I donrsquo;t mean travel the world mdash; I mean face your fears and challenge your comfort.

Thatrsquo;s how you keep creative.

Ever wonder if anything is dead when you think itrsquo;s dead?

Like when you get into an argument with someone you have a close relationship with, or when you lose a game, or when you promised to do something and you donrsquo;t live up to? Do you wonder if you lost something knowing you can never get back?

I thought about it and then I realized Irsquo;m too stubborn. I thought about being stubborn and then I realized that human beings have various degrees of stubbornness in them. My stubborn temperature rises in strategic situations where my decision affects a larger situation that itrsquo;s dependent upon.

I believe in moments of stubbornness one can learn most about themselves, others and completion of tasks. Nothing can survive or be complete on its own. It otherwise would not exist. This means that we as individuals must realize how important others are and how invisible we as individuals must be in the process of completion.

I believe everyone should aim to become invisible by controlling their times of stubbornness. In the society we live in, people are not like that, which means you have to always remember that.

Nothing is dead and gone, because if it was, you could never grow and mature as an individual. The way you handle and recognize your own stubbornness determines your level of maturity. So learn as much as you can about yourself by aiming to become invisible in your run to the finish line.

Pace yourself to win the marathon.

Irsquo;m going to zoom out a bit here.

Irsquo;m Iranian. Yes. Full-blood, deeply rooted in ideologies, traditions and history of  Persian culture. You may argue that itrsquo;s dead, but I will argue that it is a living spirit that goes way beyond family, food, religion, language, music, poetry, politics and pride. It is a solid combination of all of them, still in search of identity.

I am who I am because of who my parents are, my family, my childhood and my life as an immigrant girl, now a woman, living in Toronto Canada. Itrsquo;s not easy might I add, more complicated than I expected. I have come to accept it however and respect myself and my body more than what Irsquo;m expected of.

I am also who I am because I donrsquo;t agree with what society gives me. Irsquo;m completely against it. I wish I could kill people who donrsquo;t deserve to live and take up land, resources and infect the minds of humans. Irsquo;m completely against brainwashing people with what is THE RIGHT WAY ndash; THE WAY OF GOD, THE WAY OF JESUS, THE WAY OF ALLAH. I think itrsquo;s all a pile of crap to keep us in our shells and used as tools within a system, whether its a political system, a technological system, a scientific system, an educational systemhellip;whatever the system may be. We have yet to pursue a system in harmony with nature.

Or maybe not, maybe this IS all nature and we ARE meant to be here exactly the way we are up to this point and our future is in our own hands. 

Zoom in: your life as one human. Zoom out: your life as one humanity.

Read a book to get ideas, donrsquo;t live your life by devotion to writing. Words are interpreted to create meaning, and as we know through evolution and time, things change mdash; itrsquo;s inevitable, the way of nature. We are growing up. Wersquo;re pretty mature now.

So Muslims, who are you? Tell me! I want to know! What defines you as a Muslim? Because Christians let their faith lead to capitalism and consumer culture and yoursquo;ve let your faith limit the nature of your body and pleasures. Sure there are beautiful sayings in the Quran, there are many in the Bible too. Not to mention some other pretty amazing science fiction writers, filmmakers, poets, artists and philosophers with revolutionary minds that manifested to MOVEMENTS in society. They did a good job of literature too, but they never called it the word of God and punished you for disobeying them.

I have the freedom to sit here and type up my thoughts and share it with others. That is nothing new.

What is new is the future of Iran.

Why?

Iran, in my opinion, is the most confused country in the world right now because I can feel Iran living in me since the day I was born. Maybe itrsquo;s my dad, or my mom, or the combinations of the two, or the generations passed down in spirit and cosmos. But I am Iran. Iran is a confused, chaotic, versatile, passionate, intelligent and creative spirit that has been encapsulated for thousands of years and has not given up. We are the last hope for this world. We are capable of redefining the Middle East, the cradle of civilization, because of our revolutionary spirit that has lived in us for years.

I donrsquo;t know what else to say buthellip;the time is right Iranian people. The media is on us. Itrsquo;s what wersquo;ve all been waiting for. Whatrsquo;s next? Community. Communication. Poetry. Our poetry will save us. Make a living poet the politician. No other land owns poetry like us. We have lived by it and continue to pass it down.

Use it Iran.

Use it now.

Itrsquo;s been over 2 months since I last made a blog post.

What a shame.

I thought I was going to reflect more on my experiences and continue writing. Well, sometimes its best to let it lead up to the point where there is enough to write about and the inclination makes it happen.

So many things are going on in my life, itrsquo;s hard to grasp and put into words. Basically, I have stayed put in a place that I feel comfortable. I realized that the confidence I have in myself is the ONLY thing I have that keeps me going and keeps my life pointed in the direction I need to be going in.

Irsquo;ve come to the conclusion that everything is meant to happen to you because you deserve it. Every experience you go through and every new relationship has a meaning and place in your life. The more clear you are on how you operate and function, the more comfortable you will be in your own skin and your thirst for being alive is what defines you as an individual.

Irsquo;ve come to accept that I am a leader and after many years of practice and working towards improvement, I have learnt that you are in complete charge of your life if you are brave enough to accept opposing views. Fighting doesnrsquo;t necessarily mean therersquo;s no love. The tiger wants to eat its prey and the prey wants to escape. Itrsquo;s life: death happens, growth progresses, now is all we have, so accept it and move on.

People will always defend themselves ndash; itrsquo;s part of human naturersquo;s law of survival. What shocks me when I look around me is peoplersquo;s fear. Maybe I shock people, and Irsquo;ve got it all wrong. I probably do shock people, but only  because I am shocked by peoplersquo;s choices of fear when life is about self-preservation.

This tells us there is love. We make our choices from love.

Love is violence. Love is freedom and bliss. Love for self is unveiled through curiosity, creation and play.

God is in-between. This is what sex is all about. The most taboo topic is the reason why we fear everything around us. We have a general fear of our own bodiesrsquo; abilities, so we choose to exploit them instead of understanding how they can give us access to pleasure, marriage and freedom. 

All these words in italic must be redefined. We must deconstruct and reconstruct our understanding of concepts that can give us absolute freedom and happiness in this age of evolutionary consciousness.

Let it all go, accept it all.

Life has its ways.

To nature, childhood and neighbours

Irsquo;m sorry for not showing you that I love you. I keep denying that i like spending time with you. We used to hold hands and talk to each other, without keeping any secrets; we were honest. I would run to you, not because you asked me, but because you called. I thought you were everlasting; my fears only appeared when i realized you were gone.

Irsquo;m panicking. Who am i? Why am i here? Why am i so far from you? Where did i go? Who took me away from you?

Irsquo;m talking to you baby!

Everything you did to me that fulfilled my desires is buried in an island off in space. I donrsquo;t know where to find you! No one around me knows where you are either. Are you dead? Did you get kidnapped? Why would you ever leave me?

I know i should have told you i love you. Irsquo;m sorry! I didnrsquo;t know you would leave me and i never thought irsquo;d be so lost and hurt without you. Irsquo;ve been desperately crying and taking so much medication. No one knows whatrsquo;s wrong with me. I keep pretending like irsquo;m fine and i want to forget it all. I want to forget that i ever had any feelings for you.

Maybe i hated you for the longest time. Maybe i knew why you left me but never wanted to face it because irsquo;d feel like i would hate myself. I think all along i thought i could keep going and that irsquo;d get somewhere where irsquo;d be so in love that i would forget you and prove to myself that i could be healed.

Now, i realize that i just need to stop and appreciate what i lost so i can find my way back to you. I promise irsquo;ll come back to you.

I love you.

Irsquo;m sitting here on my bed with my 3 year-old Apple Powerbook mdash; one of the old ones that has no Intel chip or Super Drive. Irsquo;ve forgotten how old Irsquo;ve become. I was in school with so much drive for social design. I must admit though, my drive made me super aggressive. Not very attractive. Is it?

Irsquo;m unemployed by choice at the moment.

Oh my! Unemployed? Thatrsquo;s such a disgrace to my education and my strive for being great. What a failure, right?

Sure. Why not call it a failure? Irsquo;m so tired of thinking that Irsquo;ve got the final answer and living up to my own super expectations. I havenrsquo;t been able to sleep well because of all this ldquo;designrdquo; thinking. The internet and my stupid laptop make it so easy for me to forget who I am. Irsquo;ve had so much of good and bad in my life and lost sense of what is important for my health and well-being.

I never wanted to save the world. I have no idea where it suddenly came from. Maybe because I was angry at everyone. As if I knew something that others didnrsquo;t and I would hide and pretend like I didnrsquo;t think I was better than everyone else. Maybe all I really wanted was a companion, to really get it, and do it with me; to save the world together and use the internet to spread it.

Irsquo;m lost.

Because after all that I have done, after standing up for what I believed was right, I admit that Irsquo;m a selfish girl and everyone else is selfish too, especially the ones that deny their selfishness.

I jumped into a neighbourhood and stood still for a year. I listened to everything. It was chaos. I began to see the design of a local community and how complicated and interconnected was. I realized that people all matter and every person thinks that they matter more. I started to see what ldquo;socialrdquo; really meant. And I just designed on my way. By design I mean doing things that I was capable of doing.

Irsquo;m not going to lie or brag, but Irsquo;m a social cat. I love talking to people mdash; from CEOs to the homeless. Itrsquo;s the most enjoyable thing for me and that was something I only realized after I got out of school. I was more than lost in school, I was free. I could do anything I wanted but knew that I had to figure out the ldquo;worldrdquo; part when I got out of school and I couldnrsquo;t waste any time. So speed became me and I hurt myself that way.

No regrets.

I realized that designing networks is all that matters. Networks = people. Connect people and yoursquo;ve done social design. And if you really are full of creativity, love and passion like myself, please practice it as an art. Just make art. I donrsquo;t know what your art is, but mine is poetry. I feel free when I do it. So, do something that will make you honor yourself. Put your heart out for the world to see. Donrsquo;t shove it down peoplersquo;s throat, donrsquo;t say yoursquo;re right, donrsquo;t make people feel like theyrsquo;re stupid and please donrsquo;t talk about how there is a final answer ldquo;somewhererdquo; out there. Make money to save yourself; make art to save the world. You have one life and people care about who you are if you care enough for yourself to craft something beautiful and share it.  Art is something you do for free, for yourself, for exploration, for discovery. Art is the universe in your voice. 

Who knows?

Maybe yoursquo;ll make lots of money with your art one day!

pushing for possession of name,

is a deadly sin sucking souls

like vacuuming stains of memory,

and pangs of lust

dusting the heart of a warrior

insecurity,

a defender of sadness

accuses success

to be the enemy of joy

mountains of laugh

pile in my chest with

instructions to stay under pity

so i can fall by will

by lesson

i dive in a prudent mystery

fearing 

the rush, whispers

knockings and poundings

on my bedroom door

determined 

to interrogate my dreams

and when will turns the knob

history ends

i run back to sleep

rhythm of temptation

sweetness of 

soul-sucking

heart-pounding

fist-clenching fantasy

magnets the metal door

i hear the silence of sleep

a dead universe

denying to be lived in

so i collect the beads

of rush, whispers

knocks and pounds,

thread a necklace

and walk naked

all for pride of history

to go to sleep 

knowing my body 

is nothing but a bead 

around the neck of time

everything will

come together

with chance

and choice

balanced

and designed

with integrity 

and hope

yes

we can

GOD and HUMAN

MOTHER and NATURE

CHICKEN and EGG

MAN and ROOSTER

INVENTOR and INNOVATION

canrsquo;t go backwards

LIFE is always forward

and equal.

be born

re-birth

revolution

sex

acceptance

Design. Oh design how I love you. I hate you so much because my love for you makes me hate myself. I love being a designer but I hate design. I love designing but I hate talking about it. I love talking but I hate people who talk so much. I hate designers but I love to master designing. I am a designer, I love people. I am a designer, I am people. I am passionate and violent, I make and destroy. I want to be a revolution. I am a designer, I am.

Crazy am I? 

A little girl who came to Toronto from Tehran, leaving her childhood in the land of fertility. Iran with my mother. Iran with my father. Iran with my brother. I just ran far away from everything, out to explore a new reality. 

I tried to define myself so many times. I fell in love easily. Not with boys. No, boys didnrsquo;t come into the picture until late in the game. I fell in love with the energy of joy. Joy was all I ever wanted, really. Am I any different from you for craving joy? It was my best friend and Irsquo;m sure you are best friends too.

First joy came into my life through the piano. Memorizing notes and completion free of mistakes was joy. I took lessons for a year and learnt all the notes. My teacher loved me and she said I was a great student. I started hating it though. I hated it so I beat myself knowing I wasnrsquo;t going to be the best at mastering piano. It made me mad. Others were better, I just wasnrsquo;t good enough.

So I left piano and found joy again through sport. It was the start of a very long and brutal relationship. We broke up many times. Joy wasnrsquo;t very nice to me, even though I visibly invested energy into joy over anything else. I gave my heart away for the joy of sport. I cried when winning, cried when losing. I would practice for joy. But I hated myself! I hated not being able to master it. I would try so hard but  got rejected so many times. Sport wanted it to work too but demanded too much from me. I felt like shit. I felt like I was trying hard and not getting mutual love in return - like as if he could never understand my love for him. I now think the reason for our breakup was because I wanted to master the sport over mastering the joy of the sport. Through my process of mastering, I killed my joy in sport. Others were better, I just wasnrsquo;t good enough. I broke my own heart.

The computer. Oh the joy of the computer was there for as long as I can remember. Commodore 64 in Iran was the favourite childhood toy. Gaming was joy. We came to Canada in 1996 and the computer became more embedded in our lives since my dad had always been ahead with computers and software. My brother and I had the advantage of being raised with computers. I still remember the dial-up days, with Yahoo Chat and ICQ. Not that many people in middle school were tech saavy back then. I still remember the computer labs very limited with their computers programs and barely any of them had access to internet. All-the-Right-Type was a speed-typing program that I will never forget. I had a joy for mastering that too. Type fast! Free of mistakes! That was joy.

What about art? Well drawing was fun. I liked drawing things. But hell no, I was by no means the best artist. I was decent but it didnrsquo;t give me deep joy and I never thought about doing any masterpieces. I didnrsquo;t draw for fun for that long. I forced myself to do it because I wanted to master it. I couldnrsquo;t. I wanted to draw from my imagination, but couldnrsquo;t. Someway or another, I ended up in a program that was starting in a middle school called CyberARTS. My grade 6 teachers recommended that I go there. So I got in. I think thatrsquo;s when my life began to take shape. I started dating art and computer fun, but I was still in love with the joy of sports.

From grade 7 to grade 12 (1998 - 2004), I continued getting to know computers and art. I was already in the pot to become a graphic designer. I had no choice, it picked me. Graphic software was fun for me to learn. It was a new language and I loved being given projects to work on using that language. I learnt so much about the life through the process of each project.

Writing? Well as you can see I enjoy doing it. Writing to me has always been the best way to express myself and articulate my thoughts. Writing was a joy for as long as I can remember. Did I ever dream of being a writer? Nope. Did I ever want to master writing? To some degree, but it didnrsquo;t bother me as much as my other mastering obsessions. I viewed it as a tool to be creative and expressive. It wasnrsquo;t until this past summer when I took a Creative Writing course (after OCAD told me I needed to take one last credit to graduate) that I confessed to myself I am a poet. Lillian Allen empowered me. She told me I had it. She said it to my face. I didnrsquo;t take my English teachers seriously in highschool when they would give me high marks and lots of comments on my writing. My grade 11 teacher used to go crazy over the poems I wrote in her class. I just never thought it was worth anything. I liked doing it for myself. It was my method of becoming my own teacher and mentor.

When the athlete in me died, I was dead. I knew I had to fall in love again. So I gave it all to graphic design. Irsquo;m free baby. Irsquo;m out to love you. I had 4 years of professional loving at Ontario Collage of Art amp; Design to master the joy of design. I did it, and quite well actually. I mastered the joy of design and Irsquo;d like to take this time to thank myself for mastering this joy. I could not have mastered this joy if I didnrsquo;t love myself. So I thank me for loving myself and staying in this relationship. I continue to call myself a professional graphic designer but I thank myself for realizing that I am by no means the best at anything. Because the only thing I am is me. And that is the story I just told you.

I am love.

I seek the joy of mastering design because I am Ghazaleh. I want to learn. I want to apply my learning and I like to use my brain. I donrsquo;t want to be the best at anything that confines me because I want to be free of order. I want to do what I want to do, when I want to do it. I learnt that being a graphic designer is a privilege so I used it to my advantage. I threw myself out to the world with it. Here I am world! I design!

I could have never learnt more about myself by letting go of what I thought was best for me. I broke up many many times. But I was me. I had only me, my two eyes, ears, and my gut. I went to Florida with it, Chicago, New York, UN headquarters and even the MIT and Harvard campuses, on my own two feet with my own money. I admitted that I had some things to figure out.

Here I am now. 2009. What can I tell you?

I am Ghazaleh, the girl you always knew mdash; doing what I want, designing from what I learn. Because design is beyond what you ever thought was real. Design is the process of mastering joy for people. So in order to master the joy of design, you have to design for people, constantly. Design is the ultimate creative force in each human being. Design means taking responsibility to make something that impacts those who interact with it. Whether its one person, a neighbourhood, or a nation, design is not an object - it is energy. Itrsquo;s not what you make but the people who it resides in. It is people.

Be a designer. Listen. Look. Think. Link. Plan. Dohellip;and never stop.

The fancier you think you are, the further away you drift from being a real designer. Stay true. Stay real. Find joy. Suck it up and fight for it. You have to be mean to win the grand prize. And winning the grand prize of mastering joy takes a lot of designing, even the grand prize itself.

i donrsquo;t waste my life trying to prove i am right.

i live my life doing what feels right.

What the hell is it? Who knows best? What is the best schooling?

School assignments give you something to do. If yoursquo;re not in school, no one will give you any assignments, so you have to make up your own assignments, and not too many people are good at that. So thatrsquo;s why school works. It puts you around people, yoursquo;re in a social setting, you make friends and you remember the recesses, lunch breaks, team practices and secret crushes. It gives you a reason to keep going and its manual is:

• listen to your teacher


• make your parents happy


• do your homework


• study


• get good marks


• and you will have a better life.

That was SO me baby! I loved school. It was awesome.

But then something kicked in. I grew up. I realized that it wasnrsquo;t school that I liked, it was the act of DOING. I was the one motivating myself. I was the one questioning things, reading things and getting stuff done. I was the one who was teaching myself. I was the one who beat myself, worried myself, stressed myself and hated myself. I was passionate and I didnrsquo;t know why I just couldnrsquo;t get to what I wanted. I pursued a creative arts program in grade 7 and thatrsquo;s when I discovered graphic design. It was fun! I liked computers and programs and it had no boundaries! I could teach myself as much as I wanted and the teacher had no control. So I kept teaching myself. At the age of 12, the computer became my toy. So much to explore! Graphic design was what kept me going in school, but what I really wanted was to be a super sports star.

That didnrsquo;t work out. So I chose an art school and studied graphic design mdash; why the hell not? It was easy and fun.

Then I started discovering that, um, I need a passion. I started seeing what graphic design for what it truly was and then I started hating it as ldquo;schoolrdquo;. Everyone was doing it. It wasnrsquo;t as fun as before. It was like everyone else was discovering it and the profession of it became dull for me.

Who am I? Why am I doing this?

School couldnrsquo;t answer that question because school has only one answer and the answer is: ldquo;itrsquo;s not my problem - you chose to go hererdquo;

So education became exploring myself.

And that really happened in my last year of school. From 0 to 21, it took me that many years to realize that education is freedom of expression, networking and collaboration.

I take full responsibility for thinking that way because I know who I am now.

I AM education baby. All I do is school me.

Who doesnrsquo;t want the world to be a better place?

I donrsquo;t know if I know anyone who doesnrsquo;t. And I also donrsquo;t believe that people enjoy seeing people suffer and die unless they disconnect themselves from reality and live in illusion.

Speaking of illusion, I think Time is an illusion. I donrsquo;t believe that it exists. Everyone knows that we live in the Now. But itrsquo;s not just Now that we can focus on. Our brains are much more complex than that and unless we live in the countryside, down in the valley or up on the mountains, life just ainrsquo;t all that simple as Now. What about doing things and getting things done without having any preconceived ideas of how long it will take? What about doing what your heart desires, what your brain connects, what your vision gravitates? What about all that energy inside you that you didnrsquo;t know existed until you saw that photo, that film, that book, that baby, that child, that boy, that girl, that woman, that man, that old man, that old lady, that store, that game, that dance, that song, that laughter, that smile?

Does any of that have anything to do with Time? 

Oh, I guess that boy, girl part does. 

So let me ask you: Are you old? Or are you young? Are you a baby, a child?

We watch our bodies develop and as they develop we start basing our actions on Time, because thatrsquo;s what our parents tell us, thatrsquo;s what the institutions tell us, the teachers tell us, the family tells us, the media tells us, the best friend tells us, the spouse tells us, the sibling tells us.

Let it go.

Time donrsquo;t exist baby.

You want to change the world - get to it. Follow your heart, feel the energy and use your brain. Love and power are determined by the number of people you touch. Grow your networks and together you are one.

If you are afraid (to do what you wanna do), yoursquo;ll never be happy. If you are brave (and do what you wanna do), yoursquo;ll be a leader. Itrsquo;s as simple as that.

Are you ready for the challenge? Or are you still afraid to change the/your world?

So now that Irsquo;ve revealed my disbelief in Time, I should at least make some sense of the theory of relativity and science in regards to this matter.

I donrsquo;t believe in perfection, absolutes or even words being the best way to define Nature. Nature is nature. Can nature talk, write, pay your bills, or tell you what you need to do to get a good paying job? No, I donrsquo;t think Nature had a clue that thatrsquo;s what humans cherished in life. Nature is God. I donrsquo;t care who you are or what you think. Nature is God. Itrsquo;s simple, Irsquo;ll say it again: Nature is God. All together now: ldquo;NATURE IS GOD.rdquo;

Good.

So now that we have that straight, why are we trying to define Nature through Science and God through Religion? Science and Religion are systems designed by humans to break apart Nature and God and make them more complex. I donrsquo;t blame us though - we are Humans. It is Human Nature to be inquisitive and since we have Nature in Human Nature, we are naturally responsive to our Body and Mind. Our Senses are what keep us alive and guide us to happiness.

It is Time to:

1. Follow your Senses through Body and Mind


2. Accept Nature as God


3. Experience the naturally inquisitive Human Nature respond to Nature

Assuming you could live a whole century and witness society develop decade by decade, at some point yoursquo;ll realize that you were always a child and no one listened to you, not even you. All you really wanted to do was play, and no one thought it was the right thing to do, especially the people who loved you dearly. So you didnrsquo;t even dare to, because it was Time that was holding you back. It was your fear of Time and everyone elsersquo;s proof of Time that stopped you. You started something, it didnrsquo;t go well, and you thought it wasnrsquo;t the right Time. So you beat yourself and cried inside. ldquo;No one gets what Irsquo;m trying to do!rdquo; You brushed it off and went back to being afraid.

Itrsquo;s time to let go of Time and let it only be determined by the impact of what you have done. You take it out of you, put it out there, and see what sticks and what doesnrsquo;t. You enjoy the stickies mdash; they can get you a little high. Sometimes they can get you too high and you might loose your head. The onersquo;s that didnrsquo;t stick are your friends too, and they came to fight for their right. You love the stickies so much that you may forget what was in you in the first place and what you were trying to do. But thatrsquo;s not Time! Thatrsquo;s learning by doing! Itrsquo;s called research, art, poetry, design, activism, development, growth mdash; itrsquo;s all of those things that are simply experienced. Itrsquo;s not slow, or fast, it just gets determined by how much you do and how many people you tag on the way.

Play tag. Itrsquo;s time to play tag!

Yoursquo;re It!

Why am I writing about this?

Hmmhellip;

Good question.

I believe birth and death are dependent on the title of this blog - the root of all problems. God is a woman, didnrsquo;t you know? If she was a man, then she couldnrsquo;t give birth to Eve. Doesnrsquo;t life have to be born? How else can it last?

Marriage, religion, porn, prostitution, power, violence hellip; why not put them all in one bar and call it chocolate because it tastes so sweet.

Who are you, brother? Who are you, sister?

Why are we growing in the gay and lesbian population? We all want to be like God, do we not? God, god, gOd, goD - which letter should I capitalize? Or should I spell it backwards and see if therersquo;s a trick to wiggle my tail to? Maybe Irsquo;ll add another ldquo;ordquo; and itrsquo;ll all be good.

Woman, why do you want to be a man of history? If you want to be a man of history, yoursquo;re no good sister. Woman, be a man of nature; a man of love. Woman, depending on where you are in the world right now, you have the title. I donrsquo;t blame you for thinking yoursquo;ve got to be the man because the man did you wrong, but I think yoursquo;re way too good for that - you are GOD: Good Old Daemon by virtue of love.

Woman I believe in you. Woman you are the mother of your son. Woman, let the fire of nature light your eyes, warm your heart and steam the curves on your body. Woman, save life, save your children, save your soul tonight.

June 2008 - Convocation Ceremony

I turn 22 tomorrow. I usually donrsquo;t tell people my age, but itrsquo;s revealed at some point and therersquo;s nothing I can really do about it. Age speaks for the time your body has physically existed but age and time in my eyes can only be measured through experience.

The experience of living the last two years of my life, has been deep, eventful, empowering and more specifically out of my control. Everything that has happened to me and I have done has taken on its own life. My maturity as a designer and an ambitious student has expanded my level of confidence to heights beyond limits, a life of its own.

I feel like Irsquo;ve been incubating for these 2 years with the desire to give birth to a creation of accumulated knowledge from sifting through information, running up and down hills and flying over the oceans and deserts. I feel like Irsquo;ve been waiting for so long to get to somewhere where I can stop and show where I am.

The reason I know this, is because I can finally let go. Without letting go, there is always worry, defense, pressure and a sense of failure always embedded in my head. This has caused me stress to the degree where my body has forgotten how to operate to fulfill itself and manage its own actions, without letting the actions control my body. I never let go. I kept wanting more and I always will.

My thesis became me. I wanted to make a revolution as a designer and so determined to do it. I didnrsquo;t really know what it looked like but I knew what it was supposed to feel like and finally I can say that Irsquo;m done. Irsquo;m done incubating because I can firmly say that I have lived it, revealed it and put it to the test for people to interact with. Its working and I know it will last. Irsquo;ve achieved my goal of reaching the destination I was heading for. Itrsquo;s time for me to enjoy it and let it move forward - the intense work is done. My thesis grew to a shared vision of people around me, and together we have made it an interactive design. Success is when others see potential in what you are doing and want to help you get there. Collective power is the only way ideas come to life.

more to comehellip;

Thatrsquo;s always been a motto Irsquo;ve wanted to go by but it seems like when yoursquo;re encouraged to take time and explore, especially in school, you can get lost in your travels and not know how to focus on one thing. Why focus on one thing whenhellip;actually I do focus on one thing and itrsquo;s called drive. I focus on the drive I have and not the location, or the weather but how to keep driving and viewing the sights Irsquo;ve never seen.

If I couldnrsquo;t focus, how could I know that I am finally here? I focused on what I knew and now I focus on what I know and the only thing I know is that what I know is what others donrsquo;t know and my priority right now is to communicate what I know so others know too. And then itrsquo;s in the hands of time.

Active I became.

I was concerned about everything! Everything started to matter to me. I got on the Student Union as the GD rep, and with that role I decided to do something. In a school with many communication and integration issues, I wanted to gather students together and run a workshop to address these issues and come up with ideas for improvement of the school. So I did it. I planned it, promoted it, gave speeches about it, organized it, structured it, and documented everything. I ran 5 sessions to gather enough content from students in all departments. I then took it to the Board of Governors and Sara Diamond, spoke up about it, and had it added as an appendix to the Strategic Plan of 2006-2012 that was at the stage of approval before my forums. I met a lot of people I had never met before through this process and learning took on a different meaning for me. Activism became a passion. Small things, planned out and structured and presented well with a purpose became my mission. Step by step, moving towards a vision.

OCAD offers a Mobility/Exchange in third year. There is a list of participating schools that you can choose from. I invested a lot of time into research and investigation of all my options. I then applied to 3 schools: RISD, Ringling and OTIS, and got accepted into Ringling (in Sarasota, Florida) for the Spring 2007 semester. My work at the 2006 AIDS Conference and my web design abilities enhanced my application. I was a perfect candidate to bring depth to a technical school.

The only class before my trip to Florida that stands out in my mind was with Gary Blakeley. Awesome British man. Great teacher, great projects. Very intelligent and supportive. I enjoyed all of his projects and his blunt, bold and upfront attitude with student work. I always had something to say. Ghazaleh always has something to say! War of Words, E-Life and Toronto Transit were all meaningful and practical projects for me. Graphic Design with depth, meaning and purpose - he always gave interesting and well prepared lectures that had me fall in love with Typography and become very sensitive to it. His daughter is going to be brilliant - I know it.

I flew down to Sarasota and stayed with the loving Sarah who I found on Craigslist for sharing a house, 3 minute bike-ride away from Ringling. I got my bike cheap, from a non-profit bike alliance. I biked everywhere. Ringling disciplined me. I produced a lot of work for my portfolio. I stood out - no doubt. The narrow mind-frame of ldquo;designrdquo; doesnrsquo;t cut it for me. I need meaning. I need leadership and I need open-minded thinking. Ringling was great because I needed to show my abilities as a designer and produce graphic design work that could differentiate me from others. Every project I did, I spent excessive hours in its making. I cannot produce work I am unsatisfied with. I got in touch with myself, nature, and obsessed with reaching for more.

Dave Mason came to Ringling to present the new identity of the school that SamataMason redesigned. He was from Canada too and he liked my work. So one thing led to the next and I ended up in Chicago as an intern for the summer after Ringling.

More biking, more photography, more blog writing. I went through a lot of stress at the internship with my fellow interns. It was hard to go through but again, I learnt a lot about teamwork and my strengths and weaknesses.

I was ready to take on 4th year with a thesis in mind a year in advance.

It was Ghazaleh time.

Done.

Graduated, screwed over, beaten-up, torn, burnt, lesson learnt, grown, explored, snored, my last resort.

It was OCAD that I attended with smiles on my face. It was OCAD that I chose between York/Sheridan Design program in 2004. It was OCAD because of its degree - its Bachelor in Design. I didnrsquo;t know what OCAD really was - I just listened to the experts in the field who said, ldquo;yea, for sure go to OCArdquo;. I just knew Graphic Design was something I was doing, good at and wanting to pursue. I entered OCAD.

I wanted to skip first year badly. I wanted to get out and go forward with Graphic Design. I knew I was going into the damn field. I did my internship at Compass360 in highschool. I had researched all of Toronto for the best graphic design firms. Top choice I remember was Concrete. I did my research long before my future classmates knew what graphic design was coming from highschool.

I got a little confused after first year. I realized I needed depth and I realized there was more to me than just Graphic Design. I needed excitement. I wanted cool stuff, fun stuff, fun people, activation, running, jumping, dancing. I wanted energy. It wasnrsquo;t my environment. I learnt a ton in first year. It was really great to go through classes that I went through. That drawing class that I got 60 in, that Interaction Design class that had us baking cookies; that Form amp; Structure that had me learn about Zaha Hadid; that Design Process class that made me think about the design of bathrooms and for the first time question where the waste from shoes went; that Colour amp; 2D class with the coolest assignments ever and one of the most interesting pieces I had ever made (writing numbers in 100 different languages) and Keith Rushtonrsquo;s class in 2D Communication that had my eyes popping out of their sockets and latched onto him for the rest of my years.

I then began to see.

the only mistake

is when you are not true

dance dance dance

all i wanna do is dance

forget about

the second chances

the romances

of fearful advances

i want to dance it off

so i forget

why i like music

m u    s i   c

letters

no word at my tongue

beat

not a message

sounds

not a song

just happy letting loose

at this moment

just for fun

itrsquo;s not what it seemed.

what is it then?

is it what is seen?

with my eyes,

is it what it feels?

or heals

my senses to the point

where itrsquo;s real?

or is it just a meal,

that tastes a piece of my mind

and swallows the waste

of my teeth chewing

the crunchiest conversation

in a self full esteem?

why is this happening?

i donrsquo;t know this,

i havenrsquo;t heard this

why is my mind right here

in this situation,

hearing revealing secrets?

i donrsquo;t know this person

why are we sharing?

who said itrsquo;s okay

to be hearing

this voice

at this moment of caring?

irsquo;m not here,

i was there

thatrsquo;s who i was

thatrsquo;s who was left

to be reflected

as myself

as my wealth

of stealth

in my image of health

itrsquo;s my skill

to be who i was,

when i knew

what i thought i knew 

i just listen to what

the sounds chose to do.

there are other ways of doing it.

just because you never thought about it,

doesnrsquo;t mean it wasnrsquo;t always there

the only problem

is the mistake of

presentation

with 

truth