For some reason this made me ball my eyes out. Maybe because she sounds exactly like I sounded when I was 12, speech and all. I wonder where that optimistic determination and belief that 'I can do anything' have gone? I guess I'm more realistic. I guess I'm still the same. I still mostly underestimate the amount of effort and/or length of time it will take me to do something.

Or maybe I just needed a cry this week and what better thing to cry to than a small child telling you that she fears for her future. In case she is reading this, I suppose I am in fear of my future, too, but likely in more selfish ways than compared to her or even when I was younger.

I don't know what I've become.

Though, admittedly, if I really didn't think I could become someone I want to be, I would not even try. I still think I can. I will do it. But I guess I need encouragement to do things that may prove I'm worth the space that I take up on this Earth. And I will eventually find the affirmation.

I want to know, how are you?

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From cherrieland.blogspot.com

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Oh, find a higher quality and faster load here at Last.fm.

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"...discover the present imperfect condition of the sciences... Disputes are multiplied, as if every thing was uncertain; and these disputes are managed with the greatest warmth, as if every thing was certain. Amidst all this bustle it is not reason, which carries the prize, but eloquence; and no man needs ever despair of gaining proselytes to the most extravagant hypothesis, who has art enough to represent it in any favourable colours. The victory is not gained by the men at arms, who manage the pike and the sword; but by the trumpeters, drummers, and musicians of the army."

"... if truth be at all within the reach of human capacity, it is certain it must lie very deep and abstruse: and to hope we shall arrive at it without pains, while the greatest geniuses have failed with the utmost pains, must certainly be esteemed sufficiently vain and presumptuous."

The Aaliyah Song - Boyz II Men

Every once in awhile
I see her smile
It turns my day around
Girl with those eyes
Could stare through the lies
And see what your heart was saying

Think of Aaliyah
Laugh, don't cry
I know she'd want it that way
Hey - when you think of Aaliyah
Laugh, don't cry
I know she'd want it that way

Friend of a friend
Friend 'til the end
That's the kind of girl she was
Taken away so young
Taken away without a warning, oh

(Think of Aaliyah, oooh)
Laugh, don't cry
(I know) She'd want it that way
(Hey yeah)
(When you) think of Aaliyah, (oooh)
Laugh , don't cry
(I know) She'd want it that way

I know you, (I know )
And you're here, (and you're here)
In every day we live, (day that we live, day we live)
I know her (I know her),
And she's here, (and I know that she's still here)
I can feel her when she sings, (ooohhh)

Aaliyah (Aaliyah),
Where are you now? (Are you far away from here?)
(Far away) Far away,
I don't think so (I tell you I don't think so),
I think you're here
Taking our tears away (taking our tears away).

[Chorus fade out]

Technorati Tags : Aaliyah, Boyz II Men, Cherrieland, Life, Songs

From cherrieland.blogspot.com

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24 days to go.

And 'sleepless' has too many l's and s' in it.

Lately I wonder whether I'm letting myself feel anything anymore. I think I'm trying not to stress about short-term things (revisions, aptitude, expectations) and trying not to worry about those long-term things (where I'll be/who I'll be with 20-50 years from now), but it might be backfiring. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to hide stress, I'm honestly trying to handle it better. But maybe I handled it ok anyway.

Graduation last Friday was totally awesome. So now I officially have a BSc and BSc(Hons) - whoop-dee-doo!

The whole shebang really started on Thurs, which was a bit hectic with PC driving me to pick up the vacuum cleaner, me stressing about the revisions (and the "sloppy" comment), picking up regalia with IV, vacuuming/tidying apartment, picking up family's dinner, meeting DB for dinner, receiving family at 9:30 pm, "making" dinner... So it was a long day and I didn't have time to think about the schedule for graduation, nor empirically determine what I was going to wear, nor get good sleep (floor = discomfort, 3 hours = not enough).

Graduation Day began at 5:30 am and ended at 11 PM for me. FMHS Breakfast (Mum and DB came to and according to whom I have a crap smile), official photo (despise!), Procession (rain!), Science Brunch (Tiff and me), Albert Park, official Ceremony (cute!), FMHS (to show family around the lab, meet with lab, etc).

It was so cool to see so many people and have an opportunity to catch up and take photos (uploaded to Facebook or ask me for a public link). I think my parents enjoyed the visit to the lab and being able to see a live heart cell!!! It was also their first graduation ceremony, so that was special. I think we were all tired at day's end, so it was great to have dinner (my first proper meal for the day!) at Renkon, which turned out to have superb udon noodles, which we habitually look for.

It was also cool to see the Ph.D's get their degrees and I can't wait to get mine - I want that hat! Anyway, my family left on Sat night, which was sad as per usual and then I spent Sunday tidying up the house and trying to get some rest, because I was truly, truly knackered.

Research/Fid

I'm still grappling with my 'place'. I feel excited, yet apprehensive about the whole dealio still. That's okay, I'll figure it out.

But I sense that people (esp. my sup.) may be disappointed with me - I don't know, maybe they had a different internal image/memory/expectation of me or perhaps they thought I would make some sort of difference to the lab that I haven't (yet) or perhaps they are trying to pinpoint something about me that's different, maybe - dare I say it - something flawed.

Firstly, I'm not that different. And secondly, I don't know how to react to this disappointment. Am I disappointed, too? I guess I am. But I am trying pretty hard to get back up to speed, though I know my mind is not as agile as it can be when it is more comfortable with these concepts. This will take a bit more time. I could put in more hours per day, but that would mean forsaking one of my resolutions for this year, which is to be more social and actually strengthen those friendships/relationships I treasure inside, but rarely show. Also, I still have quite a few things to sort out re: settling back into Auckland/flat, etc. But am I ok in seeing their disappointment turn into apathy?

Image Source : universal-hologram.com
Technorati Tags : Academia, Cherrieland, Graduation, Life, PhD

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At least, that's the picture this manifesto paints and judging from the talk going on around the place (see the NZ Association of Scientists' response and an article in a recent National Business Review, NZ Science Talk blog), I suspect it's not far from the truth.

It's sad, really - that (one of) my chosen career paths already is already mapped with obstacles - obstacles that don't need to be there - on top of the obstacles intrinsic to the job. It tires me just to think about it. I hope my passion for science will pull me through every set back that I know I will encounter if NZ science is to continue in its current direction... brain drain? Either mine or NZ's, right?

Anyway, this post is just me wondering aloud. Keep in mind I don't really know enough about how science works in NZ to fully understand what this document states.

1. Develop a National Science Strategy
• identifies NZ's science needs/directions, resource/capability needs, international trends
• consider roles of government and private sector, identify/support necessary links
• I just find this weird - so what do we have now? Also, this seems like it'll take forever to pull together (like, by the time it is, it'd be out of date, OR it has to be so vague that this won't happen - but then it'd be so common sense, it'd be quite tragic to realise that whoever is in charge didn't understand it)
  
2. Establish an Office of the Chief Scientist
• Chief Scientist/Science Council directly advising the leader of the government
• OK, so I sorta thought that the HRC did that, but maybe I got it wrong and currently the HRC works under the direction of the Minister. But anyway, so is it saying that currently the NZ government is not advised by any scientists at all? That's also weird.
  
3. Enhance Innovation Policy
• "...it must acknowledge that innovation represents more than mere efficiency gains and enhancements to business practice."
• I think this is trying to say that creativity cannot be measured by some silly productivity measure! More money needs to be invested for potentially greater return that-is-not-guaranteed, but more likely to happen due to overcoming that resourcing barrier. It comes down to trying to build environments that foster useful creative thinking and oftentimes, idea-generation can appear an idle process to the superficial observer (or productivity measure).
  
• "To build an innovation-based economy we need policies that enhance relationships between the wider business sector, the Crown Research Institutes and universities. Science institutions need to co-operate with businesses, not compete with them as they do under current policy."
• Yeah, competition like that sucks - I think it's talking about resourcing again.
  
4. Ensure that Government Policy Processes are Evidence-Based
• "...NZ must have its best researchers involved in government's wider policy processes, providing input to policy and legislation."
• public intellectuals. enough said. (I still haven't finished that book)
  
5. Reduce Transaction and Compliance Costs
• "...must change the way our science is funded...the process should be less bureaucratic..."
• "bulk funding"
• "NZ also needs to develop high-quality retrospective science monitoring processes involving peer review."
• I think this fifth recommendation sits pretty close to the every day complaints around the place and is probably not a problem that sits only within science. But I think the theme among all the recommendations is pretty clear by now.
  
6. Continue to Increase Both Public and Private RSamp;T Investment
• "...increased investment in science, including basic science, is essential. Most science funding applications in NZ have a failure rate greater than 80%... not based on the quality of the proposal but solely as a consequence of having insufficient funding available"
• "NZ needs a deeper pool of research knowledge, ideas and opportunities. We need to retain excellent people. We need to build critical mass."
• "Many companies in NZ have taken up that challenge investing in RSamp;T and establishing their own climate of innovation...[list of companies] These companies believe in research. They invest in research... If NZ is to lift its GDP per capita to that of Australia or our European competitors, we need far more of these... businesses, which are based on strong RSamp;T. Most NZ businesses, however, do not look to RSamp;T to build their growth. Generally they invest far too little in this area compared with businesses in other countries."
  
7. Improve the Path to Commercialisation
• address link between innovation and commercialisation
• I guess they're talking about research ideas that are applicable to commercialisation, that is not to say that commercially-viable projects should have precedence over basic scientific research, but just that the disparity between the two needs to be looked at to ensure that it is easier to commercialise, if that is what is suitable
  
8. Promote Science Across the Entire Education System
• "NZ needs to at least double its number of science PhD graduates"
• I find that sort of weird, since where will these people come from and where will the funds/resources to educate them come from?
  
9. Build National Recognition of the Public Value of Science
• "...the application of public and private scientific research underpins the overall health and wealth of a nation."
• I agree that there is not enough respect given to science for its contributions to society. Many people see it as an intellectual pursuit.
  
10. Trust Science, Scientists and Scientific Institutions
• "... greater decision-making responsibilities to the science agencies"
• "... promoting cooperation, rather than competition"
• "... assisting scientist' development, particularly early in their careers."
  

Technorati Tags : Cherrieland, New Zealand, RSNZ, Science

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The anxiety has been steadily climbing since I got here and I hadn't even realised until now. It has actually got to a point that my stomach feels sick and I am constantly nervous:

And it's all superfluous because I know I'm here to learn and I know that these people are here to help me learn - but - I keep feeling like I have to prove something.

And that's all fine because it shows I care - but - my fear has pushed me to the edge, staring down at dread, disengagement and potentially, apathy.

And that's the scariest part of all.

I keep telling everyone different things, because I don't know what the reason is. There are a lot of possibilities:

• adjusting to the lab/faculty changes - renovations, people changes...
  
• leaving home - despite my complaints, there are really good parts about living at home, like having company/support/shoulders on-demand
• I've achieved hardly anything I set out to do here - e.g. catch up with friends more, meet new people, get my restricted, paint more, bake more... I have, however, worked a lot, read a lot and managed to improve my fitness
  

• my change - I'm scared I've had a change of heart, I'm scared I haven't changed/improved at all, I'm scared that people here are ready to say goodbye to the me they now know and that people there are ready to say hello to the me they once knew and will no longer get - that'll leave me nowhere, with no-one at all

• absolutely exhausted - 12 AM sleep-time and 4 AM wake-ups still? Yes. If I go to bed earlier, does it help? No, I just wake up earlier. Go figure that.
  

Thoughtlet: The polite answer would have been "gardening".

This novel was interesting, even though it was difficult to overcome the narrative. It was perhaps one technique Walker used to convey how maltreated/misunderstood the black people were: by making the reader consciously aware of the effort we have to make to understand the protagonist, it was bringing out our understanding that perhaps it was that little bit of effort many people were/are not willing to make for people of a different colour.

But was it just black and white-ness that she was confronting? The 'heroine' was a black lesbian woman, from the country, who was uneducated because of who she is and who she was before she was born.

Her life was riddled with tragedy; rape, abandonment, loss, abuse and yet through it all she has her faith. Her belief and trust without apparent return earns her (1) strength, (2) the same belief and trust without return from her sister and (3) a final revelation in how to see the return that has always been there had she looked in the right places - that God was not a (white, male) figure, but instead an amorphous force to be found in the nature of things - the trees, the stars, the wind and herself.

The thing that caught my curiosity was how the enslaved African-American people was not recognised by the native African people (so the book tells me) as their own, nor as owed an apology (of any sort) for their betrayal/abandonment. I don't know if this is true and I am going to find out more about it. I guess I find it peculiar that when I think of Africa, I know of no single historical tapestry. I know bits and pieces, from the first hominids to Egypt to South Africa to Rwanda to slavery to malaria, all of which sum to one thing: ignorance. But I am having an inner conundrum over how to help those who don't want to change. If people's customs and heritage are their most valued assets, then is it right to impose change even if that change is necessary for their survival? I suppose the only thing you can do is offer them that choice - to open that door and it is up to them to walk through it.

I also find it interesting that purple is at one of the limits of the human colour perception, while Shug (sugar as one which can sustain life and Shug as the personification of life in the novel) says, "I think it pisses God off if you walk by the colour purple in a field somewhere and don't notice it." As if to say we are not doing life justice if we do not see more.

Technorati Tags : Africa, Alice Walker, Book, Cherrieland, Reading, The Colour Purple

From cherrieland.blogspot.com

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Looking through my old things, the expected nostalgia was unexpectedly non-intrusive - like the curling smoke of incense - intense, but gentle and most importantly - pain-free, loss-free.

What was more surprising was that I learned something about myself, despite having seen all these items several times before.

(Re)Establishment of Self

I'd always questioned why/how people saw me as different/special in some way. "It must be a mistake," I'd think. One of these differences was 'cleverness' - what, how, when, why...me? Flicking through my bookshelves (yes, plural - to my surprise), I realised they were filled with maths books, school workbooks, textbooks, novels, non-fiction, exercise books - above the school requirements. I'd forgotten how many books I'd read and how I devoured maths problems and exam questions at a pace and volume that was a nuisance to my teachers and their supply of material. And what about my 'perfectionist's touch' on wood-work or 'inventions' and projects...

I'd forgotten all of that. How did I do it without any prompting from my parents or teachers? I barely remember doing it all. Where did my own pressure and motivation come from?

I remember feeling content and engaged - or rather, the absence of not feeling discontent or bored - I didn't really understand those concepts, didn't know any better or worse. I would owe this to my... teachers? =)

Tidbit Findings

Notebook I'd called "Definitions" and the first entry is "Sanguine".

"An Anthropologist on Mars" Oliver Sacks. Withdrawn Wellington City Libraries.

Sheets and sheets of short stories, poems and other creative writing I'd completed for school, but were really at least 3x more than the requirement. I didn't realise I wrote poetry when I was 8 or 9?... sadly, I haven't much improved!!!

A 3-volumed stamp collection.

Bags of cross-stitching, knitting and other crafts.

Screeds of drawings, paintings and experiments with different media including types of sculpture using anything from clay to wax to metal (mostly copper and iron).

"How to Make Your Own Kinetics" David Wickers and Sharon Finmark. Withdrawn Khandallah School... and lots of wood bits, ball bearings, etc.

A book on the Earth, another on insects, a series on how to do your own magic tricks.

In 1999, a Hillary Commission study, showing my score, then compared to NZ stats in round brackets:

• height: 150 cm (low) [haha - hasn't changed]
• body mass: 38 kg (low) [holy crap, I was 38?]
• catch: 18 caught (high)
• vertical jump: 42 cm (high) [haha - already a bouncer!]
• shuttle run: 11/4 (high) [woot - I remember being proud of that]

And almost all of these things were obtained from school, whether it was part of a school project or I (somehow) obtained discarded items. Wow. Lucky. Resourceful? Lucky.

Further Wondering

I am always trying to make sure I stay true to myself and clearly my childhood painted a very clear picture of who I was and indeed, who I am. For me to realise and accept thing that is myself has perhaps taken longer than developing it. I wonder if this proportion is still true.

Over the past month, small revelations have been building up and I feel as if I am close to something big. What will it be? I will eagerly wait. =)

Image Sources : www.khandallah.school.nz, www.raroa.school.nz

Technorati Tags : Cherrieland, Childhood, Learning, Life, Memories, School

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It has been extremely tiring at work. I guess I still don't feel I have my place yet, so that will take some time, but I think I really need that that base, those people I can say, "hey, I really feel like I don't know what I'm doing" and know that they won't judge me because I almost always feel like that and most things have worked out fab.

So....what? Time will tell, that's what.

But I think I need to slow down because I'm getting really bad RSI, my stomach is beginning to complain (which hasn't happened since thing in June).

This anxiety is due to: (1) the number of things I have to do, (2) trying to meet new expectations, but most importantly (by a mile) (3) the ambivalence in my relationships at work. People-stuff stresses me out beyond any task or work I have to do. Sometimes I feel like I'm making enemies and last Friday I was confuddled about 'professionalism' - it's one of those funny words that have no concrete definition. A plethora of different personalities (in certain circumstances, I hear you say) can be professional. But again, I came here knowing that this environment would force me to learn how to say things, how to treat people under new circumstances, etc. I really really want to learn this.

Sometimes I go large, sometimes I get into the details. It depends on the need and my mood. There are situations where I think concrete and definite things need to be said. I guess because abstractness is so open to interpretation. I want to scream, "DO YOU GET WHAT I MEAN?" and have a 10 minute conversation with people just being frank about what they think I mean. I bet that most of the time whatever message you were trying to get across was misinterpreted. In all this abundance of communication, I wonder whether we are getting anything across at all. What is so scary about standing up and saying, "I don't get it."? Better still, "I don't get it, help me get it because I really want to." I don't think people give enough effort into getting things. I am guilty of this also, as I don't really understand the finer (but important) points about the War On (of) Terror, U.S. elections, various civil wars, banking and finance, government procedures... there are a million things I should probably understand more deeply than I do, but I guess the fact of the matter is, I have been able to make do without knowing the details. I know how to vote, what values I stand for and can have an educated conversation about any of the above topics. But would I understand the nuances? Probably not. I find that a bit annoying that I can't. Yet.

I've been working on the poster for Biophysics and it is slowly getting there. I think I will print it tomorrow. I am getting quite excited to go there and to see some of my lab family again. It's all very sentimental. I guess maybe our lab is a little unique in that everyone is so open and blunt. Actually, that's not true - only a few of us are. But I like it better that way. I don't really want to bother with deciphering hidden messages that people mean to mean underneath their spoken words. I'm too busy reading their body language, which is perhaps saying what they're really feeling and thinking, which might be different from what they mean to mean, which is different from what they're saying. But I am still uncertain about that because for all I know, corporate people have a different body language.

I felt really uncomfortable about something mentioned about age today. Nothing really has to do with age, except perhaps at 18 when you become a legal adult and you can do a few interesting things. But really, I wonder how close a correlation there is between age and maturity. And actually, whether maturity has anything to do with your mindset - that set of values that govern the way you live. I know that not everyone thinks/lives or wants to think/live the way I do - jumping at the chance of doing something that is scary and new, trying to think of new ways all the time, being blunt and headstrong in my want to care about others, myself and the place in which we live, but with an open mind to allow for other beliefs. Of course, I think it's a very good way to live (and so I would, otherwise I would change), but I know not everyone else does and it makes me wonder about the establishment of values. How do people take on new values that don't immediately connect with them? Opening our windows or expanding our palette of colours can be a difficult thing and I hope I have that capacity to help people add more colour into their lives, but I wonder where/how/when is the best way to do it.

Image Source : www.thesefleetingmoments.com
Technorati Tags : Cherrieland, Life, People, Thinking, Values, Work

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