http://mallamibro.tigblog.org/ What's on the minds of young leaders from around the globe? en-us http://mallamibro.tigblog.org/post/317477 TEASERS
Politics

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: Im the breadwinner of the family, so lets call me capitalism. Your Mom, shes the administrator of the money, so well call her the Government. Were here to take care of your needs, so well call you the people. The nanny, well consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, well call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nannys room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I thin k I Understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

Job Descriptions

1. A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

2. An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didnt happen today.

3. A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

4. An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.

5. A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didnt know you had in a way you dont understand.

6. A mathematician is like a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isnt there.

7. A topologist is a someone who doesnt know the difference between a coffee cup and doughnut.

8. A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief."

9. A psychologist is someone who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.

10. A professor is one who talks in someone elses sleep.

11. A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.

12. A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.



COMA


A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several
months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when
he finally woke, he motioned for her to come closer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You
have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were
there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got
shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"

"What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with
warmth.

"I think you're bad luck."

Confession

A man is on his deathbed, and his wife is sitting by his side.

The man says to the wife: "Hon, I have to tell you something."

The wife replies: "Yes, you can tell me anything."

Man: "I slept with your sister"

Wife: "I know"

Man: "And your mom"

Wife: "I know"

Man: "I also slept with your secretary, Mary"

The wife puts a finger to his mouth and says "I know, my darling, now just relax and let the poison work".



Stupid Questions

1. Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you undress?

2. If a person owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way down to the center of the earth?

3. Why cant woman put their mascara on with their mouth closed?

4. Why is it called alcoholics anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say
"hi, my names Bob. Im an alcoholic"?

5. If you mated a Bulldog with a Shitsu would you get a Bullshit?

6. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

7. Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer?

8. Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries
have a use by date?

9. Why do toasters always have a setting on them which burns your toast to a
horrible crisp no one would eat?

10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say "I think ill squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?

11. What do people in China call their good plates?

12. If the professor on Gilligans Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why cant he fix a hole in a boat?

13. Why does Goofy stand on two legs when Pluto remains on four? Theyre both dogs.

14. What do you call male ballerinas?

15. Can blind people see their dreams and do they dream?

16. If Wile E coyote has enough money to by all that Acme crap why doesnt he buy his dinner?

17. Why is a person who handles money called a broker?

18. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

19. If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables. What is baby oil made from?

20. If a man is walking in a forest and no women is there to hear him is he still wrong?

21. Why is it that when someone tells you that theres billions of stars in the universe,
you believe them. But if they tell you theres wet paint somewhere you have to touch it?

22. Why do you call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere, yet call it hemorrhoid when its in your ass?

23. Did you ever notice that if you blow in a dogs face it goes mad, yet when you take him on a car ride he sticks his head straight out the window?


THE WINNING JOKE


After much careful scrutiny, we (the Laughlab.com) are proud to announce our winning joke. This joke received higher ratings than any other gag.

Drum roll…..

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?"



The Husband Store!

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE !

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch . . .. you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband . .

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 4, 363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

Please send this to all men for a good laugh and to all the women who can handle the truth!

******************************************************

YOU HAVE TWO COWS....................

TRADITIONAL ECONOMICS
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies and the economy grows.
You retire on the income.

INDIAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You worship them.

PAKISTANI ECONOMICS
You don't have any cows.
You claim that the Indian cows belong to you.
You ask the US for financial aid, China for military
aid, British for Warplanes, Italy for machines,
Germany for technology,
French for submarines,
Switzerland for loans, Russia for drugs Japan for
equipment.
You buy the cows with all this and claim
exploitation by the world.

AMERICAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You sell one and force the other to produce the milk
of four cows.
You profess surprise when the cow drops dead.
You put the blame on some nation with cows
naturally that nation will be a danger to mankind.
you wage war to save the world and grab the cows.

FRENCH ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.

GERMAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You reengineer them so that they live for 100 years,
eat once a month and milk themselves.

BRAZILIAN COW
You have two cows.
Whenver they breed the third, you
arrange for soccer tournament and
the winning team gets it.

BRITISH ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
They are both mad cows.

ITALIAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.

JAMAICAN COW
You have two cows.
You feed them with the same weed
that you smoke. Listen to Reggae
music and wonder when the number will
turn to three

SWISS ECONOMICS
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.

JAPANESE ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You redesign them so that they are one-tenth the
size of an ordinary cow and
produce twenty times the milk.
You then create cute cartoon cow images called
Cowkimon and market them
worldwide.

RUSSIAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 17 cows.
You give up counting and open another bottle of
vodka.

CHINESE ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity
and arrest anyone reporting the actual numbers.


NIGERIAN ECONOMICS: {FEDERAL}
You have two cows
You eat one and claim it was stolen
Call in the Police to investigate
Police arrested everyone living within 100km
Torture them thoroughly until someone admitted
kidnapping the cow
The police instead collected one cow each from
everybody arrested
You have your cow back and the Police now owns a
cattle farm.
{TRIBES}

YORUBA ECONOMICS
You have two cows
U kill them both
And throw an owambe party!

IBO ECONOMICS
You have two cows
U make very good counterfeits of them
And sell for the price of the real cows!

HAUSA ECONOMICS
You have two cows
You rear them till they are four
Make sure ur kids rear cows too
And just maintain!


It's only a joke folks !


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*A man was out walking when he fell over the edge of a cliff. As he hurtled towards the ground, he just managed to hang on to a protruding tree branch. Staring down at a 200-foot drop to almost certain dearth, he cried out: “Help me, please! Is anybody up there?”
A deep voice came back: “Yes, my son, I am up here.”
“Who is it?” called the man.
“Its is the Lord.”
“Can you help me?”
“Certainly, my son. Just let go of the branch and I will catch you”
The man thought for a moment, then shouted: “Is anybody else up there?”
(This is an oldie but a goodie)

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued ... and won!

In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."

NOW FOR THE BEST PART....

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine

We dey too!

After digging to a depth of 100 meters last year, Russian scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had telephone network 1000 years ago.
So not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists dug 200 metres and headlines in the US papers read: "US scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibres, and concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the Russians."
One week later, the Nigerian newspapers reported the following: "After digging as deep as 500 metres, Nigerian scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using wireless!!

**************************************************************************

A TEASER - the NIGERIAN POLICE!
Forwarded by A.B.Barkindo

In an effort to determine the top crime fighting agency in Nigeria, The president narrowed the field to three finalists: the SSS, the Army, and the Nigerian Police force. The three contenders were given the task of catching a rabbit which was released into the forest. The SSS went into the forest. They placed animal informants throughout. They questioned all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigation they concluded that rabbits do not exist The Army went into the forest. After two weeks without a capture, they burned the forest killing everything in it, including the rabbit. They made no apologies. The rabbit deserved it. The Nigerian police went into the forest. They came out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear was yelling " Okay, Okay, I agree, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit". >---------------------------------
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Read About the The Queen, Clinton and Obasanjo!!

Queen Elizabeth, Bill Clinton Olusegun Obasanjo died went
straight to hell.

Queen Elizabeth said "I miss England; I want to call England and
see how everybody is doing there". She called and talked for about 5
minutes, and then she asked
"Well, Devil, how much do I owe you????
The devil says "Five million pounds". She wrote him a cheque and
went to sit back on her chair.

Bill Clinton was so jealous, he starts screaming, "My turn! I
wanna call the United States, I want to see how everybody is doing there
too. He called and talked for about 2 minutes, and then he asked
"Well, Devil, how much do I owe you????
The devil says "Ten million dollars".
With a smug look on his face, he made a cheque and went to sit back on
his chair.

Obasanjo was even more jealous starts screaming, me go call
Nigeria too jare, I go see how everybody is doing there too. I
go to talk to the ministers, to the deputies, to the PDP, everybody.....
He calls Nigeria and he talks for about twenty hours, he talked talked
talked, then he asked,
"Well, Devil, how much do I owe you????
The devil says "One dollar".
Obasanjo is stunned says "One dollar??? Only one freaking dollar??"
The Devil says "Well if you make a call from one hell to another hell,
it's local !

Ike Ofoche


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WRONG WIFE (be careful with your e-mails)

After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet
his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis.

They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together. Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix up at the boarding
gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain.

Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle's was cold. The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned. He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the e-mail address.

His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly preacher's wife whose even older husband had died only the day before! When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead. Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:

Dearest wife,

Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some
confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.

Your loving husband.

P.S. Things are not as we thought. You're going to be surprised
at how hot it is down here.


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At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with
technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00
cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon".

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be
driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy anew car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would
have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut
off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue.
For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your
car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to
reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable,
five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five
percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be
replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and
refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned
the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to
drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same
manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.


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Everyone needs this list to live by

The most destructive habit..............................Worry
The greatest Joy.............................................Giving
The greatest loss......................Loss of self-respect
>>
The most satisfying work....................Helping others
The ugliest personality trait....................Selfishness
The most endangered species........Dedicated leaders
Our greatest natural resource....................Our youth
The greatest "shot in the arm"........Encouragement
The greatest problem to overcome......................Fear
>>
The most effective sleeping pill.........Peace of mind
The most crippling failure disease................Excuses
The most powerful force in life..........................Love
>>
The most dangerous pariah......................A gossiper
The world's most incredible computer.......The brain
The worst thing to be without......................... Hope
>>
The deadliest weapon.............................The tongue
The two most power-filled words................."I Can"
The greatest asset.........................................Faith
>>
The most worthless emotion......................Self-pity
The most beautiful attire................................SMILE!
The most prized possession....................... Integrity
>>
The most powerful channel of communication.......Prayer
The most contagious spirit....................Enthusiasm


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Brainteaser

Suicide? Or Murder? Or Suicide?
At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS resident
Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a
bizarre death. Here is the story:


On March 23, 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald
Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. The
decedent had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide.

He left a note to that effect indicating his despondency. As he fell
past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing
through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the
decedent was aware that a safety net had been installed just below at the
eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus
would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.

Ordinarily, Dr. Mills continued, "a person who sets out to commit
suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be
what he intended" is still defined as committing suicide. Mr. Opus was shot
on the way to certain death nine stories below at street level, but his
suicide attempt probably would not have been successful because of the
safety net. This caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide
on his hands.

The room on the ninth floor from whence the shotgun blast emanated
was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously,
and he was threatening her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that when
he pulled the trigger he completely missed his wife and the pellets went
through the window striking Mr. Opus.

When one intends to kill subject A, but kills subject B in the
attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with the
murder charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant. They both said
they thought the shotgun was unloaded. The old man said it was his long
standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no
intention to murder her. Therefore the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be
an accident, that is, the gun had been accidentally loaded.

The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old
couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal
accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial
support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the
shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father
would shoot his mother.

The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.

Now comes the exquisite twist.

Further investigation revealed that the son was in fact Ronald Opus.
He had become increasingly despondent over both the loss of his financial
support and the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder.
This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23rd, only to be shot by his father.




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Ahuwa’s Interview

Ahuwa was short listed for interview for the position of secretary in a company. She was the last candidate in a long list and the Manager was tired. When he saw her he did not like her but decided to still go ahead with the interview. It proceeded as follows.

After asking her to sit down she was asked to make a sentence with the following colours. Pink, green, yellow, black, purple and white. She hesitated for a second and then started. When I get this job and the phone rings green, green, green, I will pink it and say yellow. White are you saying? You are purpley disturbing. Please don’t call black. Upon hearing that, the manager collapsed and passed out.
-------------
From Ameena Abbas, Minna.Nigeria.

ameena.isah@lycos.co.uk



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THIS IS WHAT A GUY WROTE TO A SYSTEM ANALYST;
Dear Systems Department,
I am desperate for some help!
I recently upgraded my program from Girlfriend 7.0 to
Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began
unexpected child Processing and also took up a lot of
space and valuable resources.
This wasn't mentioned in the product brochure. In
addition Wife 1.0 Installs itself into all other
programs and launches during systems Initialization
and then it monitors all other system
activities.
Applications such as "Boys' Night out 2.5" and "Golf
5.3" no longer Run, and crashes the system whenever
selected. Attempting to operate Selected "Saturday
Rugby 6.3" always fails and "Saturday Shopping 7.1"
runs instead.
I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background
whilst attempting to run any of my favourite
applications. Be it online or offline.
I am thinking of going back to "Girlfriend7.0", but
uninstall doesn't work on this program.
Can you please help?
...... AND THIS WHAT THE ANALYST SAID;
Dear Customer,
This is a very common problem resulting from a basic
misunderstanding of the functions of the "wife1.0
"program. Many customers upgrade from "Girlfriend 7.0"
to "Wife 1.0 " thinking that "Wife 1.0" is merely a
UTILITY AND ENTERTAINMENT PROGRAM.
Actually, "Wife 1.0 " is an OPERATING SYSTEM designed
by it's Creator to Run everything.
You are unlikely to be able to purge "Wife 1.0 "and
still convert back to "Girlfriend 7.0 ", as "Wife 1.0
" was not designed to do this and it is Impossible to
uninstall, delete or purge the program files from the
System once it is installed. Some people have tried to
install "Girlfriend 8.0 "or
"Wife 2.0 " but have ended up with even more
problems. (See manual under Alimony/Child Support and
Solicitors' Fees).
Having " Wife 1.0 " installed, I recommend you keep it
installed And deal with the difficulties as best as
you can. When any faults or problems Occur, whatever
you think has caused them, you must run the
C:APOLOGIZEFORGIVE ME Program and avoid attempting
to use the *Esc-Key for it will freeze the entire
system.
It may be necessary to run C:APOLOGIZEFORGIVE ME
for a number of times, and eventually hope that the
operating system will return to normal.
"Wife 1.0 ", although a very high maintenance program,
can be very rewarding. To get the most out of it,
consider buying additional Software such as "Flowers
2.0" and "Chocolates 5.0" or "HUGSKISSES 600.0" or
"TENDERNESS UNDERSTANDING 1000.0", or even "Eating
Out Without the Kids 7.2.1" (if child processing has
already started).
DO NOT under any circumstances install "Secretary 2.1"
(Short Skirt Version) or "One Nightstand 3.2" (Any
Mood Version), as this is not a supported Application
for "Wife 1.0 "and the system will almost certainly
CRASH.
BEST OF LUCK!
Your Systems Analyst,

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1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?

2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

3. There are two plastic jugs filled with water. How could you put all of this water into a barrel, without using the jugs or any dividers, and still tell which water came from which jug?

4. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?

5. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?

6. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it? It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it! In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out! Try to do so without any coaching!
send your answer to
the mallamibro@gmail.com


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God Bless Blondes at Football Games
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football (American not Soccer)game. They had great
seats right behind the bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked
the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she said, "especially the really
tight pants and all of the big muscles, but I just couldn't
understand why
they were killing each other for 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What on earth do you mean?"
"Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of
the game, all they kept screaming was: "Get the quarter back!


Ponderables

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic wins lottery"?

Why is it that to stop windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavors and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the time of day with slowest traffic called the rush hour?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?


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A letter from an Indian mother to her daughter

My dear Jagjit,

I am in a well here and hoping you are also in a well there. I'm writing
this letter slowly because I know you cannot read fast. We don't live where
we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most
accidents happen 20 miles from home, so we moved 20 miles. I won't be able
to send the address as the last Sardar who stayed here took the house
numbers with them for their new house so they would not have to change their
address. Hopefully by next week we will be able to take our earlier address
plate here, so that our address will remain same too.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine, situated right
above the toilet. I'm not sure it works too well. Last week I put in 3
shirts, pulled the chain and haven't seen them since. The weather here isn't
too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first time it rained for 3 days
and second time for 4 days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt
said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the metal
buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket. Your father has
another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass at the
cemetery.

By the way I took Bahu to our club's poolside. The manager is Badmash. He
told her that two-piece swimming suit is not allowed in his club. We were
confused as to which piece should we remove? Your sister had a baby this
morning. I haven't found out whether it
is a girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle. Your
uncle Jetinder fell in the nearby well. Some men tried to pull him out, but
he fought them off bravely and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for
three days.

Your best friend, Balwinder, is no more. He died trying to fulfill his
father's last wishes. His father had wished to be buried in the sea after he
died. And your friend died while in the process of digging a grave for his
father.

There isn't much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love Mom.

PS: Jagjit, I was going to send you some money but by the time I realised,
I had already sealed off this letter.




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Joke of the Day


Ok 3 guys are looking for a place to stay so they find this motel... when they get in the clerk says there's one room left but he's not sure how much it costs and the men will have to wait for the manager to get back.... the clerk then says or you guys could leave 30 dollars here with me and either I'll bring back change or I'll come collect the rest in the morning.
The 3 guys leave 10 dollars each.......the manager comes and the room turns out to be 25 dollars so the manager gives the clerk 5 dollars to return to the 3 guys, the clerk then says but there's 3 guys how should I split it and the manager said well give each guy a dollar and keep 2 for yourself.

NOW!.....each guy spent 10 dollars, but got one back...which means they spent 9 dollars each, so 9x3=27 so the 27 dollars the guys spent plus the 2 the clerk kept equals 29 but the guys left 30....so where's the other dollar?

email your answer to the mallamibro@gmail.com




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Joke of the Day


The Magician

There was this magician on a ship performing every night. Not noticing, the captain's parrot watches him every night as he performs the same tricks. After watching him, the parrot finds out how he does it and started to tell the audience.

After the parrot told the audience, the ship hit an iceberg and started to sink. Everyone ran to the life boats. It so happened that the magician went overboard and managed to hold on to a flat piece of board that the parrot was on. After three days of staring at each other the parrot finally says, "Ok, what did you do with the ship?"

This joke submitted by: Lionhart724




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Joke of the Day

One fine June day a snake met his old friend, the skunk, in the forest. "How are you doing?" asked the skunk. "I haven't seen you in a long time."

"All right, I guess," the snake replied, "except that I can hardly see. I'm going to get contact lenses."

The snake did just that, several days later he met up with the skunk again.

"Not only can I see perfectly now," he told his friend, "but my love life's improved."

"How can contact lenses improve your love life?"

"Simple," said the snake. "I just found out I've been living with a garden hose."

This joke submitted by: SallyBSunshine


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1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

3. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

4. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.

5. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.

6. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.

7. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.

8. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaners. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

9. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.

10. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.

11. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.

12. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.

13. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."

14. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.

15. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.

16. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," and if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to- butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.

17. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record as saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.

18. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.

19. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.

20. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.

21. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"

22. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.

23. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.

24. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

25. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.

26. Men forget everything; women remember everything.

27. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.

Woman Author Unknown


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Back Up?

Computer user on the phone to Technical Support:

"My files are gone! The hard drive crashed! What should I do!"

Technical Support:

"Did you back up?"

Computer user sincerely alarmed:

"Why? Is my computer going to blow up?"


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Break In!

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant.

"No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"


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No Parking Zone !

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."


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The Mexican Border !

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He has two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"

"Sand," answered Juan.

The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike."

The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"

"Sand," says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.

"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

Juan sips his drink and says, "Bicycles."

]]> Tue, 25 Dec 2007 11:37:00 EST http://mallamibro.tigblog.org/post/317477 11.9963889 8.516666711.99638898.5166667 http://mallamibro.tigblog.org/post/283871 Volume 8, Book 73, Number 1:
Narrated Al-Walid bin 'Aizar:
I heard Abi Amr 'Ash-Shaibani saying, "The owner of this house." he pointed to 'Abdullah's house, "said, 'I asked the Prophet 'Which deed is loved most by Allah?" He replied, 'To offer prayers at their early (very first) stated times.' " 'Abdullah asked, "What is the next (in goodness)?" The Prophet said, "To be good and dutiful to one's parents," 'Abdullah asked, "What is the next (in goodness)?" The Prophet said, To participate in Jihad for Allah's Cause." 'Abdullah added, "The Prophet narrated to me these three things, and if I had asked more, he would have told me more."

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 2:
Narrated Abu Huraira:
A man came to Allah's Apostle and said, "O Allah's Apostle! Who is more entitled to be treated with the best companionship by me?" The Prophet said, "Your mother." The man said. "Who is next?" The Prophet said, "Your mother." The man further said, "Who is next?" The Prophet said, "Your mother." The man asked for the fourth time, "Who is next?" The Prophet said, "Your father. "

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 3:
Narrated 'Abdullah bin 'Amr:
A man said to the Prophet, "Shall I participate in Jihad?" The Prophet said, "Are your parents living?" The man said, "Yes." the Prophet said, "Do Jihad for their benefit."

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 4:
Narrated 'Abdullah bin 'Amr:
Allah's Apostle said. "It is one of the greatest sins that a man should curse his parents." It was asked (by the people), "O Allah's Apostle! How does a man curse his parents?" The Prophet said, "'The man abuses the father of another man and the latter abuses the father of the former and abuses his mother."

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 5:
Narrated Ibn 'Umar:
Allah's Apostle said, "While three persons were traveling, they were overtaken by rain and they took shelter in a cave in a mountain. A big rock fell from the mountain over the mouth of the cave and blocked it. They said to each other. 'Think of such good (righteous) deeds which, you did for Allah's sake only, and invoke Allah by giving reference to those deeds so that Allah may relieve you from your difficulty. one of them said, 'O Allah! I had my parents who were very old and I had small children for whose sake I used to work as a shepherd. When I returned to them at night and milked (the sheep), I used to start giving the milk to my parents first before giving to my children. And one day I went far away in search of a grazing place (for my sheep), and didn't return home till late at night and found that my parents had slept. I milked (my livestock) as usual and brought the milk vessel and stood at their heads, and I disliked to wake them up from their sleep, and I also disliked to give the milk to my children before my parents though my children were crying (from hunger) at my feet.
So this state of mine and theirs continued till the day dawned. (O Allah!) If you considered that I had done that only for seeking Your pleasure, then please let there be an opening through which we can see the sky.' So Allah made for them an opening through which they could see the sky. Then the second person said, 'O Allah! I had a she-cousin whom I loved as much as a passionate man love a woman. I tried to seduce her but she refused till I paid her one-hundred Dinars So I worked hard till I collected one hundred Dinars and went to her with that But when I sat in between her legs (to have sexual intercourse with her), she said, 'O Allah's slave! Be afraid of Allah ! Do not deflower me except legally (by marriage contract). So I left her O Allah! If you considered that I had done that only for seeking Your pleasure then please let the rock move a little to have a (wider) opening.'
So Allah shifted that rock to make the opening wider for them. And the last (third) person said 'O Allah ! I employed a laborer for wages equal to a Faraq (a certain measure: of rice, and when he had finished his job he demanded his wages, but when I presented his due to him, he gave it up and refused to take it. Then I kept on sowing that rice for him (several times) till managed to buy with the price of the yield, some cows and their shepherd Later on the laborer came to me an said. '(O Allah's slave!) Be afraid o Allah, and do not be unjust to me an give me my due.' I said (to him). 'Go and take those cows and their shepherd. So he took them and went away. (So, O Allah!) If You considered that I had done that for seeking Your pleasure, then please remove the remaining part of the rock.' And so Allah released them (from their difficulty)."

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 6:
Narrated Al-Mughira:
The Prophet said, "Allah has forbidden you ( 1 ) to be undutiful to your mothers (2) to withhold (what you should give) or (3) demand (what you do not deserve), and (4) to bury your daughters alive. And Allah has disliked that (A) you talk too much about others ( B), ask too many questions (in religion), or (C) waste your property."

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 7:
Narrated Abu Bakra:
Allah's Apostle said thrice, "Shall I not inform you of the biggest of the great sins?" We said, "Yes, O Allah's Apostle" He said, "To join partners in worship with Allah: to be undutiful to one's parents." The Prophet sat up after he had been reclining and added, "And I warn you against giving forged statement and a false witness; I warn you against giving a forged statement and a false witness." The Prophet kept on saying that warning till we thought that he would not stop.

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 8:
Narrated Anas bin Malik:
Allah's Apostle mentioned the greatest sins or he was asked about the greatest sins. He said, "To join partners in worship with Allah; to kill a soul which Allah has forbidden to kill; and to be undutiful or unkind to one's parents." The Prophet added, "Shall I inform you of the biggest of the great sins? That is the forged statement or the false witness." Shu'ba (the sub-narrator) states that most probably the Prophet said, "the false witness."

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 9:
Narrated Asma' bint Abu Bakr:
My mother came to me, hoping (for my favor) during the lifetime of the Prophet asked the Prophet, "May I treat her kindly?" He replied, "Yes." Ibn 'Uyaina said, "Then Allah revealed: 'Allah forbids you not with regards to those who fought not against you because of religion, and drove you not out from your homes, that you should show them kindness and deal justly with them.'.......(60.8)

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 10:
Narrated Abu Sufyan:
That Heraclius sent for him and said, "What did he, i.e. the Prophet order you?" I replied, "He orders us to offer prayers; to give alms; to be chaste; and to keep good relations with our relatives.

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 11:
Narrated Ibn 'Umar:
My father, seeing a silken cloak being sold, said, "O Allah's Apostle! Buy this and wear it on Fridays and when the foreign delegates pay a visit to you." He said, "This is worn only by that person who will have no share in the Hereafter." Later a few silken cloaks were given to the Prophet as a gift, and he sent one of those cloaks to 'Umar. 'Umar said (to the Prophet), "How can I wear it while you have said about it what you said?" The Prophet said, "I did not give it to you to wear but to sell or to give to someone else to wear." So 'Umar sent it to his (pagan) brother who was from the inhabitants of Mecca before he ('Umar's brother) embraced Islam.

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 12:
Narrated Abu Aiyub Al-Ansari:
A man said, "O Allah's Apostle! Inform me of a deed which will make me enter Paradise." The people said, "What is the matter with him? What is the matter with him?" Allah's Apostle said, "He has something to ask (what he needs greatly)." The Prophet said (to him), (In order to enter Paradise) you should worship Allah and join none in worship with Him: You should offer prayers perfectly, give obligatory charity (Zakat), and keep good relations with your Kith and kin." He then said, "Leave it!" (The sub-narrator said, "It seems that the Prophet was riding his she camel."

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 13:
Narrated Jubair bin Mut'im:
That he heard the Prophet saying, "The person who severs the bond of kinship will not enter Paradise."

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 14:
Narrated Abu Huraira:
I heard Allah's Apostle saying, "Who ever is pleased that he be granted more wealth and that his lease of life be pro longed, then he should keep good relations with his Kith and kin."

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 15:
Narrated Anas bin Malik:
Allah 's Apostle said, "Whoever loves that he be granted more wealth and that his lease of life be prolonged then he should keep good relations with his Kith and kin."

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 16:
Narrated Abu Huraira:
The Prophet said, "Allah created the creations, and when He finished from His creations, Ar-Rahm i.e., womb said, "(O Allah) at this place I seek refuge with You from all those who sever me (i.e. sever the ties of Kith and kin). Allah said, 'Yes, won't you be pleased that I will keep good relations with the one who will keep good relations with you, and I will sever the relation with the one who will sever the relations with you.' It said, 'Yes, O my Lord.' Allah said, 'Then that is for you ' " Allah's Apostle added. "Read (in the Qur'an) if you wish, the Statement of Allah: 'Would you then, if you were given the authority, do mischief in the land and sever your ties of kinship?' (47.22)

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 17:
Narrated Abu Huraira:
The Prophet said, "The word 'Ar-Rahm (womb) derives its name from Ar-Rahman (i.e., one of the names of Allah) and Allah said: 'I will keep good relation with the one who will keep good relation with you, (womb i.e. Kith and Kin) and sever the relation with him who will sever the relation with you, (womb, i.e. Kith and Kin).

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 18:
Narrated 'Aisha:
(the wife of the Prophet) The Prophet said, "The word 'Ar-Rahm' (womb) derives its name from 'Ar-Rahman' (i.e. Allah). So whosoever keeps good relations with it (womb i.e. Kith and kin), Allah will keep good relations with him, and whosoever will sever it (i.e. severs his bonds of Kith and kin) Allah too will sever His relations with him.

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 19:
Narrated 'Amr bin Al-'As:
I heard the Prophet saying openly not secretly, "The family of Abu so-and-so (i.e. Talib) are not among my protectors." 'Amr said that there was a blank space (1) in the Book of Muhammad bin Ja'far. He added, "My Protector is Allah and the righteous believing people." 'Amr bin Al-'As added: I heard the Prophet saying, 'But they (that family) have kinship (Rahm) with me and I will be good and dutiful to them. "

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 20:
Narrated Abdullah bin 'Amr:
The Prophet said, "Al-Wasil is not the one who recompenses the good done to him by his relatives, but Al-Wasil is the one who keeps good relations with those relatives who had severed the bond of kinship with him."

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 21:
Narrated Hakim bin Hizam:
That he said, "O Allah's Apostle! What do you think about my good deeds which I used to do during the period of ignorance (before embracing Islam) like keeping good relations with my Kith and kin, manumitting of slaves and giving alms etc; Shall I receive the reward for that?" Allah's Apostle said, "You have embraced Islam with all those good deeds which you did.

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 22:
Narrated Sa'id:
Um Khalid bint Khalid bin Said said, "I came to Allah's Apostle along with my father and I was wearing a yellow shirt. Allah's Apostle said, "Sanah Sanah!" ('Abdullah, the sub-narrator said, "It means, 'Nice, nice!' in the Ethiopian language.") Um Khalid added, "Then I started playing with the seal of Prophethood. My father admonished me. But Allah's Apostle said (to my father), "Leave her," Allah's Apostle (then addressing me) said, "May you live so long that your dress gets worn out, and you will mend it many times, and then wear another till it gets worn out (i.e. May Allah prolong your life)." (The sub-narrator, 'Abdullah aid, "That garment (which she was wearing remained usable for a long

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 23:
Narrated Ibn Abi Na'm:
-smelling flowers in this world."

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 24:
Narrated 'Aisha:
(the wife of the Prophet) A lady along with her two daughters came to me asking me (for some alms), but she found nothing with me except one date which I gave to her and she divided it between her two daughters, and then she got up and went away. Then the Prophet came in and I informed him about this story. He said, "Whoever is in charge of (put to test by) these daughters and treats them generously, then they will act as a shield for him from the (Hell) Fire."

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 25:
Narrated Abu Qatada:
The Prophet came out towards us, while carrying Umamah, the daughter of Abi Al-As (his grand-daughter) over his shoulder. He prayed, and when he wanted to bow, he put her down, and when he stood up, he lifted her up.

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 26:
Narrated Abu Huraira:
Allah's Apostle kissed Al-Hasan bin Ali while Al-Aqra' bin Habis At-Tamim was sitting beside him. Al-Aqra said, "I have ten children and I have never kissed anyone of them," Allah's Apostle cast a look at him and said, "Whoever is not merciful to others will not be treated mercifully."

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 27:
Narrated 'Aisha:
A bedouin came to the Prophet and said, "You (people) kiss the boys! We don't kiss them." The Prophet said, "I cannot put mercy in your heart after Allah has taken it away from it."

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 28:
Narrated 'Umar bin Al-Khattab:
Some Sabi (i.e. war prisoners, children and woman only) were brought before the Prophet and behold, a woman amongst them was milking her breasts to feed and whenever she found a child amongst the captives, she took it over her chest and nursed it (she had lost her child but later she found him) the Prophet said to us, "Do you think that this lady can throw her son in the fire?" We replied, "No, if she has the power not to throw it (in the fire)." The Prophet then said, "Allah is more merciful to His slaves than this lady to her son."

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 29:
Narrated Abu Huraira:
I heard Allah's Apostle saying, Allah divided Mercy into one-hundred parts and He kept its ninety-nine parts with Him and sent down its one part on the earth, and because of that, its one single part, His creations are Merciful to each other, so that even the mare lifts up its hoofs away from its baby animal, lest it should trample on it."

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 30:
Narrated 'Abdullah:
I said 'O Allah's Apostle! Which sin is the greatest?" He said, "To set up a rival unto Allah, though He Alone created you." I said, "What next?" He said, "To kill your son lest he should share your food with you." I further asked, "What next?" He said, "To commit illegal sexual intercourse with the wife of your neighbor." And then Allah revealed as proof of the statement of the Prophet: 'Those who invoke not with Allah any other god)................. (to end of verse)...' (25.68)

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 31:
Narrated 'Aisha:
The Prophet took a child in his lap for Tahnik (i.e. he chewed a date in his mouth and put its juice in the mouth of the child). The child urinated on him, so he asked for water and poured it over the place of the urine.

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 32:
Narrated Usama bin Zaid:
Allah's Apostle used to put me on (one of) his thighs and put Al-Hasan bin 'Ali on his other thigh, and then embrace us and say, "O Allah! Please be Merciful to them, as I am merciful to them. "

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 33:
Narrated 'Aisha:
I never felt so jealous of any woman as I did of Khadija, though she had died three years before the Prophet married me, and that was because I heard him mentioning her too often, and because his Lord had ordered him to give her the glad tidings that she would have a palace in Paradise, made of Qasab and because he used to slaughter a sheep and distribute its meat among her friends.

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 34:
Narrated Sahl bin Sa'd:
The Prophet said, "I and the person who looks after an orphan and provides for him, will be in Paradise like this," putting his index and middle fingers together.

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 35:
Narrated Safwan bin Salim:
The Prophet said "The one who looks after and works for a widow and for a poor person, is like a warrior fighting for Allah's Cause or like a person who fasts during the day and prays all the night." Narrated Abu Huraira that the Prophet said as above.

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 36:
Narrated Abu Huraira:
Allah's Apostle said, "The one who looks after and works for a widow and for a poor person is like a warrior fighting for Allah's Cause." (The narrator Al-Qa'nabi is not sure whether he also said "Like the one who prays all the night without slackness and fasts continuously and never breaks his fast.")

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 37:
Narrated Abu Sulaiman and Malik bin Huwairith:
We came to the Prophet and we were (a few) young men of approximately equal age and stayed with him for twenty nights. Then he thought that we were anxious for our families, and he asked us whom we had left behind to look after our families, and we told him. He was kindhearted and merciful, so he said, "Return to your families and teach them (religious knowledge) and order them (to do good deeds) and offer your prayers in the way you saw me offering my prayers, and when the stated time for the prayer becomes due, then one of you should pronounce its call (i.e. the Adhan), and the eldest of you should lead you in prayer.

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 38:
Narrated Abu Huraira:
Allah's Apostle said, "While a man was walking on a road. he became very thirsty. Then he came across a well, got down into it, drank (of its water) and then came out. Meanwhile he saw a dog panting and licking mud because of excessive thirst. The man said to himself "This dog is suffering from the same state of thirst as I did." So he went down the well (again) and filled his shoe (with water) and held it in his mouth and watered the dog. Allah thanked him for that deed and forgave him." The people asked, "O Allah's Apostle! Is there a reward for us in serving the animals?" He said, "(Yes) There is a reward for serving any animate (living being) ."

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 39:
Narrated Abu Huraira:
Allah's Apostle stood up for the prayer and we too stood up along with him. Then a bedouin shouted while offering prayer. "O Allah! Bestow Your Mercy on me and Muhammad only and do not bestow it on anybody else along with us." When the Prophet had finished his prayer with Taslim, he said to the Bedouin, "You have limited (narrowed) a very vast (thing)," meaning Allah's Mercy.

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 40:
Narrated An-Nu'man bin Bashir:
Allah's Apostle said, "You see the believers as regards their being merciful among themselves and showing love among themselves and being kind, resembling one body, so that, if any part of the body is not well then the whole body shares the sleeplessness (insomnia) and fever with it."

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 41:
Narrated Anas bin Malik:
The Prophet said, "If any Muslim plants any plant and a human being or an animal eats of it, he will be rewarded as if he had given that much in charity."

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 42:
Narrated Jarir bin 'Abdullah:
The Prophet said, "He who is not merciful to others, will not be treated mercifully.

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 43:
Narrated 'Aisha:
The Prophet said "Gabriel continued to recommend me about treating the neighbors Kindly and politely so much so that I thought he would order me to make them as my heirs.

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 44:
Narrates Ibn Umar:
Allah' Apostle said, Gabriel kept on recommending me about treating the neighbors in a kind and polite manner, so much so that I thought that he would order (me) to make them (my) heirs."

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 45:
Narrated Abu Shuraih:
The Prophet said, "By Allah, he does not believe! By Allah, he does not believe! By Allah, he does not believe!" It was said, "Who is that, O Allah's Apostle?" He said, "That person whose neighbor does not feel safe from his evil."

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 46:
Narrated Abu Huraira:
The Prophet used to say, "O Muslim ladies! A neighbouress should not look down upon the present of her neighbouress even it were the hooves of a sheep."

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 47:
Narrated Abu Huraira:
Allah's Apostle said, "Anybody who believes in Allah and the Last Day should not harm his neighbor, and anybody who believes in Allah and the Last Day should entertain his guest generously and anybody who believes in Allah and the Last Day should talk what is good or keep quiet. (i.e. abstain from all kinds of evil and dirty talk).

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 48:
Narrated Abu Shuraih Al-Adawi:
My ears heard and my eyes saw the Prophet when he spoke, "Anybody who believes in Allah and the Last Day, should serve his neighbor generously, and anybody who believes in Allah and the Last Day should serve his guest generously by giving him his reward." It was asked. "What is his reward, O Allah's Apostle?" He said, "(To be entertained generously) for a day and a night with high quality of food and the guest has the right to be entertained for three days (with ordinary food) and if he stays longer, what he will be provided with will be regarded as Sadaqa (a charitable gift). And anybody who believes in Allah and the Last Day should talk what is good or keep quite (i.e. abstain from all kinds of dirty and evil talks)."

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 49:
Narrated 'Aisha:
I said, "O Allah's Apostle! I have two neighbors! To whom shall I send my gifts?" He said, "To the one whose gate in nearer to you."

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 50:
Narrated Jabir bin 'Abdullah:
The Prophet said, Enjoining, all that is good is a Sadaqa."

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 51:
Narrated Abu Musa Al-Ash'ari:
The Prophet said, "On every Muslim there is enjoined (a compulsory) Sadaqa (alms)." They (the people) said, "If one has nothing?' He said, "He should work with his hands so that he may benefit himself and give in charity." They said, "If he cannot work or does not work?" He said, "Then he should help the oppressed unhappy person (by word or action or both)." They said, "If he does not do it?" He said, "Then he should enjoin what is good (or said what is reasonable).' They said, "If he does not do that''' He said, "Then he should refrain from doing evil, for that will be considered for Him as a Sadaqa (charity) . "

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 52:
Narrated 'Adi bin Hatim:
The Prophet mentioned the (Hell) Fire and sought refuge (with Allah) from it, and turned his face to the other side. He mentioned the (Hell) Fire again and took refuge (with Allah) from it and turned his face to the other side. (Shu'ba, the sub-narrator, said, "I have no doubt that the Prophet repeated it twice.") The Prophet then said, "(O people!) Save yourselves from the (Hell) Fire even if with one half of a date fruit (given in charity), and if this is not available, then (save yourselves) by saying a good pleasant friendly word."

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 53:
Narrated 'Aisha:
(the wife of the Prophet) A group of Jews entered upon the Prophet and said, "As-Samu-Alaikum." (i.e. death be upon you). I understood it and said, "Wa-Alaikum As-Samu wal-la'n. (death and the curse of Allah be Upon you)." Allah's Apostle said "Be calm, O 'Aisha! Allah loves that on, should be kind and lenient in all matters." I said, "O Allah's Apostle! Haven't you heard what they (the Jews) have said?" Allah's Apostle said "I have (already) said (to them) "And upon you ! "

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 54:
Narrated Anas bin Malik:
A bedouin urinated in the mosque and the people ran to (beat) him. Allah's Apostle said, "Do not interrupt his urination (i.e. let him finish)." Then the Prophet asked for a tumbler of water and poured the water over the place of urine.

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 55:
Narrated Abu Musa:
The Prophet said, "A believer to another believer is like a building whose different parts enforce each other." The Prophet then clasped his hands with the fingers interlaced. (At that time) the Prophet was sitting and a man came and begged or asked for something. The Prophet faced us and said, "Help and recommend him and you will receive the reward for it, and Allah will bring about what He will through His Prophet's tongue."

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 56o:
Narrated Abu Musa:
Whenever a beggar or a person in need came to the Prophet, the Prophet would say "Help and recommend him and you will receive the reward for it, and Allah will bring about what he will through His Prophet's tongue

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 56:
Narrated Masruq:
Abdullah bin 'Amr mentioned Allah's Apostle saying that he was neither a Fahish nor a Mutafahish. Abdullah bin 'Amr added, Allah's Apostle said, 'The best among you are those who have the best manners and character.'

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 57:
Narrated 'Abdullah bin Mulaika:
'Aisha said that the Jews came to the Prophet and said, "As-Samu 'Alaikum" (death be on you). 'Aisha said (to them), "(Death) be on you, and may Allah curse you and shower His wrath upon you!" The Prophet said, "Be calm, O 'Aisha ! You should be kind and lenient, and beware of harshness and Fuhsh (i.e. bad words)." She said (to the Prophet), "Haven't you heard what they (Jews) have said?" He said, "Haven't you heard what I have said (to them)? I said the same to them, and my invocation against them will be accepted while theirs against me will be rejected (by Allah). "

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 58:
Narrated Anas bin Malik:
The Prophet was not one who would abuse (others) or say obscene words, or curse (others), and if he wanted to admonish anyone of us, he used to say: "What is wrong with him, his forehead be dusted!"

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 59o:
Narrated 'Aisha:
A man asked permission to enter upon the Prophet. When the Prophet saw him, he said, "What an evil brother of his tribe! And what an evil son of his tribe!" When that man sat down, the Prophet behaved with him in a nice and polite manner and was completely at ease with him. When that person had left, 'Aisha said (to the Prophet). "O Allah's Apostle! When you saw that man, you said so-and-so about him, then you showed him a kind and polite behavior, and you enjoyed his company?" Allah's Apostle said, "O 'Aisha! Have you ever seen me speaking a bad and dirty language? (Remember that) the worst people in Allah's sight on the Day of Resurrection will be those whom the people leave (undisturbed) to be away from their evil (deeds)."

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 59i:
Narrated Anas:
The Prophet was the best among the people (both in shape and character) and was the most generous of them, and was the bravest of them. Once, during the night, the people of Medina got afraid (of a sound). So the people went towards that sound, but the Prophet having gone to that sound before them, met them while he was saying, "Don't be afraid, don't be afraid." (At that time) he was riding a horse belonging to Abu Talha and it was naked without a saddle, and he was carrying a sword slung at his neck. The Prophet said, "I found it (the horse) like a sea, or, it is the sea indeed."

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 60:
Narrated Jabir:
Never was the Prophet asked for a thing to be given for which his answer was 'no'.

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 61:
Narrated Masruq:
We were sitting with 'Abdullah bin 'Amr who was narrating to us (Hadith): He said, "Allah's Apostle was neither a Fahish nor a Mutafahhish, and he used to say, 'The best among you are the best in character (having good manners)."'

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 62:
Narrated Abu Hazim:
Sahl bin Sa'd said that a woman brought a Burda (sheet) to the Prophet. Sahl asked the people, "Do you know what is a Burda?" The people replied, "It is a 'Shamla', a sheet with a fringe." That woman said, "O Allah's Apostle! I have brought it so that you may wear it." So the Prophet took it because he was in need of it and wore it. A man among his companions, seeing him wearing it, said, "O Allah's Apostle! Please give it to me to wear." The Prophet said, "Yes." (and gave him that sheet). When the Prophet left, the man was blamed by his companions who said, "It was not nice on your part to ask the Prophet for it while you know that he took it because he was in need of it, and you also know that he (the Prophet) never turns down anybody's request that he might be asked for." That man said, "I just wanted to have its blessings as the Prophet had put it on, so l hoped that I might be shrouded in it."

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 63:
Narrated Abu Huraira:
Allah's Apostle said, "Time will pass rapidly, good deeds will decrease, and miserliness will be thrown (in the hearts of the people), and the Harj (will increase)." They asked, "What is the Harj?" He replied, "(It is) killing (murdering), (it is) murdering (killing).

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 64:
Narrated Anas:
I served the Prophet for ten years, and he never said to me, "Uf" (a minor harsh word denoting impatience) and never blamed me by saying, "Why did you do so or why didn't you do so?"

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 65:
Narrated Al-Aswad:
I asked 'Aisha what did the Prophet use to do at home. She replied. "He used to keep himself busy serving his family and when it was time for the prayer, he would get up for prayer."

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 66:
Narrated Abu Huraira:
The Prophet said, "If Allah loves a person, He calls Gabriel saying: 'Allah loves so and so; O Gabriel, love him.' Gabriel would love him, and then Gabriel would make an announcement among the residents of the Heaven, 'Allah loves so-and-so, therefore, you should love him also.' So, all the residents of the Heavens would love him and then he is granted the pleasure of the people of the earth."

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 67:
Narrated Anas bin Malik:
The Prophet said, "None will have the sweetness (delight) of Faith (a) till he loves a person and loves him only for Allah's sake, (b) and till it becomes dearer to him to be thrown in the fire than to revert to disbelief (Heathenism) after Allah has brought him out of it, (c) and till Allah and His Apostle become dearer to him than anything else."

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 68:
Narrated 'Abdullah bin Zam'a:
The Prophet forbade laughing at a person who passes wind, and said, "How does anyone of you beat his wife as he beats the stallion camel and then he may embrace (sleep with) her?" And Hisham said, "As he beats his slave"

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 69:
Narrated Ibn 'Umar:
The Prophet said at Mina, "Do you know what day is today?" They (the people) replied, "Allah and His Apostle know better," He said "Today is 10th of Dhul-Hijja, the sacred (forbidden) day. Do you know what town is this town?" They (the people) replied, "Allah and His Apostle know better." He said, "This is the (forbidden) Sacred town (Mecca a sanctuary)." And do you know which month is this month?" They (the People) replied, "Allah and His Apostle know better." He said, ''This is the Sacred (forbidden) month ." He added, "Allah has made your blood, your properties and your honor Sacred to one another (i.e. Muslims) like the sanctity of this day of yours in this month of yours, in this town of yours." (See Hadith No. 797, Vol. 2.)

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 70:
Narrated 'Abdullah:
Allah's Apostle said, "Abusing a Muslim is Fusuq (i.e., an evil-doing), and killing him is Kufr (disbelief)."

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 71:
Narrated Abu Dhar:
That he heard the Prophet saying, "If somebody accuses another of Fusuq (by calling him 'Fasiq' i.e. a wicked person) or accuses him of Kufr, such an accusation will revert to him (i.e. the accuser) if his companion (the accused) is innocent."

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 72:
Narrated Anas:
Allah's Apostle was neither a Fahish (one who had a bad tongue) nor a Sabbaba (one who abuses others) and he used to say while admonishing somebody, "What is wrong with him? May dust be on his forehead!"

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 73:
Narrated Thabit bin Ad-Dahhak:
(who was one of the companions who gave the pledge of allegiance to the Prophet underneath the tree (Al-Hudaibiya)) Allah's Apostle said, "Whoever swears by a religion other than Islam (i.e. if somebody swears by saying that he is a non-Muslim e.g., a Jew or a Christian, etc.) in case he is telling a lie, he is really so if his oath is false, and a person is not bound to fulfill a vow about a thing which he does not possess. And if somebody commits suicide with anything in this world, he will be tortured with that very thing on the Day of Resurrection; And if somebody curses a believer, then his sin will be as if he murdered him; And whoever accuses a believer of Kufr (disbelief), then it is as if he killed him."

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 74:
Narrated Sulaiman bin Surad:
A man from the companions of the Prophet said, "Two men abused each other in front of the Prophet and one of them became angry and his anger became so intense that his face became swollen and changed. The Prophet said, "I know a word the saying of which will cause him to relax if he does say it." Then a man went to him and informed him of the statement of the Prophet and said, "Seek refuge with Allah from Satan." On that, angry man said, 'Do you find anything wrong with me? Am I insane? Go away!"

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 75:
Narrated 'Ubada bin As-Samit:
Allah's Apostle went out to inform the people about the (date of the Night of decree (Al-Qadr). There happened a quarrel between two Muslim men. The Prophet said, "I came out to inform you about the Night of Al-Qadr, but as so-and-so and so-and-so quarrelled, so the news about it had been taken away; and may be it was better for you. So look for it in the ninth, the seventh, or the fifth (of the last ten days of Ramadan)."

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 76:
Narrated Ma'rur:
I saw Abu Dhar wearing a Burd (garment) and his slave too was wearing a Burd, so I said (to Abu Dhar), "If you take this (Burda of your slave) and wear it (along with yours), you will have a nice suit (costume) and you may give him another garment." Abu Dhar said, "There was a quarrel between me and another man whose mother was a non-Arab and I called her bad names. The man mentioned (complained about) me to the Prophet. The Prophet said, "Did you abuse so-and-so?" I said, "Yes" He said, "Did you call his mother bad names?" I said, "Yes". He said, "You still have the traits of (the Pre-lslamic period of) ignorance." I said. "(Do I still have ignorance) even now in my old age?" He said, "Yes, they (slaves or servants) are your brothers, and Allah has put them under your command. So the one under whose hand Allah has put his brother, should feed him of what he eats, and give him dresses of what he wears, and should not ask him to do a thing beyond his capacity. And if at all he asks him to do a hard task, he should help him therein."

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 77:
Narrated Abu Huraira:
The Prophet led us in the Zuhr prayer, offering only two Rakat and then (finished it) with Taslim, and went to a piece of wood in front of the mosque and put his hand over it. Abu Bakr and 'Umar were also present among the people on that day but dared not talk to him (about his unfinished prayer). And the hasty people went away, wondering. "Has the prayer been shortened" Among the people there was a man whom the Prophet used to call Dhul-Yadain (the longarmed). He said, "O Allah's Prophet! Have you forgotten or has the prayer been shortened?" The Prophet said, "Neither have I forgotten, nor has it been shortened." They (the people) said, "Surely, you have forgotten, O Allah's Apostle!" The Prophet said, Dhul-Yadain has told the truth." So the Prophet got up and offered other two Rakat and finished his prayer with Taslim. Then he said Takbir, performed a prostration of ordinary duration or longer, then he raised his head and said Takbir and performed another prostration of ordinary duration or longer and then raised his head and said Takbir (i.e. he performed the two prostrations of Sahu, i.e., forgetfulness)."

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 78:
Narrated Ibn 'Abbas:
Allah's Apostle passed by two graves and said, "Both of them (persons in the grave) are being tortured, and they are not being tortured for a major sin. This one used not to save himself from being soiled with his urine, and the other used to go about with calumnies (among the people to rouse hostilities, e.g., one goes to a person and tells him that so-and-so says about him such-and-such evil things). The Prophet then asked for a green leaf of a date-palm tree, split it into two pieces and planted one on each grave and said, "It is hoped that their punishment may be abated till those two pieces of the leaf get dried." (See Hadith No 215, Vol 1).

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 79:
Narrated Abu Usaid As-Sa'idi:
The Prophet said, "The best family among the Ansar is the Banu An-Najjar. "

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 80:
Narrated 'Aisha:
A man asked permission to enter upon Allah's Apostle. The Prophet said, "Admit him. What an evil brother of his people or a son of his people." But when the man entered, the Prophet spoke to him in a very polite manner. (And when that person left) I said, "O Allah's Apostle! You had said what you had said, yet you spoke to him in a very polite manner?" The Prophet said, "O 'Aisha! The worst people are those whom the people desert or leave in order to save themselves from their dirty language or from their transgression."

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 81:
Narrated Ibn 'Abbas:
Once the Prophet went through the grave-yards of Medina and heard the voices of two humans who were being tortured in their graves. The Prophet said, "They are being punished, but they are not being punished because of a major sin, yet their sins are great. One of them used not to save himself from (being soiled with) the urine, and the other used to go about with calumnies (Namima)." Then the Prophet asked for a green palm tree leaf and split it into two pieces and placed one piece on each grave, saying, "I hope that their punishment may be abated as long as these pieces of the leaf are not dried."

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 82:
Narrated Hudhaifa:
I heard the Prophet saying, "A Qattat will not enter Paradise."

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 83:
Narrated Abu Huraira:
The Prophet said, "Whoever does not give up false statements (i.e. telling lies), and evil deeds, and speaking bad words to others, Allah is not in need of his (fasting) leaving his food and drink."

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 84:
Narrated Abu Huraira:
The Prophet said, "The worst people in the Sight of Allah on the Day of Resurrection will be the double faced people who appear to some people with one face and to other people with another face."

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 85:
Narrated Ibn Mas'ud:
Once Allah's Apostle divided and distributed (the war booty). An Ansar man said, "By Allah ! Muhammad, by this distribution, did not intend to please Allah." So I came to Allah's Apostle and informed him about it whereupon his face became changed with anger and he said, "May Allah bestow His Mercy on Moses for he was hurt with more than this, yet he remained patient."

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 86:
Narrated Abu Musa:
The Prophet heard a man praising another man and he was exaggerating in his praise. The Prophet said (to him). "You have destroyed (or cut) the back of the man."

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 87:
Narrated Abu Bakra:
A man was mentioned before the Prophet and another man praised him greatly The Prophet said, "May Allah's Mercy be on you ! You have cut the neck of your friend." The Prophet repeated this sentence many times and said, "If it is indispensable for anyone of you to praise someone, then he should say, 'I think that he is so-and-so," if he really thinks that he is such. Allah is the One Who will take his accounts (as He knows his reality) and no-one can sanctify anybody before Allah." (Khalid said, "Woe to you," instead of "Allah's Mercy be on you.")

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 88:
Narrated Salim:
that his father said; "When Allah's Apostle mentioned wh at he mentioned about (the hanging of) the Izar (waist sheet), Abu Bakr said, "O Allah's Apostle! My Izar slackens on one side (without my intention)." The Prophet said, "You are not among those (who, out of pride) drag their Izars behind them."

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 89:
Narrated 'Aisha:
The Prophet continued for such-and-such period imagining that he has slept (had sexual relations) with his wives, and in fact he did not. One day he said, to me, "O 'Aisha! Allah has instructed me regarding a matter about which I had asked Him. There came to me two men, one of them sat near my feet and the other near my head. The one near my feet, asked the one near my head (pointing at me), 'What is wrong with this man? The latter replied, 'He is under the effect of magic.' The first one asked, 'Who had worked magic on him?' The other replied, 'Lubaid bin Asam.' The first one asked, 'What material (did he use)?' The other replied, 'The skin of the pollen of a male date tree with a comb and the hair stuck to it, kept under a stone in the well of Dharwan."' Then the Prophet went to that well and said, "This is the same well which was shown to me in the dream. The tops of its date-palm trees look like the heads of the devils, and its water looks like the Henna infusion." Then the Prophet ordered that those things be taken out. I said, "O Allah's Apostle! Won't you disclose (the magic object)?" The Prophet said, "Allah has cured me and I hate to circulate the evil among the people." 'Aisha added, "(The magician) Lubaid bin Asam was a man from Bani Zuraiq, an ally of the Jews."

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 90:
Narrated Abu Huraira:
The Prophet said, "Beware of suspicion, for suspicion is the worst of false tales; and do not look for the others' faults and do not spy, and do not be jealous of one another, and do not desert (cut your relation with) one another, and do not hate one another; and O Allah's worshipers! Be brothers (as Allah has ordered you!")

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 91:
Narrated Anas bin Malik:
Allah's Apostle said, "Do not hate one another, and do not be jealous of one another, and do not desert each other, and O, Allah's worshipers! Be brothers. Lo! It is not permissible for any Muslim to desert (not talk to) his brother (Muslim) for more than three days."

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 92:
Narrated Abu Huraira:
Allah's Apostle said, "Beware of suspicion, for suspicion is the worst of false tales. and do not look for the others' faults, and do not do spying on one another, and do not practice Najsh, and do not be jealous of one another and do not hate one another, and do not desert (stop talking to) one another. And O, Allah's worshipers! Be brothers!"

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 93:
Narrated 'Aisha:
The Prophet said, "I do not think that so-and-so and so-and-so know anything of our religion." (And Al-Laith said, "These two persons were among the hypocrites.")

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 94:
Narrated Al-Laith:
'Aisha said "The Prophet entered upon me one day and said, 'O 'Aisha! I do not think that so-and-so and so-and-so know anything of our religion which we follow."'

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 95:
Narrated Abu Huraira:
I heard Allah's Apostle saying. "All the sins of my followers will be forgiven except those of the Mujahirin (those who commit a sin openly or disclose their sins to the people). An example of such disclosure is that a person commits a sin at night and though Allah screens it from the public, then he comes in the morning, and says, 'O so-and-so, I did such-and-such (evil) deed yesterday,' though he spent his night screened by his Lord (none knowing about his sin) and in the morning he removes Allah's screen from himself."

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 96:
Narrated Safwan bin Muhriz:
A man asked Ibn 'Umar, "What did you hear Allah's Apostle saying regarding An-Najwa (secret talk between Allah and His believing worshipper on the Day of Judgment)?" He said, "(The Prophet said), "One of you will come close to his Lord till He will shelter him in His screen and say: Did you commit such-and-such sin? He will say, 'Yes.' Then Allah will say: Did you commit such and such sin? He will say, 'Yes.' So Allah will make him confess (all his sins) and He will say, 'I screened them (your sins) for you in the world, and today I forgive them for you."'

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 97:
Narrated Haritha bin Wahb:
Al-Khuzai: The Prophet said, "Shall I inform you about the people of Paradise? They comprise every obscure unimportant humble person, and if he takes Allah's Oath that he will do that thing, Allah will fulfill his oath (by doing that). Shall I inform you about the people of the Fire? They comprise every cruel, violent, proud and conceited person." Anas bin Malik said, "Any of the female slaves of Medina could take hold of the hand of Allah's Apostle and take him wherever she wished."

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 98:
Narrated 'Aisha:
(the wife of the Prophet) that she was told that 'Abdullah bin Az-Zubair (on hearing that she was selling or giving something as a gift) said, "By Allah, if 'Aisha does not give up this, I will declare her incompetent to dispose of her wealth." I said, "Did he ('Abdullah bin Az-Zubair) say so?" They (people) said, "Yes." 'Aisha said, "I vow to Allah that I will never speak to Ibn Az-Zubair." When this desertion lasted long, 'Abdullah bin Az-Zubair sought intercession with her, but she said, "By Allah, I will not accept the intercession of anyone for him, and will not commit a sin by breaking my vow." When this state of affairs was prolonged on Ibn Az-Zubair (he felt it hard on him), he said to Al-Miswar bin Makhrama and 'Abdur-Rahman bin Al-Aswad bin 'Abu Yaghuth, who were from the tribe of Bani Zahra, "I beseech you, by Allah, to let me enter upon 'Aisha, for it is unlawful for her to vow to cut the relation with me." So Al-Miswar and 'Abdur-Rahman, wrapping their sheets around themselves, asked 'Aisha's permission saying, "Peace and Allah's Mercy and Blessings be upon you! Shall we come in?" 'Aisha said, "Come in." They said, "All of us?" She said, "Yes, come in all of you," not knowing that Ibn Az-Zubair was also with them. So when they entered, Ibn Az-Zubair entered the screened place and got hold of 'Aisha and started requesting her to excuse him, and wept. Al-Miswar and 'Abdur Rahman also started requesting her to speak to him and to accept his repentance. They said (to her), "The Prophet forbade what you know of deserting (not speaking to your Muslim Brethren), for it is unlawful for any Muslim not to talk to his brother for more than three nights (days)." So when they increased their reminding her (of the superiority of having good relation with Kith and kin, and of excusing others' sins), and brought her down to a critical situation, she started reminding them, and wept, saying, "I have made a vow, and (the question of) vow is a difficult one." They (Al-Miswar and 'Abdur-Rahman) persisted in their appeal till she spoke with 'Abdullah bin Az-Zubair and she manumitted forty slaves as an expiation for her vow. Later on, whenever she remembered her vow, she used to weep so much that her veil used to become wet with her tears.

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 99:
Narrated Anas bin Malik:
Allah's Apostle said, "Do not hate one another, nor be jealous of one another; and do not desert one another, but O Allah's worshipers! Be Brothers! And it is unlawful for a Muslim to desert his brother Muslim (and not to talk to him) for more than three nights."

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 100:
Narrated Abu Aiyub Al-Ansari:
Allah's Apostle said, "It is not lawful for a man to desert his brother Muslim for more than three nights. (It is unlawful for them that) when they meet, one of them turns his face away from the other, and the other turns his face from the former, and the better of the two will be the one who greets the other first."

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 101:
Narrated 'Aisha:
Allah's Apostle said, " I know whether you are angry or pleased." I said, "How do you know that, Allah's Apostle?" He said, "When you are pleased, you say, "Yes, by the Lord of Muhammad,' but when you are angry, you say, 'No, by the Lord of Abraham!' " I said, "Yes, I do not leave, except your name."

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 102:
Narrated 'Aisha:
(the wife of the Prophet) "I do not remember my parents believing in any religion other than the Religion (of Islam), and our being visited by Allah's Apostle in the morning and in the evening. One day, while we were sitting in the house of Abu Bakr (my father) at noon, someone said, 'This is Allah's Apostle coming at an hour at which he never used to visit us.' Abu Bakr said, 'There must be something very urgent that has brought him at this hour.' The Prophet said, 'I have been allowed to go out (of Mecca) to migrate.' "

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 103:
Narrated Anas bin Malik:
Allah's Apostle visited a household among the Ansars, and he took a meal with them. When he intended to leave, he asked for a place in that house for him, to pray so a mat sprinkled with water was put and he offered prayer over it, and invoked for Allah's Blessing upon them (his hosts).

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 104:
Narrated 'Abdullah:
'Umar saw a silken cloak over a man (for sale) so he took it to the Prophet and said, 'O Allah's Apostle! Buy this and wear it when the delegate come to you.' He said, 'The silk is worn by one who will have no share (in the Here-after).' Some time passed after this event, and then the Prophet sent a (similar) cloak to him. 'Umar brought that cloak back to the Prophet and said, 'You have sent this to me, and you said about a similar one what you said?' The Prophet said, 'I have sent it to you so that you may get money by selling it.' Because of this, Ibn 'Umar used to hate the silken markings on the garments.

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 105:
Narrated Anas:
When 'Abdur-Rahman came to us, the Prophet established a bond of brotherhood between him and Sa'd bin Ar-Rabi'. Once the Prophet said, "As you (O 'Abdur-Rahman) have married, give a wedding banquet even if with one sheep."

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 106:
Narrated 'Asim:
I said to Anas bin Malik, "Did it reach you that the Prophet said, "There is no treaty of brotherhood in Islam'?" Anas said, "The Prophet made a treaty (of brotherhood) between the Ansar and the Quraish in my home."

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 107:
Narrated 'Aisha:
Rifa'a Al-Qurazi divorced his wife irrevocably (i.e. that divorce was the final). Later on 'Abdur-Rahman bin Az-Zubair married her after him. She came to the Prophet and said, "O Allah's Apostle! I was Rifa'a's wife and he divorced me thrice, and then I was married to 'Abdur-Rahman bin AzZubair, who, by Allah has nothing with him except something like this fringe, O Allah's Apostle," showing a fringe she had taken from her covering sheet. Abu Bakr was sitting with the Prophet while Khalid Ibn Said bin Al-As was sitting at the gate of the room waiting for admission. Khalid started calling Abu Bakr, "O Abu Bakr! Why don't you reprove this lady from what she is openly saying before Allah's Apostle?" Allah's Apostle did nothing except smiling, and then said (to the lady), "Perhaps you want to go back to Rifa'a? No, (it is not possible), unless and until you enjoy the sexual relation with him ('Abdur Rahman), and he enjoys the sexual relation with you."

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 108:
Narrated Sa'd:
'Umar bin Al-Khattab asked permission of Allah's Apostle to see him while some Quraishi women were sitting with him and they were asking him to give them more financial support while raising their voices over the voice of the Prophet. When 'Umar asked permission to enter, all of them hurried to screen themselves the Prophet admitted 'Umar and he entered, while the Prophet was smiling. 'Umar said, "May Allah always keep you smiling, O Allah's Apostle! Let my father and mother be sacrificed for you !" The Prophet said, "I am astonished at these women who were with me. As soon as they heard your voice, they hastened to screen themselves." 'Umar said, "You have more right, that they should be afraid of you, O Allah's Apostle!" And then he ('Umar) turned towards them and said, "O enemies of your souls! You are afraid of me and not of Allah's Apostle?" The women replied, "Yes, for you are sterner and harsher than Allah's Apostle." Allah's Apostle said, "O Ibn Al-Khattab! By Him in Whose Hands my life is, whenever Satan sees you taking a way, he follows a way other than yours!"

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 109:
Narrated 'Abdullah bin 'Umar:
When Allah Apostle was in Ta'if (trying to conquer it), he said to his companions, "Tomorrow we will return (to Medina), if Allah wills." Some of the companions of Allah's Apostle said, "We will not leave till we conquer it." The Prophet said, "Therefore, be ready to fight tomorrow." On the following day, they (Muslims) fought fiercely (with the people of Ta'if) and suffered many wounds. Then Allah's Apostle said, "Tomorrow we will return (to Medina), if Allah wills." His companions kept quiet this time. Allah's Apostle then smiled.

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 110:
Narrated Abu Huraira:
A man came to the Prophet and said, "I have been ruined for I have had sexual relation with my wife in Ramadan (while I was fasting)" The Prophet said (to him), "Manumit a slave." The man said, " I cannot afford that." The Prophet said, "(Then) fast for two successive months continuously". The man said, "I cannot do that." The Prophet said, "(Then) feed sixty poor persons." The man said, "I have nothing (to feed them with)." Then a big basket full of dates was brought to the Prophet. The Prophet said, "Where is the questioner? Go and give this in charity." The man said, "(Shall I give this in charity) to a poorer person than l? By Allah, there is no family in between these two mountains (of Medina) who are poorer than we." The Prophet then smiled till his premolar teeth became visible, and said, "Then (feed) your (family with it).

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 111:
Narrated Anas bin Malik:
While I was going along with Allah's Apostle who was wearing a Najrani Burd (sheet) with a thick border, a bedouin overtook the Prophet and pulled his Rida' (sheet) forcibly. I looked at the side of the shoulder of the Prophet and noticed that the edge of the Rida' had left a mark on it because of the violence of his pull. The bedouin said, "O Muhammad! Order for me some of Allah's property which you have." The Prophet turned towards him, (smiled) and ordered that he be given something.

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 112:
Narrated Jarir:
The Prophet did not screen himself from me (had never prevented me from entering upon him) since I embraced Islam, and whenever he saw me, he would receive me with a smile. Once I told him that I could not sit firm on horses. He stroked me on the chest with his hand, and said, "O Allah! Make him firm and make him a guiding and a rightly guided man.

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 113:
Narrated Zainab bint Um Salama:
Um Sulaim said, "O Allah's Apostle! Verily Allah is not shy of (telling you) the truth. Is it essential for a woman to take a bath after she had a wet dream (nocturnal sexual discharge)?" He said, "Yes, if she notices discharge. On that Um Salama laughed and said, "Does a woman get a (nocturnal sexual) discharge?" He said, "How then does (her) son resemble her (his mother)?"

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 114:
Narrated 'Aisha:
I never saw the Prophet laughing to an extent that one could see his palate, but he always used to smile only.

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 115:
Narrated Anas:
A man came to the Prophet on a Friday while he (the Prophet) was delivering a sermon at Medina, and said, "There is lack of rain, so please invoke your Lord to bless us with the rain." The Prophet looked at the sky when no cloud could be detected. Then he invoked Allah for rain. Clouds started gathering together and it rained till the Medina valleys started flowing with water. It continued raining till the next Friday. Then that man (or some other man) stood up while the Prophet was delivering the Friday sermon, and said, "We are drowned; Please invoke your Lord to withhold it (rain) from us" The Prophet smiled and said twice or thrice, "O Allah! Please let it rain round about us and not upon us." The clouds started dispersing over Medina to the right and to the left, and it rained round about Medina and not upon Medina. Allah showed them (the people) the miracle of His Prophet and His response to his invocation.

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 116:
Narrated 'Abdullah:
The Prophet said, "Truthfulness leads to righteousness, and righteousness leads to Paradise. And a man keeps on telling the truth until he becomes a truthful person. Falsehood leads to Al-Fajur (i.e. wickedness, evil-doing), and Al-Fajur (wickedness) leads to the (Hell) Fire, and a man may keep on telling lies till he is written before Allah, a liar."

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 117:
Narrated Abu Huraira:
Allah's Apostle said, "The signs of a hypocrite are three: Whenever he speaks, he tells a lie; and whenever he promises, he breaks his promise; and whenever he is entrusted, he betrays (proves to be dishonest)".

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 118:
Narrated Samura bin Jundub:
The Prophet said, "I saw (in a dream), two men came to me." Then the Prophet narrated the story (saying), "They said, 'The person, the one whose cheek you saw being torn away (from the mouth to the ear) was a liar and used to tell lies and the people would report those lies on his authority till they spread all over the world. So he will be punished like that till the Day of Resurrection."'

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 119:
Narrated Hudhaifa:
From among the people, Ibn Um 'Abd greatly resembled Allah's Apostles in solemn gate and good appearance of piety and in calmness and sobriety from the time he goes out of his house till he returns to it. But we do not know how he behaves with his family when he is alone with them.

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 120:
Narrated Tariq:
'Abdullah said, "The best talk is Allah's Book (Qur'an), and the best guidance is the guidance of Muhammad."

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 121:
Narrated Abu Musa:
The Prophet said: None is more patient than Allah against the harmful saying. He hears from the people they ascribe children to Him, yet He gives them health and (supplies them with) provision."

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 122:
Narrated 'Abdullah:
The Prophet divided and distributed something as he used to do for some of his distributions. A man from the Ansar said, "By Allah, in this division the pleasure of Allah has not been intended." I said, "I will definitely tell this to the Prophet ." So I went to him while he was sitting with his companions and told him of it secretly. That was hard upon the Prophet and the color of his face changed, and he became so angry that I wished I had not told him. The Prophet then said, "Moses was harmed with more than this, yet he remained patient."

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 123:
Narrated 'Aisha:
The Prophet did something and allowed his people to do it, but some people refrained from doing it. When the Prophet learned of that, he delivered a sermon, and after having sent Praises to Allah, he said, "What is wrong with such people as refrain from doing a thing that I do? By Allah, I know Allah better than they, and I am more afraid of Him than they."

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 124:
Narrated Abu Said Al-Khudri:
The Prophet was more shy than a virgin in her separate room. And if he saw a thing which he disliked, we would recognize that (feeling) in his face.

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 125d:
Narrated Abu Huraira:
Allah's Apostle said, "If a man says to his brother, O Kafir (disbeliever)!' Then surely one of them is such (i.e., a Kifir). "

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 125m:
Narrated 'Abdullah bin 'Umar:
Allah's Apostle said, 'If anyone says to his brother, 'O misbeliever! Then surely, one of them such."

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 126:
Narrated Thabit bin Ad-Dahhak:
The Prophet said, "Whoever swears by a religion other than Islam (i.e. if he swears by saying that he is a non-Muslim in case he is telling a lie), then he is as he says if his oath is false and whoever commits suicide with something, will be punished with the same thing in the (Hell) fire, and cursing a believer is like murdering him, and whoever accuses a believer of disbelief, then it is as if he had killed him."

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 127:
Narrated Jabir bin 'Abdullah:
Mu'adh bin Jabal used to pray with the Prophet and then go to lead his people in prayer. Once he led the people in prayer and recited Surat-al-Baqara. A man left (the row of the praying people) and offered (light) prayer (separately) and went away. When Mu'adh came to know about it, he said. "He (that man) is a hypocrite." Later that man heard what Mu'adh said about him, so he came to the Prophet and said, "O Allah's Apostle! We are people who work with our own hands and irrigate (our farms) with our camels. Last night Mu'adh led us in the (night) prayer and he recited Sura-al-Baqara, so I offered my prayer separately, and because of that, he accused me of being a hypocrite." The Prophet called Mu'adh and said thrice, "O Mu'adh! You are putting the people to trials? Recite 'Wash-shamsi wad-uhaha' (91) or'Sabbih isma Rabbi ka-l-A'la' (87) or the like."

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 128:
Narrated Abu Huraira:
Allah's Apostle said: "Whoever amongst you swears, (saying by error) in his oath 'By Al-Lat and Al-Uzza', then he should say, 'None has the right to be worshipped but Allah.' And whoever says to his companions, 'Come let me gamble' with you, then he must give something in charity (as an expiation for such a sin)." (See Hadith No. 645)

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 129:
Narrated Ibn 'Umar:
that he found 'Umar bin Al-Khattab in a group of people and he was swearing by his father. So Allah's Apostle called them, saying, "Verily! Allah forbids you to swear by your fathers. If one has to take an oath, he should swear by Allah or otherwise keep quiet."

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 130:
Narrated 'Aisha:
The Prophet entered upon me while there was a curtain having pictures (of animals) in the house. His face got red with anger, and then he got hold of the curtain and tore it into pieces. The Prophet said, "Such people as paint these pictures will receive the severest punishment on the Day of Resurrection ."

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 131:
Narrated Abu Mas'ud:
A man came to the Prophet and said "I keep away from the morning prayer only because such and such person prolongs the prayer when he leads us in it. The narrator added: I had never seen Allah's Apostle more furious in giving advice than he was on that day. He said, "O people! There are some among you who make others dislike good deeds) cause the others to have aversion (to congregational prayers). Beware! Whoever among you leads the people in prayer should not prolong it, because among them there are the sick, the old, and the needy." (See Hadith No. 670, Vol 1)

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 132:
Narrated 'Abdullah bin 'Umar:
While the Prophet was praying, he saw sputum (on the wall) of the mosque, in the direction of the Qibla, and so he scraped it off with his hand, and the sign of disgust (was apparent from his face) and then said, "Whenever anyone of you is in prayer, he should not spit in front of him (in prayer) because Allah is in front of him."

Volume 8, Book 73, Number 133:
Narrated Zaid bin Khalid Al-Juhani:
A man asked Allah's Apostle about "Al-Luqata" (a lost fallen purse or a thing picked up by somebody). The Prophet said, "You should announce it publicly for one year, and then remember and recognize the tying material of its container, and then you can spend it. If its owner came to you, then you should pay him its equivalent." The man said, "O Allah's Apostle! What about a lost sheep?" The Prophet said, "Take it because it is for you, for your brother, or for the wolf." The man again said, "O Allah's Apostle! What about a lost camel?" Allah's Apostle became very angry and furious and his cheeks became red (or his face became red), and he said, "You have nothing to do with it (the camel) for it has its food and ]]> Fri, 16 Nov 2007 16:12:00 EST http://mallamibro.tigblog.org/post/283871 11.9963889 8.516666711.99638898.5166667 http://mallamibro.tigblog.org/post/269167


"And mankind, with regard to their performance of prayer are in five levels:

The First: The level of the one who is negligent and wrongs his soul. He is the one who falls short in performing ablution properly, performing the prayer upon its time and within its specified limits, and in fulfilling its essential pillars.

The Second: The one who guards his prayers upon their proper times and within their specified limits, fulfils their essential pillars and performs his ablution with care. However, his striving (in achieving the above) is wasted due to whisperings in his prayer so he is taken away by thoughts and ideas.

The Third: The one who guards his prayers within the specified limits, fulfils their essential pillars and strives with himself to repel the whisperings, thoughts and ideas. He is busy struggling against his enemy (shaytaan) so that he does not steal from the prayer. On account of this he is engaged in (both) prayer and jihaad.

The Fourth: The one who stands for the prayer, completes and perfects its due rights, its essential pillars, performs it within its specified limits and his heart becomes engrossed in safeguarding its rights and specified limits, so that nothing is wasted from it. His whole concern is directed towards its establishment, its completion and perfection, as it should be. His heart is immersed in the prayer and in enslavement to his Lord, the Exalted.

The Fifth: The one who stands for the prayer like the one mentioned above. However, on top of this, he has taken and placed his heart in front of his Lord, the Mighty and Majestic, looking towards Him with his heart with anticipation, (his heart) filled with His love and His might, as if he sees and witnesses Allaah. The whisperings, thoughts and ideas have vanished and the coverings which are between him and his Lord are raised. What is between this person and others with respect to the prayer, is superior and greater than what is between the heavens and the earth. This person is busy with his Lord, the Mighty and Majestic, delighted with Him.

The first type will be punished, the second type will be held to account, the third will have his sins and shortcomings expiated, the fourth will be rewarded and the fifth will be close to his Lord, because he will receive the portion of one who makes his prayer the delight and pleasure of his eye. Whoever makes the prayer the delight and pleasure of his eye, will have the nearness to his Lord, the Mighty and Majestic, made the delight and pleasure of his eye in the hereafter. He will also be made a pleasure to the eye in this world since whoever makes Allaah the pleasure of his eye in this world, every other eye will become delighted and pleased with him."

Source: Al-Waabilus-Sayyib pp.23-24.

From: The Path to Guidance, trans. by Amjad Rafiq
]]> Tue, 16 Oct 2007 16:33:00 EDT http://mallamibro.tigblog.org/post/269167 11.9963889 8.516666711.99638898.5166667 http://mallamibro.tigblog.org/post/269165 ‘Until recently, the history of science was a story of success. The triumphs of science represented a cumulative process of increasing knowledge and a sequence of victories over ignorance and superstition; and from science flowed a stream of inventions for the improvement of human life. The recent realization of deep moral problems within science of external forces and constraints on its development, and of dangers in uncontrolled technological change has challenged historians to a critical reassessment of this earlier simple faith." - Encyclopaedia Britannia (1984)


The Return to Religion
The nineteenth century was the century of atheism. But with the arrival of the twentieth century, the whole course of history changed, with religion again becoming a major force in human life. Although more in potential than in reality. The obvious causes are discontent with science and the continuing existence of religion as an inherent part of human nature.
A hundred years ago even thinking against science was considered a sign of ignorance. At the end of the 19th century a well-known scientist said that he was not able to understand anything unless he could make a scientific model of it. But now, at least at the academic level, man’s conviction of the usefulness of science has been shaken. The whole spate of books on this subject, which came out after the Second World War, was an indication of the extent of the human dilemma. The article on the history of science in the Encyclopaedia Britannia (1984) begins with these words: ‘Until recently, the history of science was a story of success. The triumphs of science represented a cumulative process of increasing knowledge and a sequence of victories over ignorance and superstition; and from science flowed a stream of inventions for the improvement of human life. The recent realization of deep moral problems within science of external forces and constraints on its development, and of dangers in uncontrolled technological change has challenged historians to a critical reassessment of this earlier simple faith." (16:366)
Modern science has offered man innumerable facilities, but along with this it has brought in its wake such great dangers as have rendered all its gifts meaningless. The greatest menace is that of a third world war. In the event of this happening, it will be a nuclear war which will reduce most of the big cities to ruins in a matter of hours. Moreover, the whole atmosphere will be engulfed in thick smoke which will prevent sunlight from reaching the earth. This will in turn produce a terrible nuclear winter, which will bring all human, animal and vegetable existence to the verge of the most tragic annihilation.
One of the most serious problems produced by science is that of air pollution. Science produced technology, which in turn produced machines. Initially, when people saw cars running on the streets and so many items being produced in factories, they were thrilled. But soon they learned the hard reality that all that progress and development had been achieved at the cost of harmful gases pervading the atmosphere rendering it impossible for man to breathe in beneficially. A western thinker has written that the greatest danger facing modern man is air pollution. According to him the human race is advancing towards a future where all humans will find themselves enclosed in a polluted cage produced by the industrial civilization. According to an AP report based on American government statistics: "US industrial plants are spouting 163 million kg. of suspected cancer-causing chemicals into the air annually, with releases from each of the 30 biggest polluters exceeding 450,000 kilograms" (Times of India, June 22, 1989).
The Clean Air Act was passed in the U.S.A. in 1970 but after twenty years of this the air pollution has further increased. According to the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency, the U.S. is spending 30 thousand million dollars in controlling air pollution, yet all the present efforts have failed to check the pollution. Now the suggestion is being made to double the amount in order to adopt more effective methods. (Span, August, 1989)
The progress of science has not only produced material problems, but has also created intellectual and spiritual problems of a very grave nature.
Science and scientific resources had vastly expanded human knowledge. It not only gave man microscopes and telescopes to observe things which had till then remained unseen, but it also opened up innumerable new ways and means of making it possible to add greatly to information in every field.
All this gave man the self-confidence to feel certain that he could arrive at the final reality through science alone. But the only thing that the increase in knowledge has told man is that he has how entered into a new phase of ignorance. In the words of a scientist: "We know more and more about less and less."
By the end of the 19th century scientists believed that with the increase in knowledge they had been heading towards the final reality. But new research by the end of the first half of the 20th century proved that man cannot reach the ultimate reality unaided. His limitations are decisively obstacles in his path. It is now an accepted fact among the scientific community that science gives us but a partial knowledge of reality.
With the emergence of modern science it had become fashionable among intellectuals to hold that the universe could be explained without God. Therefore, every fact that came to light was explained in a way that would prove that there was no mind or consciousness behind the universe. But this bid to explain the universe atheistically failed.
The Indian scientist, Dr Subramaniam Chandar Shekhar, who won the Nobel prize in Physics (jointly) in 1983, is a self-avowed atheist. He has briefly stated the present position of science on this subject:
There are aspects which are extremely difficult to understand. A famous remark of Einstein—and other people have said similar things, Schrodinger in particular—that the most incomprehensible thing about nature is that it is comprehensible. How is it that the human mind, extremely small compared to the universe and living over a time span microscopic in terms of astronomical time, comprehends reality in ideas which spring from the human mind?
This question has puzzled many people from Kepler on. Why should mathematical description be accurate? Mathematical description is something the human mind has evolved. Why should it fit external nature? We don’t have answers to these questions. One is not saying the world is orderly and therefore must be ordered. But why should we understand the world in terms of the concepts we have developed?
(The Hindustan Times, May 31, 1987)
T.S. Eliot has said:
Where is the wisdom that we have lost in knowledge? Where is the knowledge that we have lost in information?
A book called Wisdom, Information and Wonder, by Dr Mary Midgley, elaborates—as its title suggests—on the above rhetorical questions, and makes a significant contribution to the new thinking of the latter half of the 20th century.
In his book, The Secular City, Professor Harvey R. Cox showed that people had lost interest in religion. But the same writer in another book titled, Religion in the Secular City, published in 1984, has shown that religion in the U.S.A. has seen a revival. The same has been found to be true of the western countries.
God wants the message of His religion to be communicated to all human beings; Islam being the final religion, He has taken special care to safeguard it from all human additions and interpolations. Islam is thus the only totally preserved and genuinely historical of all the religions; as such, it deserves pride of place as the sole reliable guide to pious living.
This attribute of Islam has rendered its communication very easy. If believers in Islam do not, by their own foolishness, create problems unnecessarily, they can continue the work of Islamic da‘wah without any hindrance. And then, no intellectual hurdles have to be surmounted to understand Islam. That is one of the qualities that has made Islam such an acceptable religion. The only task now is to introduce Islam to people in a purely positive way, so that on their own they will feel attracted to it, and will adopt it in response to their own desires.
The return to religion, in respect of its potential, is a return to Islam. Who will arise to convert this potential to reality? Who will join us in this Plan of God?
]]> Tue, 16 Oct 2007 16:31:00 EDT http://mallamibro.tigblog.org/post/269165 11.9963889 8.516666711.99638898.5166667 http://mallamibro.tigblog.org/post/269163
It is a fact that the influence wrought on history by Islamic figures in their pursuance of Islamic ideals has been a source of inspiration for all humanity. Islam has demonstrated the finest examples of human qualities. Anyone may base a code of ethics on stories that are mere fictions but if real characters are to serve as models, these are no better examples than those set by personalities from the world of Islam. Such individuals are the common moral assets of all mankind. The relevant aspects of their lives being a matter of historical record. We shall now look at a number of incidents, which will serve to illustrate their moral excellence.

Trust and Confidence:
The first twelve years of his Prophethood were spent in Makkah by the Prophet (Pbuh), his hometown. In those days Makkah was completely under the domination of the idolaters, who inflicted all kinds of torments on him. Finally, they decided to rid themselves of his presence altogether by assassinating him. When the matter had deteriorated to this point, the Prophet (Pbuh) left Makkah for Madinah. Those were hard times and the journey from Makkah to Madinah by the normal routes was fraught with danger. Therefore, after leaving Makkah, the Prophet (Pbuh) had to hide out for three days along with his companion, Abu Bakr, in a cave called Thawr. This cave was situated at a narrow point on a hill which was difficult to traverse. Yet his enemies, managed to reach this point in their search. They stood so near the cave mouth, wielding their swords, that the Prophet (Pbuh) could see their footprints. Everything pointed to the Prophet (Pbuh) having reached the end of his journey. Abu Bakr was greatly disturbed at this turn of events. He said to the Prophet (Pbuh), "They have come even to this place." The Prophet (Pbuh), calm and composed replied, "Abu Bakr, what do you think of the two who have God as their third." These words are a perfect example of the Prophet (Pbuh)’s trust and confidence in God—the best of human quality.

Being Patient in the Face of Unpleasantness:
Once, in order to help a famine-stricken people, the Prophet (Pbuh) of Islam borrowed some money from a Jewish merchant, by the name of Zayd ibn Saana. A date was fixed for its repayment, which was to take the form of dates (80 misqal). Then, three days before the stipulated date, Zayd ibn Saana suddenly appeared and harshly demanded that the debt be honored. Catching hold of a sheet which the Prophet (Pbuh) had draped around his shoulders, he gave it a sharp tug and said: ‘Oh Muhammad! Why don’t you pay your debt? By God, the descendants of Abdul Muttalib keep putting off paying their debts.’ Along with the Prophet (Pbuh) at that time was Umar ibn al-Khattab, who became enraged and said, ‘O, enemy of God, what are you saying? Aren’t you afraid of having your head chopped off?’ At that time the Prophet (Pbuh) of Islam was the ruler of Arabia and had full authority to take any strong measure he pleased against ibn Saana. Even so, he tolerated Zayd’s insolence, showing no sign of anger and keeping his composure in the face of provocation. He did not even ask why the man was demanding that the debt be discharged before the stipulated time. Instead, he reprimanded Umar, saying that what he and Zayd were in need of was not an outburst from him, but a simple request for the better fulfilment of dues on his (the Prophet’s part) and better behavior on the part of Zayd when demanding repayment. Then he commanded that Zayd ibn Saana should be given the dates according to the agreement, in addition to which he should be given an extra twenty kilos of dates for having been subjected to the scolding of Umar. On seeing this exemplary behavior, Zaid ibn Saana entered into the fold of Islam.

A Matter not of Honour, but of Responsibility:
Abu Bakr ibn Abi Qahafa, the first Caliph of Islam, ruled from 632 to 634. When after the death of the Prophet (Pbuh), he was selected for the Caliphate, he did not regard this as an office, but as a matter of responsibility. Instead of being happy over his elevation to the highest of positions, he was plunged into the deepest anxiety. After the bay‘a (oath of allegiance), when he stood at the pulpit, he was so overwhelmed at this great burden of responsibility that he was in tears. He addressed the gathering in these words: "O People, I have been appointed your administrator, although I am not better than you. If the steps which I take are good, give me your cooperation. If I go wrong, set me right. Truth is a public trust (amanah) and falsehood is breach of trust. Your weak to me are powerful, unless I have given them their rights. Your strong are weak to me, unless I have received from them what is due from them."

Ibn Sad narrates that after Abu Bakr had been elected Caliph, he was to be seen the next day, going about his business as usual, with a sheet around his shoulders. When Umar Faruq asked him where he was going. He said, "To the market." Umar Faruq asked him if he did know he was the leader of Muslims. Abu Bakr replied that if he did not earn anything, he would feed his family. Umar then suggested that they go to Abu Ubaydah, who would determine what allowance he should have. And so Abu Bakr had an allowance fixed for him by Abu Ubaydah just as if he was an ordinary person. This included two suits of clothing, one for summer and one for winter. When the time came for him to depart from this world, he had no money at home. In his will, he stated that the one piece of land which he owned should be sold so that all of the allowance he had taken as Caliph from Bait al-Mal (Treasury) could be returned to it.

For Abu Bakr, a high government position was not so much as honor as responsibility. The same example was set by other Caliphs as well. This is an example which all rulers should follow. It tells them that they too must consider government posts as a matter not of pride and popularity but of strict personal duty. It is only if rulers adopt such an attitude that their governance becomes a source of goodness and well-being for the people.

Simple living:
During the period of pious Caliphs, a kingdom had become an empire, and there had been tremendous increases in wealth and power, yet the Caliphs still led extremely simple lives—a fact that has been generally acknowledged by historians. Montgomery Watt writes: "The ruler of what was now a vast empire still lived a very simple life in Medina, and had not so much as a body guard (The Majesty that was Islam; 1984).The second Caliph, Umar Faruq, ruled over a large part of Asia and Africa, but continued to wear very ordinary clothes which often had patches. He would carry water bags over his shoulders. He would sleep on the ground with a stone as a pillow. He ate simple food and lived in an ordinary house.
Once Ahnaf ibn Qays came to see him in Medina. He found him walking hither and thither clad in ordinary clothes. When Ahnaf asked Umar what was the matter, he replied, that a camel belonging to Bait al-Mal (public Treasury) had gone astray and that he was looking for it. Ahnaf said, "You are Amirul-Muminin (leader of the believers) why are you taking all this trouble? You should have asked a Servant to do this for you." Caliph Umar replied, "Who is a greater servant than I am?" Considering oneself a common man, while in actuality being the ruler of an empire, gave a practical example of the humility expected of a ruler who obeyed the Islamic code of ethics. Instead, nowhere, except in Islam, does there exist such a code of ethics for rulers.The Caliphate of Umar Faruq lasted from 634 to 644. It was during his rule that Palestine was conquered. On the occasion of this conquest, Christian priests of Palestine demanded that Caliph Umar come in person to negotiate the treaty. This journey, undertaken by the ruler of a vast empire, was marked by a simplicity so spartan as to be almost unimaginable. Umar’s entry into Palestine in this way is testified to by a manuscript written in Greek by a Christian during Umar’s lifetime. The was found in a Church in Palestine by Abdullah Uttal (a veteran of the Palestine war of 1948) who published a book containing an Arabic translation of it in 1964 from Dar al-Qalam (Cairo) in 1964. The following is a summary of the manuscript’s contents:
When the Muslims tightened their siege around Bait al-Maqdis (The Holy House) in 636, the Patriarch climbed up the city wall of the city of al-Quds (Jerusalem) and addressed the Muslim army. He told them that they wanted enter into a peace settlement with them on the condition that it would be personally drawn up by their Caliph. Therefore, a letter was sent to the Caliph explaining this proviso and requesting him to come to Palestine.
On receiving this letter, Umar Faruq left Madinah for Bait al-Maqdis with only one slave and one mount. As he left the city, he said to his servant, "We are two and the mount is one. If I ride and you go on foot, I shall be doing you an injustice. And if we both ride, we shall break the camel’s back. So we had better take it in turns to ride. So they alternately rode and went on foot, then they would both go on foot for some time to give the camel some respite. They went on in this way until they were approaching al-Quds, when, by chance, it was the servatn’s turn to ride. The servant declined to sit on the camel’s back so that the Caliph may be on the mount while entering the city. But Umar Faruq did not agree to this. And so the Caliph reached the gates of al-Quds with the servant on the camel’s back and himself on foot. Witnessing this sight, the priests opened the gates and directly made peace with Umar Faruq.
After the completion of the peace treaty, Caliph Umar made a short speech in which he said: ‘O People of Palestine, what is for us is for you. What is not for us is not for you as either."
Caliph Umar’s journey indubitably serves as the most perfect example for all the rulers of the world.

Respect for Humanity:
Amr ibn al-As was the governor of Egypt during the Caliphate of Umar Faruq. One day the governor organized a horse race in which his own son Muhammad ibn Amr ibn al-As, also took part. But in the race, the horse of the governor’s son was beaten by the horse of a Copt, a non-Muslim. The Copt expressed his jubilation and this hurt the governor’s son. He lashed the Copt with his whip, saying, "Take that! I am the son of a nobleman!"
As narrated by Anas ibn Malik, the Copt came from Egypt to Medina and complained to Umar Faruq that the governor’s son had whipped him. Umar asked him to stay in Medina and immediately sent a special emissary to Egypt to bring Amr ibn al-As and his son without delay to Medina, the capital. When they arrived, they were both brought before the Caliph. Then the latter sent for the young Copt and asked him if this was the man who had beaten him. When the Copt replied in the affirmative, the Caliph handed him a whip and asked him to flog his ‘son of a nobleman.’ The Copt did so, and went on flogging him till he felt that justice had been done. Then the Caliph asked him also to flog Amr ibn al-As, the father of the young wrongdoer, as it had been his high status—as Umar explained—which had encouraged the son to take his whip to him. But then the Copt said, "No, I have whipped the person who whipped me, and I wish no more than that."

Umar Faruq said to the Copt: ‘By God! if you had beaten him (the governor) we would not have intervened, until you yourself had stopped beating him. Then Umar Faruq turned to Amr ibn al-As and said: ‘O Amr, since when have you enslaved people who were born free?’ (Ibn Jauzi, Seerah Umar ibn al-Khattab)
This incident serves as the highest example of respect for the ideal of equality. It had the practical effect of ending all kinds of differences between one man and another. It set such an example in human justice as is to date unparalleled.

Selflessness:
As narrated by Abdullah ibn Abbas, when a famine struck Arabia during Abu Bakr’s caliphate, the people were in great distress. Abu Bakr asked them not to become overwrought and told them that God would soon come to their assistance. Sometime later, Uthman’s caravan, consisting of one thousand camels all laden with cereals and other foods, came to Medina, whereupon the merchants came knocking at Uthman’s door. He came out with a shawl on his shoulders.

Uthman (later to becom the third caliph) asked them: "Why have you come here and what do you want from me"" The merchants said, "It has come to our knowledge that one thousand of your camels have arrived here laden with wheat and other foods. We want to buy the goods. If you sell them to us, we shall be able to help the people of Medina who are in dire need of foodstuffs. Uthman told them to come inside his home to talk about it. When they entered, they saw that one thousand bags full of foodstuffs were stacked in his house.

Now the negotiations began. Uthman asked, ‘How much profit will you give me on my merchandise from Syria?" They said, "Twelve dirhams on ten dirhams. Uthman said, "I am getting more profit than this." Then the merchants said, "We will pay fourteen dirhams on ten dirhams. Uthman again said that he was getting a higher price than that. They said, Well, we shall pay fifteen dirhams on ten dirhams. Uthman again replied that he was getting more profit than that. The merchants became curious and asked Uthman, who it was that was giving him more than this since all the merchants of Medina had already gathered there." Then Uthman said to them, "I am getting ten dirhams for one dirham, so can you give me more than this?" They replied in the negative. Then Uthman said to them that God had promised in His Book that "he that does a good deed shall be repaid tenfold" (Q6:160); "so, O merchants of Medina be witness to it that I have given my entire merchandise in charity to the needy people of Medina for the sake of Allah. (Al-Abqariat Islamia, p. 572).

This incident serves as an example of total faith in the promises made by Allah. Belief in Allah produces in man this kind of conviction and trust. And when such confidence and conviction are born within a person, he rises above all worldly interests and considerations. His ambitions become so high that even the greatest of sacrifice is not difficult for him.

Legal equality between the ruler and the ruled:
Ali ibn Abi Talib (the fourth Caliph), wielded great power, being the ruler of a vast empire. But he lived among the people like a common man. Neither was his standard of living different from that of other people nor had he any special legal rights. According to Tirmidhi, Hakim and Abu Nuaym narrated this incident in these words: Hazrat Ali had a zira (coat of armor) which he had lost. One day he went to the market in Kufa, where he found that a non-Muslim was selling a coat of armor. On closer inspection it turned out to be the same coat of armor which he had lost.
Hazrat Ali was at that time ruler of the Muslim empire. If he had so desired, he could have taken possession of that coat of armor right there and then. But he did not consider himself above the law, and merely said to the person concerned that the coat of armor belonged to him and then asked him and in their actions.

The truth is that to come to the Qadi (judge), who would decide between them. At that time Shuraih was the Qadi for Muslims. Shuraih in the capacity of Qadi addressed Ali ibn Abi Talib, "O leader of the believers, what you have to say?" He replied, "This coat of armor is mine, so this should be returned to me. Shuraih then asked the non-Muslim what he had to say. He said that the leader of the believers (Amirul-Muminin) was not telling the truth for the coat of armor was his. Shuraih then said to Ali, "I cannot order the coat of armor to be given to you just because of your claim. You must fetch two witnesses in support of your claim. Ali said that Shuraih’s demand was proper. Then he presented two witnesses, one his slave Qambar and the other, his son, Hasan. The Qadi said that he would accept the testimony of Qambar, but that he would not accept that of Hasan. Ali asked, ‘How is it that you will not accept Hasan as a witness, although according to a hadith the Prophet (Pbuh) said, "Hasan and Husain are leaders of the youths of paradise." Qadi Shuraih said: "That is a different thing. In worldly matters the principle of Islam is that evidence given by children in favor of their fathers is not reliable."

Ali, being the Caliph, had the power to dismiss the Qadi. But he surrendered before the judgement of the Qadi and withdrew his demand with regard to the coat of armor. On seeing this, the Christian was astonished. He exclaimed and made the following declaration: "I bear witness it is by God’s commandments that the leader of the believers (Caliph) comes to the court like a common man and the Qadi may give a verdict against him. I bear witness that there is none worthy of worship save Him; and that Muhammad is the messenger of the Lord. Then he said that the coat of armor really belonged to Ali and that once when it had fallen off Ali’s camel, he I had picked it up. Having heard his admission, Ali gave the coat of armor back to him and also gave him seven hundred dirhams. After embracing Islam, the man remained with Ali until at the battle of Siffin he was martyred (Hayat as-Sahaba, part 1, p. 234-35).
This incident is a telling illustration of the principle that the ruler and the ruled are equal in the eyes of the law. In a court of law both must appear on an equal footing and the legal verdict must be equally binding on them.

Realism:
Hasan ibn Ali) was appointed Caliph after Ali was martyred. Hasan was the fifth caliph of Islamic history. He had all the ethical, moral and Shariah right to remain on the seat of the Caliphate. But as soon as he was appointed, Amir Muawiya, the governor of Syria, revolted against him. On the plea of seeking compensation for the blood of Uthman, he managed to rally a large group of Muslims around him. When Hasan made a review of the situation, he found that he had forty thousand Muslims at his command ready to do battle with Muawiya. But Amir Muawiya also had similar number of Muslims ready to fight to the finish. Hasan then concluded that both sides being Muslims, an outbreak of war meant Muslims fighting Muslims. That is, those precious souls who had gathered under the banner of Islam in order to extirpate idolatry from the face of the world, were on the contrary, bent on extirpating themselves along with the history of Islam as well. Hasan’s position was that of a rightful caliph of Islam, while Muawiya’s was one of rebellion, but Hasan aptly surmised that Amir Muawiya was not willing to surrender at any cost. He would continue to do battle even if it resulted in the large-scale slaughter of Muslim soldiers. Therefore, Hasan himself surrendered in order to save the Muslims from a general massacre. Taking a unilateral decision, he abdicated the caliphate in favor of Muawiya.

This is a high example of realism. Here we find a man on the highest pedestal of realism, a level from where he can think dispassionately, in the real sense of the word. Hasan took this decision objectively, rising above his own self. That is why he was able to take such a momentous decision, which has perhaps no parallel in history. (Due to his abdication, Muslims who were at war with one another, gathered under one flag once again under Muawiya and made progress in many ways which greatly contributed to human advancement.

Justice:
There used to be one hundred security guards placed at the service of the Caliphs preceding Umar ibn Abdul Aziz. However, Umar ibn Abdul Aziz sent them off on various other official assignments and remarked: ‘Destiny will suffice for my security.’ This was the style of living of one whose empire extended from Sindh in India to France in Europe. Once during his caliphate a delegation came to him from Samarqand. They complained of a military general, Qutaybah ibn Muslim al-Bahili, who in total disregard of Islamic principle, and without giving any prior warning, had marched his armies into their city. They had therefore come to seek justice from him. Although the conquest of Samarqand had taken place seven years before, long before he had become caliph, he still considered it necessary to meet the demands of justice.

Umar ibn Abdul Aziz wrote to the governor of Iraq to appoint a special Qadi (judge) to hear the case of the people of Samarqand. The governor carried out his orders without delay and appointed Jami ibn Hazir al-Balili as Qadi. The case was brought to his court. Both the parties freely presented their arguments. After hearing them, the Qadi discovered that the people of Samarqand were justified in their complaints. He therefore gave the verdict that the Muslim army must leave Samarqand, and the fort and all other things must be returned to the local people. Afterwards, following the Islamic principle, the army general would lay before them all the conditions, and only on their refusal to accept these conditions, would the Muslims be allowed to do battle with them.

At that time the Muslim army enjoyed a victorious position. It had even brought the ruler of China to the point of surrender. But when the Qadi gave his verdict, the Muslim army general accepted it without any argument He immediately order the entire army to leave Samarqand. When the people of Samarqand saw how principled and just the Muslims were, they were taken aback for they had never experienced such fair and impartial justice. They felt that the coming of the Muslim army was akin to a divine blessing. And so, before this order could be carried out, they accepted Muslim rule of their own free will and of their own pleasure. They exclaimed: "Welcome, we are your obedient and loyal servants" (Futuhul Buldan lil Belazuri).

This incident presents an example of the Islamic reverence for justice and fair play—the highest of human values—the equal of which is hard to find in the entire human history.


]]> Tue, 16 Oct 2007 16:30:00 EDT http://mallamibro.tigblog.org/post/269163 11.9963889 8.516666711.99638898.5166667 http://mallamibro.tigblog.org/post/263321 Think of what you can do to take our children off drugs
Think of what you can do to take our children off unprotected sex
Think of what you can do to take our children away from the evils of illiteracy
Think of what you can do to take our children away from a life full of hopelessness
Think of what you can do to take our children from forced labour
Think of what you can do to take our children away fro prostitution

Think of what you can do to MAKE THE FUTURE A BETTER ONE FOR THE FUTURE LEADERS OF TOMORROW;
OUR TOMORROW DEPENDS ON WHAT WE DO TODAY,
ACT, AND ACT FAST PLEASE,

NO ACTION IS TOO SMALL

JUST DO SOMETHING]]> Sat, 06 Oct 2007 17:14:00 EDT http://mallamibro.tigblog.org/post/263321 11.9963889 8.516666711.99638898.5166667 http://mallamibro.tigblog.org/post/259337 Go to Sarah's Blog
AT
http://soms82.tigblog.org/post/256255]]> Tue, 25 Sep 2007 11:29:00 EDT http://mallamibro.tigblog.org/post/259337 11.9963889 8.516666711.99638898.5166667 http://mallamibro.tigblog.org/post/250495
The Brooklyn Bridge that spans the river tying Manhattan Island to Brooklyn is truly a miracle bridge. In 1863, a creative engineer named John Roebling was inspired by an idea for this spectacular bridge. However, bridge-building experts throughout the world told him to forget it; it could not be done.

Roebling convinced his son, Washington, who was a young upand coming engineer, that the bridge could be built. The two of them developed the concepts of how it could be accomplished and how the obstacles could be overcome. With un harnessed excitement and inspiration, they hired their crew and began to build their dream bridge.

The project was only a few months under construction when a tragic accident on the site took the life of John Roebling and severely injured his son, Washington. Washington was left with permanent brain damage and was unable to talk or walk. Everyone felt that the project would have to be scrapped since the Roeblings were the only ones who knew how the bridge could be built.

Even though Washington was unable to move or talk, his mind was as sharp as ever, and he still had a burning desire to complete the bridge. An idea hit him as he lay in his hospital bed, and he developed a code for communication. All he could move was one finger, so he touched the arm of his wife with that finger, tapping out the code to communicate to her what to tell the engineers who were building the bridge. For thirteen years, Washington tapped out his instructions with his finger until the spectacular Brooklyn Bridge was finally completed.

]]> Mon, 17 Sep 2007 16:53:00 EDT http://mallamibro.tigblog.org/post/250495 11.9963889 8.516666711.99638898.5166667 http://mallamibro.tigblog.org/post/250493
Somebody said that it couldn't be done, But he with a chuckle replied That maybe it couldn't, but he would be one Who wouldn't say so "till he tried." So he buckled right in with the trace of a grin On his face. If he worried, he hid it. He started to sing as he tackled the thing That couldn't be done, and he did it. Somebody scoffed: "Oh, you'll never do that; At least no one ever has done it." But he took off his coat and took off his hat And the first thing he knew he'd begun it. With the lift of his chin and a bit of a grin, Without any doubting or quiddit, He started to sing as he tackled the thing That couldn't be done, and he did it. There are thousands to tell you it cannot be done, There are thousands to prophesy failure; There are thousands to point out to you, one by one, The dangers that wait to assail you. But just buckle right in with a bit of a grin, Then take off your coat and go to it; Just start in to sing as you tackle the thing That cannot be done, and you'll do it.

]]> Mon, 17 Sep 2007 16:52:00 EDT http://mallamibro.tigblog.org/post/250493 11.9963889 8.516666711.99638898.5166667 http://mallamibro.tigblog.org/post/250491
History abounds with tales of experts who were convinced that the ideas, plans, and projects of others could never be achieved. However, accomplishment came to those who said, "I can make it happen."

The Italian sculptor Agostino d'Antonio worked diligently on a large piece of marble. Unable to produce his desired masterpiece, he lamented, "I can do nothing with it." Other sculptors also worked this difficult piece of marble, but to no avail. Michelangelo discovered the stone and visualized the possibilities in it. His "I-can-make-it-happen" attitude resulted in one of the world's masterpieces - David.

The experts of Spain concluded that Columbus's plans to discover a new and shorter route to the West Indies was virtually impossible. Queen Isabella and King Ferdinand ignored the report of the experts. "I can make it happen," Columbus persisted. And he did. Everyone knew the world was flat, but not Columbus. The Nina, the Pinta, the Santa Maria, along with Columbus and his small band of followers, sailed to "impossible" new lands and thriving resources.

Even the great Thomas Alva Edison discouraged his friend, Henry Ford, from pursuing his fledgling idea of a motorcar. Convinced of the worthlessness of the idea, Edison invited Ford to come and work for him. Ford remained committed and tirelessly pursued his dream. Although his first attempt resulted in a vehicle without reverse gear, Henry Ford knew he could make it happen. And, of course, he did.

"Forget it," the experts advised Madame Curie. They agreed radium was a scientifically impossible idea. However, Marie Curie insisted, "I can make it happen."

Let's not forget our friends Orville and Wilbur Wright. Journalists, friends, armed forces specialists, and even their father laughed at the idea of an airplane. "What a silly and insane way to spend money. Leave flying to the birds," they jeered. "Sorry," the Wright brothers responded. "We have a dream, and we can make it happen." As a result, a place called Kitty Hawk, North Carolina, became the setting for the launching of their "ridiculous" idea.

Finally, as you read these accounts under the magnificent lighting of your environment, consider the plight of Benjamin Franklin. He was admonished to stop the foolish experimenting with lighting. What an absurdity and waste of time! Why, nothing could outdo the fabulous oil lamp. Thank goodness Franklin knew he could make it happen. You too can make it happen!

]]> Mon, 17 Sep 2007 16:48:00 EDT http://mallamibro.tigblog.org/post/250491 11.9963889 8.516666711.99638898.5166667 http://mallamibro.tigblog.org/post/250221 ABSENTMINDEDNESS
The man of the house finally took all the disabled umbrellas to the repairer's. Next morning on his way to his office, when he got up to leave the street car, he absentmindedly laid hold of the umbrella belonging to a woman beside him, for he was in the habit of carrying one. The woman cried "Stop thief!" rescued her umbrella and covered the man with shame and confusion.
That same day, he stopped at the repairer's, and received all eight of his umbrellas duly restored. As he entered a street car, with the unwrapped umbrellas tucked under his arm, he was horrified to behold glaring at him the lady of his morning adventure. Her voice came to him charged with a withering scorn:
"Huh! Had a good day, didn't you!"
* * *
The absentminded inventor perfected a parachute device. He was taken up in a balloon to make a test of the apparatus. Arrived at a height of a thousand feet, he climbed over the edge of the basket, and dropped out. He had fallen two hundred yards when he remarked to himself, in a tone of deep regret:
"Dear me! I've gone and forgotten my umbrella."
* * *
The professor, who was famous for the wool-gathering of his wits, returned home, and had his ring at the door[Pg 30] answered by a new maid. The girl looked at him inquiringly:
"Um—ah—is Professor Johnson at home?" he asked, naming himself.
"No, sir," the maid replied, "but he is expected any moment now."
The professor turned away, the girl closed the door. Then the poor man sat down on the steps to wait for himself.
* * *
The clergyman, absorbed in thinking out a sermon, rounded a turn in the path and bumped into a cow. He swept off his hat with a flourish, exclaiming:
"I beg your pardon, madam."
Then he observed his error, and was greatly chagrined. Soon, however, again engaged with thoughts of the sermon, he collided with a lady at another bend of the path.
"Get out of the way, you brute!" he said.
* * *
The most absent-minded of clergymen was a Methodist minister who served several churches each Sunday, riding from one to another on horseback. One Sunday morning he went to the stable while still meditating on his sermon and attempted to saddle the horse. After a long period of toil, he aroused to the fact that he had put the saddle on himself, and had spent a full half hour in vain efforts to climb on his own back.
[Pg 31]
ACQUAINTANCE
The Scotchman who ran a livery was asked by a tourist as to how many the carryall would hold.
"Fower generally," was the answer. "Likely sax, if they're weel aquaint."
ACTORS
The tragedian had just signed a contract to tour South Africa. He told a friend of it at the club. The friend shook his head dismally.
"The ostrich," he explained in a pitying tone, "lays an egg weighing anywhere from two to four pounds."
ADVERTISING
The editor of the local paper was unable to secure advertising from one of the business men of the town, who asserted stoutly that he himself never read ads., and didn't believe anyone else did.
"Will you advertise if I can convince you that folks read the ads.?" the editor asked.
"If you can show me!" was the sarcastic answer. "But you can't."
In the next issue of the paper, the editor ran a line of small type in an obscure corner. It read:
"What is Jenkins going to do about it?"
The business man, Jenkins, hastened to seek out the editor next day. He admitted that he was being pestered out of his wits by the curious. He agreed to stand by the editor's explanation in the forthcoming issue, and this was:
[Pg 32]
"Jenkins is going to advertise, of course."
Having once advertised, Jenkins advertises still.
AFFECTION
There are as many aspects of grief as there are persons to mourn. A quality of pathetic and rather grisly humor is to be found in the incident of an English laborer, whose little son died. The vicar on calling to condole with the parents found the father pacing to and fro in the living-room with the tiny body in his arms. As the clergyman spoke phrases of sympathy, the father, with tears streaming down his cheeks, interrupted loudly:
"Oh, sir, you don't know how I loved that li'll faller. Yus, sir, if it worn't agin the law, I'd keep him, an' have him stuffed, that I would!"
AGE
The woman confessed to her crony:
"I'm growing old, and I know it. Nowadays, the policeman never takes me by the arm when he escorts me through the traffic."
ALIBI
The mother called in vain for her young son. Then she searched the ground floor, the first story, the second, and the attic—all in vain. Finally, she climbed to the trap door in the roof, pushed it open, and cried:
"John Henry, are you out there?"
An answer came clearly:
"No, mother. Have you looked in the cellar?"
[Pg 33]
AMNESTY
The nurse at the front regarded the wounded soldier with a puzzled frown.
"Your face is perfectly familiar to me," she said, musingly. "But I can't quite place you somehow."
"Let bygones be bygones, mum," the soldier said weakly. "Yes, mum, I was a policeman."
ANATOMY
The little boy, sent to the butcher shop, delivered himself of his message in these words:
"Ma says to send her another ox-tail, please, an' ma says the last one was very nice, an' ma says she wants another off the same ox!"
APPEARANCE
Little Willie came home in a sad state. He had a black eye and numerous scratches and contusions, and his clothes were a sight. His mother was horrified at the spectacle presented by her darling. There were tears in her eyes as she addressed him rebukingly:
"Oh, Willie, Willie! How often have I told you not to play with that naughty Peck boy!"
Little Willie regarded his mother with an expression of deepest disgust.
"Say, ma," he objected, "do I look as if I had been playing with anybody?"
[Pg 34]
* * *
The cross-eyed man at the ball bowed with courtly grace, and said:
"May I have the pleasure of this dance?"
Two wallflowers answered as with one voice:
"With pleasure."
APPETITE
The young man applied to the manager of the entertainment museum for employment as a freak, and the following dialogue occurred:
"Who are you?"
"I am Enoch, the egg king."
"What is your specialty?"
"I eat three dozen hen's eggs, two dozen duck eggs, and one dozen goose eggs, at a single setting."
"Do you know our program?"
"What is it?"
"We give four shows every day."
"Oh, yes, I understand that."
"And do you think you can do it?"
"I know I can."
"On Saturdays we give six shows."
"All right."
"On holidays we usually give a performance every hour."
And now, at last, the young man showed signs of doubt.
[Pg 35]
"In that case, I must have one thing understood before I'd be willing to sign a contract."
"What?"
"No matter what the rush of business is in the show, you've got to give me time to go to the hotel to eat my regular meals."
* * *
Daniel Webster was the guest at dinner of a solicitous hostess who insisted rather annoyingly that he was eating nothing at all, that he had no appetite, that he was not making out a meal. Finally, Webster wearied of her hospitable chatter, and addressed her in his most ponderous senatorial manner:
"Madam, permit me to assure you that I sometimes eat more than at other times, but never less."
* * *
It was shortly after Thanksgiving Day that someone asked the little boy to define the word appetite. His reply was prompt and enthusiastic:
"When you're eating you're 'appy; and when you get through you're tight—that's appetite!"
APPRECIATION
The distinguished actor had a large photograph of Wordsworth prominently displayed in his dressing-room. A friend regarded the picture with some surprise, and remarked:
"I see you are an admirer of Wordsworth."
"Who's Wordsworth?" demanded the actor.
[Pg 36]
"Why, that's his picture," was the answer, as the friend pointed. "That's Wordsworth, the poet."
The actor regarded the photograph with a new interest.
"Is that old file a poet?" he exclaimed in astonishment. "I got him for a study in wrinkles."
ARGUMENT
"Yes, ma'am," the old salt confided to the inquisitive lady, "I fell over the side of the ship, and a shark he come along and grabbed me by the leg."
"Merciful providence!" his hearer gasped. "And what did you do?"
"Let 'im 'ave the leg, o' course, ma'am. I never argues with sharks."
ART
An American tourist and his wife, after their return from abroad, were telling of the wonders seen by them at the Louvre in Paris. The husband mentioned with enthusiasm a picture which represented Adam and Eve and the serpent in the Garden of Eden, in connection with the eating of the forbidden fruit. The wife also waxed enthusiastic, and interjected a remark:
"Yes, we found the picture most interesting, most interesting indeed, because, you see, we know the anecdote."
* * *
The Yankee tourist described glowingly the statue of a beautiful woman which he had seen in an art museum abroad.
[Pg 37]
"And the way she stood, so up and coming, was grand. But," he added, with a tone of disgust, "those foreigners don't know how to spell. The name of the statue was Posish'—and it was some posish, believe me! and the dumb fools spelt it—'Psyche!'"
* * *
"Tell me, does your husband snore?"
"Oh, yes, indeed—so delightfully."
"What?"
"Yes, really—he's so musical you know, his voice is baritone, he only snores operatic bits, mostly Aida."
* * *
The packer from Chicago admired a picture by Rosa Bonheur.
"How much is that?" he demanded. The dealer quoted the price as $5,000.
"Holy pig's feet!" the magnate spluttered. "For that money, I can buy live hogs and——"
His wife nudged him in the ribs, and whispered:
"Don't talk shop."
ATHLETICS
The sister spoke admiringly to the collegian who was calling on her after field day, at which she had been present.
"And how they did applaud when you broke that record!"
Her little brother, who overheard, sniffed indignantly.
"Pa didn't applaud me for the one I broke," he complained. "He licked me."
[Pg 38]
AUTHORS
A woman lion-hunter entertained a dinner party of distinguished authors. These discoursed largely during the meal, and bored one another and more especially their host, who was not literary. To wake himself up, he excused himself from the table with a vague murmur about opening a window, and went out into the hall. He found the footman sound asleep in a chair. He shook the fellow, and exclaimed angrily:
"Wake up! You've been listening at the keyhole."
BABIES
The visiting Englishman, with an eyeglass screwed to his eye, stared in fascinated horror at the ugliest infant he had ever seen, which was in its mother's arms opposite him in the street car. At last, his fixed gaze attracted the mother's attention, then excited her indignation.
"Rubber!" she piped wrathfully.
"Thank God!" exclaimed the Englishman. "I fancied it might be real."
* * *
The teacher had explained to the class that the Indian women are called squaws. Then she asked what name was given to the children?
"Porpoises," came one eager answer.
But a little girl whose father bred pigeons, called excitedly:
"Please, teacher, they're squabs!"
[Pg 39]
BAIT
A gentleman strolling alongside a canal observed an old negro and a colored boy fishing. A moment later, a splash was heard. The boy had fallen into the water. The old darky, however, jumped in after the lad, and succeeded in getting him safely to the bank. There he stood the victim on his head to let the water drain out, and it was at this moment that the gentleman arrived on the scene with profuse expressions of admiration for the prompt rescue.
"It was noble of you," the gentleman declared rather rhetorically, "to plunge into the water in that way at the risk of your life to save the boy. I congratulate you on your brave display of heroic magnanimity."
The old colored man answered with an amiable grin:
"All right, boss. Ah doan know nuffin' 'bout magn'imity. But Ah jess had to git dat boy out de water. He had de bait in his pocket."
BALDNESS
A patient complained to the doctor that his hair was coming out.
"Won't you give me something to keep it in?" he begged.
"Take this," the doctor said kindly, and he handed the patient a pill box.
[Pg 40]
BAPTISM
On the way to the baptism, the baby somehow loosened the stopper of his bottle, with the result that the milk made a frightful mess over the christening robe. The mother was greatly shamed, but she was compelled to hand over the child in its mussed garments to the clergyman at the font.
"What name?" the clergyman whispered.
The agitated mother failed to understand, and thought that he complained of the baby's condition. So she offered explanation in the words:
"Nozzle come off—nozzle come off!"
The clergyman, puzzled, repeated his whisper:
"What name?"
"Nozzle come off—nozzle come off!" The woman insisted, almost in tears.
The clergyman gave it up, and continued the rite:
"Nozzlecomeoff Smithers, I baptize thee in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Ghost."
* * *
The aged negro clergyman announced solemnly from the pulpit:
"Next Sabbath, dar will be a baptism in dis chu'ch, at half-pas' ten in de mawnin'. Dis baptism will be of two adults an' six adulteresses."
[Pg 41]
BAPTISTS
The old colored man left the Methodist Church and joined the Baptist. Soon afterward, he encountered his former pastor, who inquired the reason for his change of sect. The old man explained fully.
"Fust off, I was 'Piscopal, but I hain't learned, an' they done say the service so fast, I nebber could keep up, an' when I come out behin', dey all look, an' I'se 'shamed. So I jined the Methodis'. Very fine church, yes, suh. But dey done has 'Quiry meetin's. An', suh, us cullud folkses can't bear too much 'quirin' into. An' a man says to me, 'Why don't you jine de Baptis'? De Baptis', it's jest dip an' be done wid it! 'An' so I jined."
BASEBALL
The teacher directed the class to write a brief account of a baseball game. All the pupils were busy during the allotted time, except one little boy, who sat motionless, and wrote never a word. The teacher gave him an additional five minutes, calling them off one by one. The fifth minute had almost elapsed when the youngster awoke to life, and scrawled a sentence. It ran thus:
"Rain—no game."
BATTLE
Teacher: "In which of his battles was King Gustavus Adolphus of Sweden slain?"
Pupil: "I'm pretty sure it was the last one."
[Pg 42]
BEARS
The old trapper was chased by a grizzly. When he had thrown away everything he carried, and found, nevertheless, that the bear was gaining rapidly, he determined to make a stand. As he came into a small clearing, he faced about with his back to a stump, and got out and opened his clasp-knife. The bear halted a rod away, and sat on its haunches, surveying its victim gloatingly. The trapper, though not usually given to praying, now improved the interval to offer a petition.
"O God," he said aloud, with his eyes on the bear, "if you're on my side, let my knife git 'im quick in 'is vitals, an' if you're on 'is side, let 'im finish me fust off. But, O God, if you're nootral, you jist sit thar on that stump, an' you'll see the darndest bear fight you ever hearn tell on!"
* * *
The guide introduced a tourist in the Rocky Mountains to an old hunter who was reputed to have slain some hundreds of bears.
"This feller," the guide explained to the hunter, "would like to hear about some of the narrer escapes you've had from bears."
The old mountaineer regarded the tourist with a disapproving stare.
"Young man," he said, "if there's been any narrer escapes, the bears had 'em."
[Pg 43]
BEER
The father of a school boy in New York City wrote to the boy's teacher a letter of complaint. Possibly he welcomed the advent of prohibition—possibly not! Anyhow, the letter was as follows:
"Sir: Will you please for the future give my boy some eesier somes to do at nites. This is what he brought home to me three nites ago. If fore gallins of bere will fill thirty to pint bottles, how many pint and half bottles will nine gallins fill? Well, we tried and could make nothing of it all, and my boy cried and said he wouldn't go back to school without doing it. So, I had to go and buy a nine gallin' keg of bere, which I could ill afford to do, and then we went and borrowed a lot of wine and brandy bottles, beside a few we had by us. Well we emptied the keg into the bottles, and there was nineteen, and my boy put that down for an answer. I don't know whether it is rite or not, as we spilt some in doing it.
P.S.—Please let the next one be water as I am not able to buy any more bere."
* * *
The new soda clerk was a mystery, until he himself revealed his shameful past quite unconsciously by the question he put to the girl who had just asked for an egg-shake.
"Light or dark?" he asked mechanically.
[Pg 44]
BEGGARS
The cultured maid servant announced to her mistress, wife of the profiteer:
"If you please, ma'am, there's a mendicant at the door."
The mistress sniffed contemptuously:
"Tell 'im there's nothin' to mend."
BEGINNERS
A woman visitor to the city entered a taxicab. No sooner was the door closed than the car leaped forward violently, and afterward went racing wildly along the street, narrowly missing collision with innumerable things. The passenger, naturally enough, was terrified. She thrust her head through the open window of the door, and shouted at the chauffeur:
"Please, be careful, sir! I'm nervous. This is the first time I ever rode in a taxi."
The driver yelled in reply, without turning his head:
"That's all right, ma'am. It's the first time I ever drove one!"
BETROTHAL
The cook, Nora, had announced her engagement to a frequenter at the kitchen, named Mike. But a year passed and nothing was heard of the nuptials. So, one day, the mistress inquired:
[Pg 45]
"When are you to be married, Nora?"
"Indade, an' it's niver at all, I'll be thinkin', mum," the cook answered sadly.
"Really? Why, what is the trouble?"
The reply was explicit:
"'Tis this, mum. I won't marry Mike when he's drunk, an' he won't marry me when he's sober."
* * *
The delinquent laggard swain had been telling of his ability as a presiding officer. The girl questioned him:
"What is the parliamentary phrase when you wish to call for a vote?"
The answer was given with proud certainty:
"Are you ready for the question?"
"Yes, dearest," the girl confessed shyly. "Go ahead."
BIGAMY
What is the penalty for bigamy?
Two mothers-in-law.
* * *
The man was weak and naturally unlucky, and so he got married three times inside of a year. He was convicted and sentenced for four years. He seemed greatly relieved. As the expiration of his term grew near, he wrote from the penitentiary to his lawyer, with the plaintive query:
"Will it be safe for me to come out?"
[Pg 46]
BIRTH
The little girl in the zoölogical park tossed bits of a bun to the stork, which gobbled them greedily, and bobbed its head toward her for more.
"What kind of a bird is it, mamma?" the child asked.
The mother read the placard, and answered that it was a stork.
"O-o-o-h!" the little girl cried, as her eyes rounded. "Of course, it recognized me!"
BLESSING
The philosopher, on being interrupted in his thoughts by the violent cackling of a hen that had just laid an egg, was led to express his appreciation of a kind Providence by which a fish while laying a million eggs to a hen's one, does so in a perfectly quiet and ladylike manner.
BLIND
A shopkeeper with no conscience put by his door a box with a slit in the cover and a label reading, "For the Blind." A month later, the box disappeared. When some one inquired concerning it, the shopkeeper chuckled, and pointed to the window.
"I collected enough," he explained. "There's the new blind."
[Pg 47]
BLINDNESS
The sympathetic and inquisitive old lady at the seashore was delighted and thrilled by an old sailor's narrative of how he was washed overboard during a gale and was only rescued after having sunk for the third time.
"And, of course," she commented brightly, "after you sank the third time, your whole past life passed before your eyes."
"I presoom as how it did, mum," the sailor agreed. "But bein' as I had my eyes shut, I missed it."
BLOCKHEAD
The recruit complained to the sergeant that he'd got a splinter in his finger.
"Ye should have more sinse," was the harsh comment, "than to scratch your head."
BONE OF CONTENTION
The crowd in the car was packed suffocatingly close. The timid passenger thought of pickpockets, and thrust his hand into his pocket protectingly. He was startled to encounter the fist of a fat fellow-passenger.
"I caught you that time!" the fat man hissed.
"Thief yourself!" snorted the timid passenger. "Leggo!"
"Scoundrel!" shouted the fat man.
[Pg 48]
"Help! Stop thief!" the little fellow spluttered, trying to wrench his hand from the other's clasp. As the car halted, the tall man next the two disputants spoke sharply:
"I want to get off here, if you dubs will be good enough to take your hands out of my pocket."
* * *
During the Civil War, an old negro was deeply interested in the conflict, but showed no sign of wishing to take part in it. A white man questioned him one day:
"The men of the North and South are killing one another on your account. Why don't you pitch in and fight yourself?"
"Has you-all ever seen two dogs fightin' over a bone?" the negro demanded.
"Many times, of course," was the answer.
The old negro chuckled as he said:
"Did you ever see de bone fight?"
"Well!—no!"
"Dat's all! I'se de bone."
BREAKFAST
The Southern Colonel at Saratoga Springs, in the days before prohibition, directed the colored waiter at his table in the hotel:
"You-all kin bring me a Kentucky breakfast."
"An' what is that, sir?" the waiter inquired doubtfully.
The Colonel explained:
[Pg 49]
"Bring me a big steak, a bulldog and a quart of Bourbon whiskey."
"But why do you order a bulldog?" asked the puzzled waiter.
"To eat the steak, suh!" snapped the Colonel.
BREVITY
The best illustration of the value of brief speech reckoned in dollars was given by Mark Twain. His story was that when he had listened for five minutes to the preacher telling of the heathen, he wept, and was going to contribute fifty dollars, after ten minutes more of the sermon, he reduced the amount of his prospective contribution to twenty-five dollars, after half an hour more of eloquence, he cut the sum to five dollars. At the end of an hour of oratory when the plate was passed, he stole two dollars.
BRIBERY
A thriving baseball club is one of the features of a boy's organization connected with a prominent church. The team was recently challenged by a rival club. The pastor gave a special contribution of five dollars to the captain, with the direction that the money should be used to buy bats, balls, gloves, or anything else that might help to win the game. On the day of the game, the pastor was somewhat surprised to observe nothing new in the club's paraphernalia. He called the captain to him.
[Pg 50]
"I don't see any new bats, or balls, or gloves," he said.
"We haven't anything like that," the captain admitted.
"But I gave you five dollars to buy them," the pastor exclaimed.
"Well, you see," came the explanation, "you told us to spend it for bats, or balls, or gloves, or anything that we thought might help to win the game, so we gave it to the umpire."
BRUTALITY
Two ladies in a car disputed concerning the window, and at last called the conductor as referee.
"If this window is open," one declared, "I shall catch cold, and will probably die."
"If the window is shut," the other announced, "I shall certainly suffocate." The two glared at each other.
The conductor was at a loss, but he welcomed the words of a man with a red nose who sat near. These were:
"First, open the window, conductor. That will kill one. Next, shut it. That will kill the other. Then we can have peace."
BURGLARY
A young couple that had received many valuable wedding presents established their home in a suburb. One[Pg 51] morning they received in the mail two tickets for a popular show in the city, with a single line:
"Guess who sent them."
The pair had much amusement in trying to identify the donor, but failed in the effort. They duly attended the theatre, and had a delightful time. On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of value. And on the bare table in the dining-room was a piece of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets:
"Now you know!"
CANDOR
Jeanette was wearing a new frock when her dearest friend called.
"I look a perfect fright," she remarked, eager for praise.
The dearest friend was thinking of her own affairs, and answered absent-mindedly:
"Yes, you certainly do."
"Oh, you horrid thing!" Jeanette gasped. "I'll never—never speak to you again!"
CALMNESS
In Bret Harte's Mary McGillup, there is a notable description of calmness in most trying circumstances.
"'I have the honor of addressing the celebrated Rebel spy, Miss McGillup?'" asked the vandal officer.
[Pg 52]
"In a moment I was perfectly calm. With the exception of slightly expectorating twice in the face of the minion I did not betray my agitation."
CARDS
A Tennessee farmer went to town and bought a gallon jug of whiskey. He left it in the grocery store, and tagged it with a five of hearts from the deck in his pocket, on which he wrote his name. When he returned two hours later, the jug was gone. He demanded an explanation from the grocer.
"Simple enough," was the reply. "Jim Slocum come along with a six of hearts, an' jist nacherly took thet thar jug o' yourn."
CARELESSNESS
The housemaid, tidying the stairs the morning after a reception, found lying there one of the solid silver teaspoons.
"My goodness gracious!" she exclaimed, as she retrieved the piece of silver. "Some one of the company had a hole in his pocket."
CATERPILLARS
The small boy sat at the foot of a telegraph pole, with a tin can in his hands. The curious old gentleman gazed first at the lad and then at the can, much perplexed.
[Pg 53]
"Caterpillars!" he ejaculated. "What are you doing with them?"
"They climb trees and eat the leaves," the boy explained.
"Yes?"
"And so," the boy continued proudly, "I'm foolin' this bunch by lettin' 'em climb the telegraph pole."
CATS
Clarence, aged eight, was a member of the Band of Mercy, of his Sunday School, which was a miniature society for the prevention of cruelty to animals. The badge was a small star, and Clarence wore this with as much pride as ever a policeman had in his shield. He displayed eagerness in the work, and grew somewhat unpopular with the other boys and girls by reason of his many rebukes for their harsh treatment of animals. But one morning his mother, on looking out of the window, observed to her horror that the erstwhile virtuous Clarence had the family cat by the tail, and was swinging it to and fro with every evidence of glee. In fact, it had been the wailing of the outraged beast that had caused the mother to look out.
"Why, Clarence!" she cried, aghast. "What are you doing to that poor cat? And you a member of the Band of Mercy!"
Little Clarence released the cat, but he showed no shame as he explained:
"I was—but I lost my star."
[Pg 54]
* * *
The teacher put a question to the class:
"What does a cat have that no other animal has?"
A number cried in unison:
"Fur!"
But an objector raised the point that bears and skunks have fur. One pupil raised an eager hand:
"I know, teacher—whiskers!"
But another objector laughed scornfully.
"Haw-haw! My papa has whiskers!"
The suggester of whiskers defended her idea by declaring: "My papa ain't got whiskers."
"'Cause he can't!" the objector sneered. "Haw-haw! Your pa ain't no good. My pa says——"
The teacher rapped for order, and repeated her question. A little girl raised her hand, and at the teacher's nod spoke timidly.
"Kittens!"
* * *
The little girl returned from church deeply musing on the sermon, in which the preacher had declared that animals, lacking souls, could not go to heaven. As the result of her meditation, she presented a problem to the family at the dinner table, when she asked earnestly:
"If cats don't go to heaven, where do the angels get the strings for their harps?"
CHARITY
"Oh, mamma," questioned the child, "who's that?" He pointed to a nun who was passing.
"A Sister of Charity," was the answer.
"Which one," the boy persisted, "Faith or Hope?"
[Pg 55]
CHICKEN-STEALING
The Southern planter heard a commotion in his poultry house late at night. With shot gun in hand, he made his way to the door, flung it open and curtly ordered:
"Come out of there, you ornery thief!"
There was silence for a few seconds, except for the startled clucking of the fowls. Then a heavy bass voice boomed out of the darkness:
"Please, Colonel, dey ain't nobody here 'cept jes' us chickens!"
CHRISTIANITY
A shipwrecked traveler was washed up on a small island. He was terrified at thought of cannibals, and explored with the utmost stealth. Discovering a thin wisp of smoke above the scrub, he crawled toward it fearfully, in apprehension that it might be from the campfire of savages. But as he came close, a voice rang out sharply:
"Why in hell did you play that card?" The castaway, already on his knees, raised his hands in devout thanksgiving.
"Thank God!" he exclaimed brokenly. "They are Christians!"
CHRISTMAS
A political boss wished to show his appreciation of the services of a colored man who possessed considerable[Pg 56] influence. He suggested to the darky for a Christmas present the choice between a ton of coal and a jug of the best whiskey.
The colored man spoke to the point:
"Ah burns wood."
* * *
Santa Claus inserted an upright piano, a fur dolman, a Ford, and a few like knick-knacks in the Chicago girl's stocking. When he saw that it was not yet half filled, he withdrew to the roof, plumped down on the snow, and wept bitterly.
CHURCH
The young members of the family had been taught to be punctilious in contributing to the collection at church. One Sunday morning, when the boxes were being passed, James, aged six, ran his eye over those in the pew, and noticed that a guest of his sister had no coin in her hand. "Where is your money?" he whispered. She answered that she hadn't any. But James was equal to the emergency:
"Here, take mine," he directed. "That'll pay for you. I'll get under the seat."
Which he did.
* * *
The old negro attended a service in the Episcopal Church for the first time in his life. Someone asked him afterward how he had enjoyed the experience.
"Not much, shohly not much," he declared, shaking his[Pg 57] head. "Dat ain't no church for me. No' suh! Dey wastes too much time readin' the minutes ob the previous meetin'."
CLEANLINESS
The little boy was clad in an immaculate white suit for the lawn party, and his mother cautioned him strictly against soiling it. He was scrupulous in his obedience, but at last he approached her timidly, and said:
"Please, mother, may I sit on my pants?"
* * *
The mother catechised her young son just before the hour for the arrival of the music teacher.
"Have you washed your hands very carefully?"
"Yes, mother."
"And have you washed your face thoroughly?"
"Yes, mother."
"And were you particular to wash behind your ears?"
"On her side I did, mother."
COMMUNITY
The young man at the summer resort, who had become engaged to the pretty girl, received information that led him to question her:
"Is it true that since you came up here you've got engaged to Billy, Ed, George and Harry, as well as me?"
The young lady assumed an air of disdain.
"What is that to you?" she demanded.
[Pg 58]
"Just this," he replied gently. "If it's so, and you have no objection, we fellows will all chip in together to buy an engagement ring."
COMPENSATION
Isaac and Moses dined in a restaurant that was new to them, and were pained seriously by the amount of the check. Moses began to expostulate in a loud voice, but Isaac hushed him with a whisper:
"'Sh! I haf the spoons in my pocket."
COMPLIMENTS
"Would you like a lock of my hair?" asked the gallant old bachelor of the spinster who had been a belle a few decades past.
"Why don't you offer me the whole wig?" the maiden lady gibed, with a titter.
The bachelor retorted with icy disdain:
"You are very biting, madam, considering that your teeth are porcelain."
* * *
The young man, dancing with the girl to whom he had just been introduced, remarked with the best of intentions, but rather unfortunately:
"That's the new waltz. My sister was raving about it. I think it's pretty bad. I expect she danced it with somebody rather nice."
[Pg 59]
* * *
In former times, when royalties were more important, a lady at a court ball was intensely gratified when a prince selected her as a partner. She was almost overwhelmed with pride when he danced a second measure with her.
"Oh," she gushed, as she reposed blissfully in his arms, "your highness does me too great honor."
The prince answered coldly:
"But no, madam. Merely, my physician has directed me to perspire."
CONCEALMENT
The widow was deep in suds over the family wash, when she saw her pastor coming up the path to the door. She gave directions to her young son to answer the bell, and to tell the clergyman that his mother had just gone down the street on an errand. Since the single ground floor room of the cottage offered no better hiding place against observation from the door, she crouched behind a clothes-horse hung with drying garments. When the boy had opened the door to the minister, and had duly delivered the message concerning his mother's absence, the reverend gentleman cast a sharp look toward the screen of drying clothes, and addressed the boy thus:
"Well, my lad, just tell your mother I called. And you might say to her that the next time she goes down the street, she should take her feet along."
[Pg 60]
CONCEIT
"I suppose I must admit that I do have my faults," the husband remarked in a tone that was far from humble.
"Yes," the wife snapped, "and in your opinion your faults are better than other folks' virtues."
CONSCIENCE
The child had been greatly impressed by her first experience in Sunday school. She pressed her hands to her breast, and said solemnly to her sister, two years older:
"When you hear something wite here, it is conscience whispering to you."
"It's no such thing," the sister jeered. "That's just wind on your tummie."
CONSTANCY
His companion bent over the dying man, to catch the last faintly whispered words. The utterance came with pitiful feebleness, yet with sufficient clearness:
"I am dying—yes. Go to Fannie. Tell her—I died—with her name—on my lips, that I—loved her—her alone—always ... And Jennie—tell Jennie—the same thing."
[Pg 61]
CONVERSION
A zealous church member in a Kentucky village made an earnest effort to convert a particularly vicious old mountaineer named Jim, who was locally notorious for his godlessness. But the old man was hard-headed and stubborn, firmly rooted in his evil courses, so that he resisted the pious efforts in his behalf.
"Jim," the exhorter questioned sadly at last, "ain't you teched by the story of the Lord what died to save yer soul?"
"Humph!" Jim retorted contemptuously. "Air ye aimin' to tell me the Lord died to save me, when He ain't never seed me, ner knowed me?"
"Jim," the missionary explained with fervor, "it was a darn sight easier for the Lord to die fer ye jest because He never seed ye than if He knowed ye as well as we-alls do!"
COOKERY
The housewife gave the tramp a large piece of pie on condition that he should saw some wood. The tramp retired to the woodshed, but presently he reappeared at the back door of the house with the piece of pie still intact save for one mouthful bitten from the end.
"Madam," he said respectfully to the wondering woman, "if it's all the same to you, I'll eat the wood, and saw the pie."
[Pg 62]
COURTESY
The witness was obviously a rustic and quite new to the ways of a court-room. So, the judge directed him:
"Speak to the jury, sir—the men sitting behind you on the benches."
The witness turned, bowed clumsily and said:
"Good-morning, gentlemen."
COWARDICE
The old farmer and his wife visited the menagerie. When they halted before the hippopotamus cage, he remarked admiringly:
"Darn'd curi's fish, ain't it, ma?"
"That ain't a fish," the wife announced. "That's a rep-tile."
It was thus that the argument began. It progressed to a point of such violence that the old lady began belaboring the husband with her umbrella. The old man dodged and ran, with the wife in pursuit. The trainer had just opened the door of the lions' cage, and the farmer popped in. He crowded in behind the largest lion and peered over its shoulder fearfully at his wife, who, on the other side of the bars, shook her umbrella furiously.
"Coward!" she shouted. "Coward!"
[Pg 63]
CURIOSITY
The colored man, passing through the market, saw a turtle for the first time, and surveyed it with great interest. The creature's head was withdrawn, but as the investigator fumbled about the shell, it shot forward and nipped his finger. With a howl of pain he stuck his finger in his mouth, and sucked it.
"What's the matter?" the fishmonger asked with a grin.
"Nothin'—jest nothin' a tall," the colored man answered thickly. "Ah was only wonderin' whether Ah had been bit or stung."
DAMAGES
The child came to his mother in tears.
"Oh, mama," he confessed, "I broke a tile in the hearth."
"Never mind, dear," the mother consoled. "But how ever did you come to do it?"
"I was pounding it with father's watch?"
DANGER
One foot in the grave, and the other slipping.
DEAD CERTAINTY
On Tuesday, a colored maid asked her mistress for permission to be absent on the coming Friday. She [Pg 64]explained that she wished to attend the funeral of her fiancé. The mistress gave the required permission sympathetically.
"But you're not wearing mourning, Jenny," she remarked.
"Oh, no, ma'am," the girl replied. "You see, ma'am, he ain't dead yet. The hanging ain't till Friday."
DEAD MEN'S SHOES
When a certain officer of the governor's staff died, there were many applicants for the post, and some were indecently impatient. While the dead colonel was awaiting burial, one aspirant buttonholed the governor, asking:
"Would you object to my taking the place of the colonel?"
"Not at all," the governor replied tartly. "See the undertaker."
DEAFNESS
In the smoking-room of a theatre, between the acts, an amiable young man addressed an elderly gentleman who was seated beside him:
"The show is very good, don't you think?"
The old gentleman nodded approvingly, as he replied:
"Me, I always take the surface cars. Them elevated an' subway stairs ketches my breath."
[Pg 65]
"I said the show was a good one," exclaimed the young man, raising his voice.
Again, the elderly person nodded agreeably.
"They jump about a good deal," was his comment, "but they're on the ground, which the others ain't."
Now, the young man shouted:
"You're a little deaf, ain't you?"
At last the other understood.
"Yes, sir!" he announced proudly. "I'm as deef as a post." He chuckled contentedly. "Some folks thinks as that's a terrible affliction, but I don't. I kin always hear what I'm sayin' myself, an' that's interestin' enough for me."
* * *
An excellent old gentleman grew hard of hearing, and was beset with apprehension lest he become totally deaf. One day, as he rested on a park bench, another elderly citizen seated himself alongside. The apprehensive old gentleman saw that the new comer was talking rapidly, but his ears caught no faintest sound of the other's voice. He listened intently—in vain. He cupped a hand to his ear, but there was only silence. At last, in despair, he spoke his thought aloud:
"It's come at last! I know you've been talking all this while, but I haven't heard a single word."
The answer, given with a grin, was explicit and satisfying to the worried deaf man:
"I hain't been talkin'—jest a-chewin'."
[Pg 66]
DEDICATION
The visitor to the poet's wife expressed her surprise that the man of genius had failed to dedicate any one of his volumes to the said wife. Whereupon, said wife became flustered, and declared tartly:
"I never thought of that. As soon as you are gone, I'll look through all his books, and if that's so, I never will forgive him!"
DEFINITION
The schoolboy, after profound thought, wrote this definition of the word "spine," at his teacher's request.
"A spine is a long, limber bone. Your head sets on one end and you set on the other."
DEGREES IN DEGRADATION
Phil May, the artist, when once down on his luck in Australia, took a job as waiter in a very low-class restaurant. An acquaintance came into the place to dine, and was aghast when he discovered the artist in his waiter.
"My God!" he whispered. "To find you in such a place as this."
Phil May smiled, as he retorted:
"Oh, but, you see, I don't eat here."
[Pg 67]
DELAY
A woman in the mountains of Tennessee was seated in the doorway of the cabin, busily eating some pig's feet. A neighbor hurried up to tell of how her husband had become engaged in a saloon brawl and had been shot to death. The widow continued munching on a pig's foot in silence while she listened to the harrowing news. As the narrator paused, she spoke thickly from her crowded mouth:
"Jest wait till I finish this-here pig's trotter, an' ye'll hear some hollerin' as is hollerin'."
DEVIL
Some wasps built their nests during the week in a Scotch clergyman's best breeches. On the Sabbath as he warmed up to his preaching, the wasps, too, warmed up, with the result that presently the minister was leaping about like a jack in the box, and slapping his lower anatomy with great vigor, to the amazement of the congregation.
"Be calm, brethren," he shouted. "The word of God is in my mouth, but the De'il's in my breeches!"
DIET
The young lady, who was something of a food fadist, was on a visit to a coast fishing village. She questioned her host as to the general diet of the natives, and was[Pg 68] told that they subsisted almost entirely on fish. The girl protested:
"But fish is a brain food, and these folks are really the most unintelligent-looking that I ever saw."
"Mebbe so," the host agreed. "And just think what they'd look like if they didn't eat fish!"
DIGESTION
In an English school, the examiner asked one of the children to name the products of the Indian Empire. The child was well prepared, but very nervous.
"Please, sir," the answer ran, "India produces curries and pepper and rice and citron and chutney and—and——"
There was a long pause. Then, as the first child remained silent, a little girl raised her hand. The examiner nodded.
"Yes, you may name any other products of India."
"Please, sir," the child announced proudly, "India-gestion."
DIPLOMACY
"Now, let me see," the impecunious man demanded as he buttonholed an acquaintance, "do I owe you anything?"
"Not a penny, my dear sir," was the genial reply. "You are going about paying your little debts?"
"No, I'm going about to see if I've overlooked anybody? Lend me ten till Saturday."
[Pg 69]
* * *
Ted had a habit of dropping in at the house next door on baking day, for the woman of that house had a deft way in the making of cookies, and Ted had no hesitation in enjoying her hospitality, even to the extent of asking for cookies if they were not promptly forthcoming.
When the boy's father learned of this, he gave Ted a lecture and a strict order never to ask for cookies at the neighbor's kitchen. So, when a few days later the father saw his son munching a cookie as he came away from the next house, he spoke sternly:
"Have you been begging cookies again?"
"Oh, no, I didn't beg any," Ted answered cheerfully. "I just said, this house smells as if it was full of cookies. But what's that to me?"
* * *
Sometimes the use of a diplomatic method defeats its own purpose, as in the case of the old fellow who was enthusiastic in praise of the busy lawyer from whose office he had just come, after a purely social call.
"That feller, for a busy man," he declared earnestly, "is one of the pleasantest chaps I ever did meet. Why, I dropped in on him jest to pass the time o' day this mornin', an' I hadn't been chattin' with 'im more'n five minutes before he'd told me three times to come and see 'im agin."
* * *
The lady of uncertain age simpered at the gentleman of about the same age who had offered her his seat in the car.
"Why should you be so kind to me?" she gurgled.
"My dear madam, because I myself have a mother and a wife and a daughter."
[Pg 70]
* * *
Diplomacy is shown inversely by the remark of the professor to the lady in this story.
At a reception the woman chatted for some time with the distinguished man of learning, and displayed such intelligence that one of the listeners complimented her.
"Oh, really," she said with a smile, "I've just been concealing my ignorance."
The professor spoke gallantly.
"Not at all, not at all, my dear madam! Quite the contrary, I do assure you."
DIRT
We are more particular nowadays about cleanliness than were those of a past generation. Charles Lamb, during a whist game, remarked to his partner:
"Martin, if dirt were trumps, what a hand you'd have!"
* * *
The French aristocrats were not always conspicuously careful in their personal habits. A visitor to a Parisian grande dame remarked to her hostess:
"But how dirty your hands are."
The great lady regarded her hands doubtfully, as she replied:
"Oh, do you think so? Why, you ought to see my feet!"
DISCIPLINE
Jimmy found much to criticise in his small sister. He felt forced to remonstrate with his mother.
[Pg 71]
"Don't you want Jenny to be a good wife like you when she grows up?" he demanded. His mother nodded assent.
"Then you better get busy, ma. You make me give into her all the time 'cause I'm bigger 'en she is. You're smaller 'en pa, but when he comes in, you bring him his slippers, and hand him the paper." Jimmie yanked his go-cart from baby Jennie, and disregarded her wail of anger as he continued:
"Got to dis'pline her, or she'll make an awful wife!"
DISCRETION
The kindly and inquisitive old gentleman was interested in the messenger boy who sat on the steps of a house, and toyed delicately with a sandwich taken from its wrapper. With the top piece of bread carefully removed, the boy picked out and ate a few small pieces of the chicken. The puzzled observer questioned the lad:
"Now, sonny, why don't you eat your sandwich right down, instead of fussing with it like that?"
The answer was explicit:
"Dasn't! 'Tain't mine."
DIVORCE
The court was listening to the testimony of the wife who sought a divorce.
"Tell me explicitly," the judge directed the woman, "what fault you have to find with your husband."
[Pg 72]
And the wife was explicit:
"He is a liar, a brute, a thief and a brainless fool!"
"Tut, tut!" the judge remonstrated. "I suspect you would find difficulty in proving all your assertions."
"Prove it!" was the retort. "Why, everybody knows it."
"If you knew it," his honor demanded sarcastically, "why did you marry him?"
"I didn't know it before I married him."
The husband interrupted angrily:
"Yes, she did, too," he shouted. "She did so!"
DOCTORS
A victim of chronic bronchitis called on a well-known physician to be examined. The doctor, after careful questioning, assured the patient that the ailment would respond readily to treatment.
"You're so sure," the sufferer inquired, "I suppose you must have had a great deal of experience with this disease."
The physician smiled wisely, and answered in a most confidential manner:
"Why, my dear sir, I've had bronchitis myself for more than fifteen years."
* * *
A well-to-do colored man suffered a serious illness, and showed no signs of improvement under treatment by a physician of his own race. So, presently, he dismissed this doctor and summoned a white man. The new [Pg 73]physician made a careful examination of the patient, and then asked:
"Did that other doctor take your temperature?"
The sick man shook his head doubtfully.
"I dunno, suh," he declared, "I sartinly dunno. All I've missed so far is my watch."
* * *
A member of the faculty in a London medical college was appointed an honorary physician to the king. He proudly wrote a notice, on the blackboard in his class-room:
"Professor Jennings informs his students that he has been appointed honorary physician to His Majesty, King George."
When he returned to the class-room in the afternoon he found written below his notice this line:
"God save the King."
* * *
The Chinaman expressed his gratitude to that mighty physician Sing Lee, as follows:
"Me velly sick man. Me get Doctor Yuan Sin. Takee him medicine. Velly more sick. Me get Doctor Hang Shi. Takee him medicine. Velly bad—think me go die. Me callee Doctor Kai Kon. Him busy—no can come. Me get well."
* * *
The instructor in the Medical College exhibited a diagram.
"The subject here limps," he explained, "because one leg is shorter than the other." He addressed one of the students:
[Pg 74]
"Now, Mr. Snead, what would you do in such a case?"
Young Snead pondered earnestly and replied with conviction:
"I fancy, sir, that I should limp, too."
* * *
The physician turned from the telephone to his wife:
"I must hurry to Mrs. Jones' boy—he's sick."
"Is it serious?"
"Yes. I don't know what's the matter with him, but she has a book on what to do before the doctor comes. So I must hurry. Whatever it is, she mustn't do it."
DOCTRINE
In a former generation, when elaborate doctrines were deemed more important by Christian clergymen than they are to-day, they were prone to apply every utterance of the Bible to the demonstration of their own particular tenets. For example, one distinguished minister announced his text and introduced his sermon as follows:
"'So, Mephibosheth dwelt in Jerusalem, for he did eat at the King's table, and he was lame on both his feet.'
"My brethren, we are here taught the doctrine of human depravity.—Mephibosheth was lame. Also the doctrine of total depravity—he was lame on both his feet. Also the doctrine of justification—for he dwelt in Jerusalem. Fourth, the doctrine of adoption—'he did eat at the King's table.' Fifth, the doctrine of the[Pg 75] perseverance of the saints—for we read that 'he did eat at the King's table continually.'"
DOCUMENTARY EVIDENCE
During the worst of the spy-scare period in London a man was brought into the police station, who declared indignantly that he was a well-known American citizen. But his captor denounced him as a German, and offered as proof the hotel register, which he had brought along. He pointed to the signature of the accused. It read:
"V. Gates."
DOGS
The tramp was sitting with his back to a hedge by the wayside, munching at some scraps wrapped in a newspaper. A lady, out walking with her pet Pomeranian, strolled past. The little dog ran to the tramp, and tried to muzzle the food. The tramp smiled expansively on the lady.
"Shall I throw the leetle dog a bit, mum?" he asked.
The lady was gratified by this appearance of kindly interest in her pet, and murmured an assent. The tramp caught the dog by the nape of the neck and tossed it over the hedge, remarking:
"And if he comes back, mum, I might throw him a bit more."
* * *
Many a great man has been given credit as originator of this cynical sentiment:
"The more I see of men, the more I respect dogs."
[Pg 76]
* * *
The fox terrier regarded with curious interest the knot tied in the tail of the dachshund.
"What's the big idea?" he inquired.
"That," the dachshund answered, "is a knot my wife tied to make me remember an errand."
The fox terrier wagged his stump of tail thoughtfully.
"That," he remarked at last, "must be the reason I'm so forgetful."
* * *
During the siege of Paris in the Franco-German war, when everybody was starving, one aristocratic family had their pet dog served for dinner. The master of the house, when the meal was ended, surveyed the platter through tear-dimmed eyes, and spoke sadly:
"How Fido would have enjoyed these bones!"
* * *
The young clergyman during a parochial call noticed that the little daughter of the hostess was busy with her slate while eying him closely from time to time.
"And what are you doing, Clara?" he asked, with his most engaging smile.
"I'm drawing a picture of you," was the answer.
The clerical visitor sat very still to facilitate the work of the artist. But, presently, Clara shook her head in discouragement.
"I don't like it much," she confessed. "I guess I'll put a tail on it, and call it a dog."
* * *
The meditative Hollander delivered a monologue to his dog:
[Pg 77]
"You vas only a dog, but I vish I vas you. Ven you go your bed in, you shust turn round dree times and lie down; ven I go de bed in, I haf to lock up the blace, and vind up de clock, and put out de cat, and undress myself, and my vife vakes up and scolds, and den de baby vakes and cries and I haf to valk him de house around, and den maybe I get myself to bed in time to get up again.
"Ven you get up you shust stretch yourself, dig your neck a little, and you vas up. I haf to light de fire, put on de kiddle, scrap some vit my vife, and get myself breakfast. You be lays round all day and haf blenty of fun. I haf to vork all day and have blenty of drubble. Ven you die, you vas dead; ven I die, I haf to go somewhere again."
* * *
Some persons are born to have honor thrust upon them, and such is obviously the case of the actor named in this story.
The colored maid of an actress took out for exercise her mistress's dog, a splendid St. Bernard. A passer-by admired the animal, and inquired as to the breed. The maid said:
"I doan jes' zactly know mahself, but I dun hear my missis say he am a full-blood Sam Bernard."
DOMESTIC QUARRELS
After a trip abroad, a lady inquired of her colored washerwoman:
"Lucy, do you and your husband quarrel now the same as you used to?"
[Pg 78]
"No, indeed, ma'am," was the reply.
"That is good. I'm sure you're very glad of it, aren't you?"
"Ah sho'ly is."
"What caused you to stop quarreling, Lucy?" the lady asked.
The explanation was simple and sufficient:
"He died."
* * *
The newly married pair quarreled seriously, so that the wife in a passion finally declared:
"I'm going home to my mother!"
The husband maintained his calm in the face of this calamity, and drew out his pocketbook.
"Here," he said, counting out some bills, "is the money for your railroad fare."
The wife took it, and counted it in her turn. Then she faced her husband scornfully:
"But that isn't enough for a return ticket."
* * *
The good wife, after she and her husband had retired for the night, discoursed for a long time with much eloquence. When she was interrupted by a snore from her spouse, she thumped the sleeper into wakefulness, and then remarked:
"John, do you know what I think of a man who will go to sleep while his own wife is a-talkin' to him?"
"Well, now, I believe as how I do, Martha," was the drowsily uttered response. "But don't let that stop you. Go right ahead, an' git it off your mind."
[Pg 79]
DOUBT
Small Jimmie discussed with his chief crony the minister's sermon which had dealt with the sheep and the goats.
"Me," he concluded, "I don't know which I am. Mother calls me her lamb, and father calls me kid."
* * *
Ability to look on two sides of a question is usually a virtue, but it may degenerate into a vice. Thus, a visitor found his bachelor friend glumly studying an evening waistcoat. When inquiry was made, this explanation was forthcoming:
"It's quite too soiled to wear, but really, it's not dirty enough to go to the laundry. I can't make up my mind just what I should do about it."
DRAMA
The new play was a failure. After the first act, many left the theatre; at the end of the second, most of the others started out. A cynical critic as he rose from his aisle seat raised a restraining hand.
"Wait!" he commanded loudly. "Women and children first!"
DREAMS
The group of dwellers at the seaside was discussing the subject of dreams and their significance. During a[Pg 80] pause, one of the party turned to a little girl who had sat listening intently, and asked:
"Do you believe that dreams come true?"
"Of course, they do," the child replied firmly. "Last night I dreamed that I went paddling—and I had!"
DRESS
"Oh, have you heard? Mrs. Blaunt died to-day while trying on a new dress."
"How sad! What was it trimmed with?"
* * *
The son of the house had been reading of an escaped lunatic.
"How do they catch lunatics?" he asked.
The father, who had just paid a number of bills, waxed sarcastic:
"With enormous straw hats, with little bits of ones, with silks and laces and feathers and jewelry, and so on and so on."
"I recall now," the mother spoke up, "I used to wear things of that sort until I married you."
DRINK
It was nine o'clock in the morning, but this particular passenger on the platform of the trolley car still wore a much crumpled evening suit.
As the car swung swiftly around a curve this riotous liver was jolted off, and fell heavily on the cobble stones.[Pg 81] The car stopped, and the conductor, running back, helped the unfortunate man to scramble to his feet. The bibulous passenger was severely shaken, but very dignified.
"Collision?" he demanded.
"No," the conductor answered.
"Off the track?" was the second inquiry.
"No," said the conductor again.
"Well!" was the indignant rejoinder. "If I'd known that, I wouldn't have got off."
* * *
The very convivial gentleman left his club happy, but somewhat dazed. On his homeward journey, made tackingly, he ran against the vertical iron rods that formed a circle of protection for the trunk of a tree growing by the curb. He made a tour around the barrier four times, carefully holding to one rod until he had a firm grasp on the next. Then, at last, he halted and leaned despairingly against the rock to which he held, and called aloud for succor:
"Hellup! hellup! Somebody let me out!"
* * *
The highly inebriated individual halted before a solitary tree, and regarded it as intently as he could, with the result that he saw two trees. His attempt to pass between these resulted in a near-concussion of the brain. He reeled back, but presently sighted carefully, and tried again, with the like result. When this had happened a half-dozen times, the unhappy man lifted up his voice and wept.
[Pg 82]
"Lost—Lost!" he sobbed. "Hopelessly lost in an impenetrable forest!"
* * *
The proprietor of the general store at the cross-roads had his place overrun by rats, and the damage was such that he offered a hundred dollars reward to anyone who would rid him of the pests. A disreputable-appearing person turned up one morning, and announced that he was a professional rat-killer.
"Get to work," the store-keeper urged.
"I must have a pound of cheese," the killer declared.
When this had been provided:
"Now give me a quart of whiskey."
Equipped with the whiskey, the professional spoke briskly:
"Now show me the cellar."
An hour elapsed, and then the rat-catcher galloped up the cellar stairs and leaped into the store. His face was red, the eyes glaring, and he shook his fists in defiance of the world at large, as he jumped high in air and shouted:
"Whoopee! I'm ready! bring on your rats!"
* * *
Two Southern gentlemen, who were of very convivial habits, chanced to meet on the street at nine o'clock in the morning after an evening's revel together. The major addressed the colonel with decorous solemnity:
"Colonel, how do you feel, suh?"
The colonel left nothing doubtful in the nature of his reply:
[Pg 83]
"Major," he declared tartly, "I feel like thunder, suh, as any Southern gentleman should, suh, at this hour of the morning!"
* * *
The old toper was asked if he had ever met a certain gentleman, also notorious for his bibulous habits.
"Know him!" was the reply. "I should say I do! Why, I got him so drunk one night it took three hotel porters to put me to bed."
* * *
A farmer, who indulged in sprees, was observed in his Sunday clothes throwing five bushels of corn on the ear into the pen where he kept half a dozen hogs, and he was heard to mutter:
"Thar, blast ye! if ye're prudent, that orter last ye."
* * *
A mouse chanced on a pool of whiskey that was the result of a raid by prohibition-enforcement agents. The mouse had had no previous acquaintance with liquor, but now, being thirsty, it took a sip of the strange fluid, and then retired into its hole to think. After some thought, it returned to the pool, and took a second sip of the whiskey. It then withdrew again to its hole, and thought. Presently, it issued and drew near the pool for the third time. Now, it took a big drink. Nor did it retreat to its hole. Instead, it climbed on a soap box, stood on its hind legs, bristled its whiskers, and squeaked:
"Now, bring on your cat!"
[Pg 84]
* * *
The owner of a hunting lodge in Scotland presented his gamekeeper with a fur cap, of the sort having ear flaps. When at the lodge the following year, the gentleman asked the gamekeeper how he liked the cap. The old man shook his head dolefully.
"I've nae worn it since the accident."
"What accident was that?" his employer demanded. "I've heard of none."
"A mon offered me a dram, and I heard naething of it."
* * *
The old farmer was driving home from town, after having imbibed rather freely. In descending a hill, the horse stumbled and fell, and either could not, or would not, get to its feet again. At last, the farmer spoke savagely:
"Dang yer hide, git up thar—or I'll drive smack over ye!"
* * *
Mrs. Smith addressed her neighbor, whose husband was notoriously brutal, and she spoke with a purr that was catty:
"You know, my dear, my husband is so indulgent!"
And the other woman retorted, quite as purringly:
"Oh, everybody knows that. What a pity he sometimes indulges too much!"
* * *
In the days before prohibition, a bibulous person issued from a saloon in a state of melancholy intoxication, and outside the door he encountered a teetotaler friend.
[Pg 85]
The friend exclaimed mournfully:
"Oh, John, I am so sorry to see you come out of such a place as that!"
The bibulous one wept sympathetically.
"Then," he declared huskily, "I'll go right back!" And he did.
* * *
When the Kentucky colonel was in the North, some one asked him if the Kentuckians were in fact very bibulous.
"No, suh," the colonel declared. "I don't reckon they're mo' than a dozen Bibles in the whole state."
* * *
The Irish gentleman encountered the lady who had been ill, and made gallant inquiries.
"I almost died," she explained. "I had ptomaine-poisoning."
"And is it so?" the Irishman gushed. And he added in a burst of confidence: "What with that, ma'am, and delirium tremens, a body these days don't know what he dare eat or drink."
DRUGGED
The police physician was called to examine an unconscious prisoner, who had been arrested and brought to the station-house for drunkenness. After a short examination, the physician addressed the policeman who had made the arrest.
"This fellow is not suffering from the effects of alcohol. He has been drugged."
[Pg 86]
The policeman was greatly disturbed, and spoke falteringly:
"I'm thinkin', ye're right, sor. I drugged him all the way to the station."
DUTY
The traveler was indignant at the slow speed of the train. He appealed to the conductor:
"Can't you go any faster than this?"
"Yes," was the serene reply, "but I have to stay aboard."
EASY LIVING
The Southerner in the North, while somewhat mellow, discoursed eloquently of conditions in his home state. He concluded in a burst of feeling:
"In that smiling land, suh, no gentleman is compelled to soil his hands with vulgar work. The preparing of the soil for the crops is done by our niggers, suh, and the sowing of the crops, and the reaping of the crops—all done by the niggers.... And the selling is done ]]> Sun, 16 Sep 2007 17:21:00 EDT http://mallamibro.tigblog.org/post/250221 11.9963889 8.516666711.99638898.5166667 http://mallamibro.tigblog.org/post/249907
 My philosophy is that not only are you responsible for your life, but doing the best at this moment puts you in the best place for the next moment.

 I think that when you invite people to your home, you invite them to yourself.

 Real integrity is doing the right thing, knowing that nobody's going to know whether you did it or not.

 As you become more clear about who you really are, you'll be better able to decide what is best for you - the first time around.

 Cheers to a new year and another chance for us to get it right.

 Every one of us gets through the tough times because somebody is there, standing in the gap to close it for us.

 I define joy as a sustained sense of well-being and internal peace - a connection to what matters.

 I finally realized that being grateful to my body was key to giving more love to myself.

 I know for sure that what we dwell on is who we become.

 I trust that everything happens for a reason, even when we're not wise enough to see it.

 If you want your life to be more rewarding, you have to change the way you think.

 In every aspect of our lives, we are always asking ourselves, How am I of value? What is my worth? Yet I believe that worthiness is our birthright.

 Living in the moment brings you a sense of reverence for all of life's blessings.

 Partake of some of life's sweet pleasures. And yes, get comfortable with yourself.

 The big secret in life is that there is no big secret. Whatever your goal, you can get there if you're willing to work.

 The biggest adventure you can ever take is to live the life of your dreams.

 The whole point of being alive is to evolve into the complete person you were intended to be.

 Though I am grateful for the blessings of wealth, it hasn't changed who I am. My feet are still on the ground. I'm just wearing better shoes.

 Understand that the right to choose your own path is a sacred privilege. Use it. Dwell in possiblity.

 We are each responsible for our own life - no other person is or even can be.

 What I know for sure is that what you give comes back to you.

 What we're all striving for is authenticity, a spirit-to-spirit connection.

 Whatever you fear most has no power - it is your fear that has the power.

 With every experience, you alone are painting your own canvas, thought by thought, choice by choice.

 I've learned that you can't have everything and do everything at the same time.
 If you neglect to recharge a battery, it dies. And if you run full speed ahead without stopping for water, you lose momentum to finish the race.

 Use what you have to run toward your best - that's how I now live my life.

 Getting my lifelong weight struggle under control has come from a process of treating myself as well as I treat others in every way.

 Every time you state what you want or believe, you're the first to hear it. It's a message to both you and others about what you think is possible. Don't put a ceiling on yourself.
]]> Sat, 15 Sep 2007 17:09:00 EDT http://mallamibro.tigblog.org/post/249907 11.9963889 8.516666711.99638898.5166667 http://mallamibro.tigblog.org/post/249903

 As long as you derive inner help and comfort from anything, keep it.


 Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes.


 Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.


 Hate the sin, love the sinner.


 Honest differences are often a healthy sign of progress.


 Honest disagreement is often a good sign of progress.

 I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers.

 I cannot teach you violence, as I do not myself believe in it. I can only teach you not to bow your heads before any one even at the cost of your life.

 I object to violence because when it appears to do good, the good is only temporary; the evil it does is permanent.

 I want freedom for the full expression of my personality.

 In the attitude of silence the soul finds the path in a clearer light, and what is elusive and deceptive resolves itself into crystal clearness. Our life is a long and arduous quest after Truth.


 Indolence is a delightful but distressing state; we must be doing something to be happy.


 It is better to be violent, if there is violence in our hearts, than to put on the cloak of nonviolence to cover impotence.


 It is unwise to be too sure of one's own wisdom. It is healthy to be reminded that the strongest might weaken and the wisest might err.


 One needs to be slow to form convictions, but once formed they must be defended against the heaviest odds.

 Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will.

 The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.


 Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it.

 When I despair, I remember that all through history the ways of truth and love have always won. There have been tyrants, and murderers, and for a time they can seem invincible, but in the end they always fall. Think of it--always.

 You must be the change you want to see in the world.

 You must not lose faith in humanity. Humanity is an ocean; if a few drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty.

 What difference does it make to the dead, the orphans and the homeless, whether the mad destruction is wrought under the name of totalitarianism or the holy name of liberty or democracy?
 Victory attained by violence is tantamount to a defeat, for it is momentary.

 An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.

 Freedom is not worth having if it does not connote freedom to err. It passes my comprehension how human beings, be they ever so experienced and able, can delight in depriving other human beings of that precious right.
]]> Sat, 15 Sep 2007 16:45:00 EDT http://mallamibro.tigblog.org/post/249903 11.9963889 8.516666711.99638898.5166667 http://mallamibro.tigblog.org/post/247543 She is making contacts through the site and then redirecting to her email address.
Below is a copy of the email she sent to me:


from MARYDUKE duke
Dearest, I am more than happy in your reply to my mail this morning. How is your day?.Mine is a little bit hot over here in Dakar Senegal.In this camp we are only allowed to go out only on mondays and fridays of the weeks. It's just like one staying in the prison and i hope by Gods grace i will come out here soon. I don't have any brother,sister or relatives now whom i can go to all my relatives ran away in the middle of the war the only person i have now is Rev Samuel Martin! s who is the pastor of the (HOPE OF GLORY CHURCH) here in the camp he has been very nice to me since i came here but i am not living with him rather i am leaving in the women's hostel because the camp have two hostels one for men the other for women. The Pastors Tel number is (+2212628805) if you call and tell him that you want to speak with me he will send for me in the hostel. As a refugee here i don't have any right or privilledge to any thing be it money or whatever because it is against the law of this country.I want to go back to my studies because i only attended my first year before the traggic incident that lead to my being in this situation now took place.Please listen to this,i have my late father's statement of account and death certificate here with me which i will send to you latter,because when he was alive he deposited some amount of money in a leading bank in Europe which he used my name as the next of kin,the amount in question is! $8.6M(eithe Million six Hundred Thousand Dollars). So i will like you to help me transfer this money to your account and from it you can send some money for me to get my travelling documents and air ticket to come over to meet with you.I kept this secret to people in the camp here the only person that knows about it is the Revrend because he is like a father to me. So in the light of above i will like you to keep it to
yourself and don't tell it to anyone for i am afraid of loosing my life and the money if people gets to know about it. Remember i am giving you all this
information dueto the trust i deposed on you.I like honest and understanding people,truthful and a man of vision,truth and hardworking. My favourite language is english but very fluently.Meanwhile i will like you to call me like i said i have alot to tell you . Have a nice day and think about me. Awaiting to hear from you soonest .ours in love,
Mary


SO PLEASE, EVERYONE BEWARE,
THIS IS A SACAM.
THE MODERATORS OF TIG SHOULD PLS GET HER OUT BEFORE SHE DUPES INNOCENT ACTIVISTS PLEASE!!!]]> Sat, 08 Sep 2007 17:06:00 EDT http://mallamibro.tigblog.org/post/247543 11.9963889 8.516666711.99638898.5166667